The sonogram was clear and accurate, I saw the whole baby there...but the heart was still. I didn't realize how much hope I had been holding on to until that moment.
Since I had already been bleeding for almost ten days, we decided not to prolong the agony, and I checked into the day surgery and had a D&C. Blah. Sadness.
But you know what? I declined a wheelchair ride to the exit doors, and since it was a Friday night, and the night nurse wasn't a rules-y guy, Paul and I walked out of there hand in hand. And I was happy. Happy to be walking out of the hospital, happy to begin healing.
Of course this is all easy to say because I HAVE NOT CRIED YET. I haven't had a chance, if that makes any sense. We booked the surgery, drove home to drop Evelyn off (poor Ev who thought her and I were going to sneak in a shopping trip), and pick up Paul....up to the hospital...and here I am home. Now, some of those nice nurses asked me how I was doing, and I said OK, because I couldn't just cry then...then the kids all asked me when I walked in, and I said, OK...but I think I need to go cry now.
(but first I have to say thanks for all the nice comments and well wishes and prayers, and Martha: I just may be okay by next week, and ready to go that Fair!)
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31 comments:
Oh Della , I am so so sorry , I wanted so much for you to bring this baby home :-( (((gbh)))
Cassandra xx
My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is such a difficult time and you need to feel it is okay to grieve. I wish you all the best.
Oh, I am so, so sorry! I was hoping for a different outcome for you and your family. I am glad you were able to get in right away and start your healing(bodily and spiritual). When it was happening to me, I found it hard to cry, but then when I was alone, the tears would come. I hope by the time you have read this, that you have already had time to have a good cry. Take care.
((((hugs))) no matter how many children you have, noting can replace those lost. To me, having a D&C was worst the my natural loss because I was giving them permission to take my baby. for others I know they found comfort in knowing that they could move on.
I hope that your heart can heal, and you can move on when your time is ready. Lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way.
Aw, I'm sorry. I had so hoped along with you for something different. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you and your family begin to heal. I love you and when I find you at the fair you will get a big hug.
I am soo sorry for your loss...I have been thinking about you all day wondering how things were going. I haven't commented much but I have been following your blog for about a year now. I think I have checked the computer about 12 times. You say that you should just count your many blessings and move on. You deserve to have time to grieve. Just because you have more "blessings" than most of us doesn't mean you shouldn't be sad (super sad). I will be thinking of you in the coming days. Unfortunately, I know what you are experiencing. I am about 6 months post-miscarriage with baby #4. I will keep you in my prayers, as I have been doing.
I am thinking of you. That is very sad news indeed! xo
I'm truly sorry, Della. And for once I'm at a loss for words. I, too, was pretty hopeful that you'd have another! God has blessed you, and He will continue to do so..
Oh, I'm so sorry. It's such a heartache. Yes, you need to have a cry. You've been so strong, but you need to cry now. Let it out.
I posted on your blog about a week or so ago...before you knew for sure that you were miscarrying...and I misread your post to mean that you already knew...and I want to apologize for the comment I left. In my comment I said I was sorry to hear about your miscarriage, when in fact you still had hope. Ugh. I felt awful about that when I went back to reread it a day or so later.
The day after I left that comment, I took a pregnancy test and it came out a strong positive. We were so excited! Then five days later when I retested, it was negative. My HCG levels had dropped. Two days later my cycle started. This is our third loss since our last baby. Although I will admit I am thankful that we lost this one so early. The last two were lost near the 11th week.
When I started bleeding with the first miscarriage, I knew in my heart that the baby had passed. I went for an ultrasound so that I could get photos of the baby. I had never seen the baby on ultrasound yet, and I wanted pictures. So when I was in that ultrasound room, I wasn't expecting to see a beating heart. But you know, I still had hope. I'll never forget what it was like seeing my baby on that ultrasound screen, with all the fingers and toes perfectly formed. Everything on that baby seemed perfect. Except it was so still. There was no flicker of a beating heart. And then it hit me: this is really happening. I had been strong up to that point. Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I stayed strong during the ultrasound, but I fell apart soon afterwards.
Here is my blog post about that day.
http://www.theyallcallmemom.com/2010/06/loss.html
I still cannot read through it without getting all choked up. I only share this with you because I know that at the time of my loss, it helped me to hear from others who went through it, too. Sometimes it just helps to be understood.
Loss is never easy. We love and cherish these little souls from the moment we get a positive line. Even before that, sometimes...when we think we *might* be pregnant. It's all so exciting, the possibility of a new life joining the family. I have nine children, and as you well know, the thrill of realizing you are carrying a new life never goes away, no matter how many children you have been blessed with. It just never gets old. Always such a thrill. My husband and I are always thinking, "Just one more..." After every birth, we look at each other and say, "Let's do this again, okay?" and we mean it, every single time. Life is so very precious and each child is such a gift. I know you know this.
I pray that your body and your heart heals from this loss. I pray that your husband and your children continue to bring you joy and comfort during your sadness. I pray that you are blessed with "Just one more..." if it is God's will for you.
Rest. Pray. Eat. Just do those three things for a few days, okay? Take care of yourself.
Much love to you,
Katrina in CA
They All Call Me Mom
I am so very sorry for your loss. I was hoping and praying things would be ok. Cry as much as you need to; God will hold you in His hands. Sending prayers and hugs your way.
I'm so sorry. You are in my prayers.
I'm so sorry...sending up some hugs to you.
~Shel
so sorry Della...We were all excited with you and now we will continue to pray for comfort and healing....God is good~
I am so sorry ((hugs)). Praying for healing, peace and comfort.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I will be praying for you and your family. Debbie
I am so sorry. Prayers for healing for your body and your heart. Glad that you had your husband with you. God bless.
You are in our prayers xx
I am so sorry for your loss. Your honesty and character are really inspiring to me <3
Praying for your peace and comfort. And crying with you.
Maureen
I am so sorry for your loss. I was so hoping with you that everything would be okay. I don't know what else to say but wanted to let you know that people care. ~~Pam
So sorry for your loss, praying for peace and healing.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it would be like to see that perfect little baby still. Hugs to you and I hope your healing goes as expected.
I have been reading your blog and hoping and praying for you. I am 42 and just lost our baby at 10 weeks one week ago, we had to have a d&c also. I am so sorry.
There is nothing to say in this situation, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you x
Oh so sorry. Praying for you.
I am very sorry for your loss. It is beautiful to imagine you walking out hand in hand, knowing you can count on your husband and go forth through all the storms of life. Love is precious.
I am so sorry about the baby.
prayers for you
So sorry about your little one.
I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you. And if you can't cry yet thats ok, it will come.
Thinking of you and praying for you.
((HUGS)) Still thinking of you and praying for you. I'm glad that you were able to walk out hand in hand with your husband. I hope you find your comfort and healing. My heart aches for you. <3
I'm sorry sound inadequate.
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