happy birthday my dear dear brother....

He would have been fifty years old today, my brother Billy. My stupid brother. I guess part of me is still mad at him for what he did. Sometimes I forget he is gone, and he will come into my mind and I will remember with a huge jolt that he is gone, and I will remember that he shot himself, and it will be like the bottom of my stomach just freefalls. I miss him. He needs to fix our kitchen tile. He needs to joke about Evelyn's new haircut and that we are going to the Caribbean for the third year in a row, and about Rosie-The-Bad dog. He needs to help us get our old truck running again, and fix our hot tub. He needs to be here! He was wicked sarcastic, he always figured people out, and would have just the right little insult. Not exactly mean-spirited, he was just funny. He was good, he was kind. He took such good care of our parents. wah.

My son Joseph acts so much like him it is crazy. He has that thing where he just looks at me when I am saying things to him, and without a word makes me feel...inferior. Stupid.

So November 9th will ever and ever make me feel a loss.

Margaret, Suzanne, and I sneaked off to the pool this afternoon after I reminded the other kids I would take them all tomorrow night. I was a half pound more today than I was yesterday, but...yesterday was the lowest I have seen yet. In years anyway. The problem: that number has shown up like three times in the last few weeks, and then I go back up. blah. I figured that I have lost another ten pounds since I lost the baby, which isn't bad, but these long drawn out plateaus keep me wondering! I suppose they keep me humble too, because how can I give any advice when I am constantly guessing what to do myself?

The sunshine today: it tormented me while I did laundry and swept up and did some exercise...then I made omelets for Camille and I, brought them out on the deck...and clouds covered the sun! I sat there in my tanktop (the UPS man had already come and gone, but what if we got something from Fedex?)and my shorts...and it was chilly! Later the sun was out again, and the deck was in the shade of the house. Blah. No suntan for me today.

But it was nice. I picked the kids up from school to spare them the hour long busride, but on the condition that they play outside, NOT on the computer or Wii.

Jonathan is still finishing up his homework...yes, second grade and homework every single night, and on weekends. Excuse me, but I only have this child for four hours every evening, and the hour in the morning. Why the heck do we have to spend some of this on homework when he is in school all day? rrr.

Anyway, the girls are tired and all ready for Mama to read some stories in their room. Today was a good day. The older girls (Mirielle, Mali (YES!), Margaret, Kathryn, and Evelyn)(Emily and Abigail are probably there too) are all at Girl's fellowship at my sister's house, taking turns in the hot tub, too.

Tomorrow is Mali's Driving Mom Crazy day, I mean, her day to drive. Samuel has a dr. appointment, and Evelyn has to get the state required immunization...so our day will be cut a little short, drats. I love spending the day with Mali. She has no idea what a sweetie she is to me. I try to tell her though.

Tomorrow afternoon we are going to the pool, then having a Pizza Party because they have no school on Friday...because of Benjamin's birthday. No, for Veteran's Day, which Ben's birthday falls on. He never had to go to school on his birthday.

Friday is forecast to be windy and chilly with mixed snow and rain. blah. My walks, my walks! I am mourning them in advance! Their days are numbered!

Saturday...I am working at the concession stand for the college basketball game in the Dome. I sure hope I manage all right. The dome is on a hill...so...walking to it - challenging for me! Then being on my poor feetsies for hours, eeks. But I shall survive. I hope.

Paul made it to Ireland okay. I am certain he misses me like crazy. If he even remembers me. I told the kids jokingly that Daddy would be gone for so long we wouldn't even remember him, and they told him I said that. It sounded terrible. I really didn't mean it. I miss him already. I started missing him the very day he left when the toilet backed up. I had a dream before he left that I opened the cupboard under the sink and there was water pouring out...

Well, kids await me!