real life

I read this morning that a helicopter was shot down in Eastern Afghanistan, killing 31 Americans. This would make me cry any day of the week, because it is just plain sad. Add in some pregnancy hormones, and a son who is being trained to go to that very place, and voila, buckets of tears.

Because Benjamin is so very dear to me. That sounds like a line from an 18th century novel. But I miss him so much. And it hurts my heart that my little boy is going to see things that will haunt him, experience things that he may very well need therapy to get over. I just do not want him to have to go over there, and there is not a thing in the world I can do about it.

I also wish I could skip all this first trimester uncertainty and know for a fact that this pregnancy is going to flourish. I do not want to be tested in my faith in this, I just want to know everything will be fine. I want to know that YES, I am going to actually have a newborn baby next March. (I have been having baby dreams like crazy, the kind where I don't remember the birth, but I am holding this precious newborn, the dreams seem so real, right down to that distinctive feel of the weight of that baby's head on my shoulder, and my nose nestled right into the b soft sweet hair. yum).

But tested I shall be. I go in on Monday for a pregnancy test, then sign the papers to have my records transferred, since my old dr. doesn't deliver anymore. Then sometime after that I actually have an appointment. I want to fast-forward to seeing a little heartbeat, or having blood test numbers double nicely like they are supposed to.

But life is full of trials, all weighed and measured exactly for me. And Jesus DID say that we cannot add one cubit to our lives by being anxious. I know that God knows the beginning and the end to all things, and He sends what's best for me, and that no temptation is ever too great to bear. Yet I need to be tested in these things, so I have to think of this whole thing as an opportunity to trust God.

Someday all the little details surrounding this pregnancy will fade from my memory, no matter how it turns out. But I can get some fine treasures in heaven if I am faithful to battle this anxiety! (but jeepers, every single time I use the bathroom, I am relieved not to see blood. every single time. that means that every single time, I am dreading that I WILL see it. blah. I do not want to be this worried. But I cannot magically just not be worried, I need to battle those thoughts one at a time, so that I can truly say, "Let God's will be done.")

I have more things to think about than just this tiny baby though. School clothes and supplies for eight kids going to school this year. Then four kids will be commuting to to college from here. (having kids in college living at home is No Fair. They always have to study, yet they still leave trails and use dishes and eat meals...)Then there is little Camille, whom I shall spoil like crazy. I will take her to Story Hour at the library, and enjoy every minute with her. (If this new baby actually arrives in March, Camille is going to be in for a big surprise. I will have TWO spoiled rotten "youngest childs"!)

My older kids are so absolutely thrilled. I will never get a turn except when I am feeding him/her.

Ha, so yes, I have lots of other things going on, but my thoughts are so centered on this baby! Thank you for your prayers and kind words, I so appreciate it.