a little bit of solitude....

Once in a while I stay up way too late to have some elusive quietness. I really like the sound of nothing. I like to finish a thought....sometimes I get in bed at night, and it being the first time I have been able to think about anything all day, I give it a try...then fall asleep. I like driving alone, which rarely happens, but it also scares me a little because I think about things and zone out.

I can zone out quite well these days, too. Usually at the checkout, I am supposed to sign for the transaction, and I am just standing there...duh! oops, zoning out.

I have just become good at tuning things out, because there is so much going on all of the time.

95% of the time, I don't mind the chatter and the banter and the questions and the general goings-on....but sometimes, I just want some down time. This morning my son Aaron said, "there's no solitude in this crapshack." It may be from a movie, he might have been kidding, I don't know, but he hit the nail on the head. Not the crapshack part, ha.

Camille is still sleeping, and although I do enjoy this break between seeing 12 kids and Paul out the door....I must admit it is joyous to see her chubby little face every morning. What the heck am I gonna do when she is in school? Well, if the kids keep skipping school at the rate they do now, I won't be alone too often.

Perhaps I will go to college and try to get my classes only three days a week so they can only skip then.

Tomorrow I am going out to breakfast with some friends from church. I can't say enough how much I am looking forward to it. I have already told myself to listen listen listen and not do all the talking, and to be careful....just because we are going out doesn't mean I should gain five pounds...and: do not talk about what I am eating or what anyone else is eating, no one wants to hear it! No calorie content remarks! I have always hated it, now I am the number one perpetrator!

Yesterday at the bank a lady walked by and Camille said, "She is pretty, but she is getting too fat."....ouch. Camille speaks too loudly as it is, but this remark seemed, ugh, way too loud. I told her to shh, it isn't nice to say that about people. So while at the pool yesterday afternoon (I so nicely took the little kids with me), I was nervous when two heavier ladies walked by....but she didn't say a word this time, thankfully.

My older kids sigh and roll their eyes if I say one word about any of my DIET stuff...they say to each other, "it's all Mom ever talks about..." ouch. Well, yes, I am totally obsessed. I can't be any other way and lose any weight. But I WILL try not to talk about it anymore...except for on my blog, ha.

Some of the things I am trying to get off this frustrating plateau:

After I eat a healthy portion of dinner, I push my plate away, stack it, put a dirty napkin on it...so I don't have "just a little more".

I try to do a daytime exercise (not counting my walk) and an evening exercise. Yesterday I did the treadmill for 15 minutes before we went to the grocery store...steep incline for a few minutes, then just walking fast, then steep, then just fast walking...longer than that is better, but I fit it in before we left...then the pool later. I am trying to get my metabolism going speedy quick.

The thing is, I am lazy. I don't like getting sweaty or out of breath, so I tend to baby myself. I need that in-your-face trainer to come here, the guy from the Extreme Weight Loss show...anyway, since I know this about myself, I am trying to push myself a little more.

I do like the feeling of being sore after an active day. And I do like when that warmth comes with a workout...and I like the feeling that I have done something good for me.

It is still hard for me to connect the yummy textures and flavors of food with gaining weight, being fat. Yesterday Paul brought home three chocolate muffins. Everyone was just having little tastes of them. I was breaking off pieces for the little kids, and I sneaked in a few bites...oh, yum! It was more like a cupcake, disguised as a muffin to make people think it is okay to have a huge cupcake for breakfast...anyway, it was really chocolaty and good...and I had to slap my own hand because I just wanted to eat this thing...my rational-ness seems to flee in the face of good chocolate things.

I shall end with this: I truly apologize if anyone is "yawn" sick and tired of my calorie/weight obsession. I am also sorry if I have bored anyone silly talking about Jamaica....(did I mention I am SO EXCITED about our trip to Jamaica? I have already emailed the hotel requesting a nice room, and have already received a response that they will honor that request if at all possible....ooh, I am happy about this trip...)