22 years ago today....

Was a very sad day. It was the day I had my first miscarriage. I had two sweet little girls then, Emily Anne was almost three, and Abigail was eleven months. I was twelve weeks along with my third pregnancy. I had the usual morning sickness. I can still remember making Abigail bottles of formula, and the smell of it just turning my stomach. Anyway, one usual morning, I started to bleed. It got worse and I started cramping. My mom came over to help with the girls. By evening, it had gotten so the cramps had turned into contractions, and then I actually "had" the baby in the bathroom....just a tiny almost transparent little baby...I remember I reacted with a shriek, it was rather overwhelming....and I still can picture my mother out in the livingroom of our mobile home with Emily and Abigail, their eyes huge, and her comforting them and telling them that mommy was fine. Anyway, I had to go into the hospital for a D&C, and spend the night there. It was no fun being on the maternity floor after having two babies there. I was only 22 years old then. So I lost that baby, and one year later I was due to have Benjamin on the same exact day, but he was born a week early. I don't understand why these things happen, losing babies is so painful. Life just goes on, and there you are, just empty. I then went on to have Mirielle Joy, Joseph, Aaron, Mali Rose, Samuel, Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja...and then I had Robert stillborn....then Jonathan, and two miscarriages, the Camille, then I lost one last spring.

Abigail is getting ready to go to a job interview, she is all dressed up and I hope Rosie doesn't jump on her on her way to her car. Rosie...she was barking and chasing the geese as they headed south this morning. I called her in, and she hesitated...just looked at me. I asked her if she wanted a drink, and she came bounding up the steps. I moved over for her, and she shoved by me on the other side, almost knocking me over. rr.

Anyway, one thing I have learned, I hope, through the things I have experienced, is to have mercy on others. Especially losing my mother and father and then my brother. The people you meet along the way are not just gas pumpers and cashiers and nurses and teachers. They are people with their own struggles and losses, and if they are having a miserable day, how am I to know what they are going through? I don't have to be miserable back to them.

Today we are going to roast a turkey. It isn't the huge one for Thanksgiving, it is only 15 pounds. And we decided not to have a "turkey dinner", but to have fresh sweet potato fries, green beans, and rolls with it. There is nothing like sitting down to the feast on Thanksgiving and having the kids say, "Turkey again??" because they have been so cheap.

Margaret is home again. Her throat hurts. She has no fever, but now says her head hurts. Kathryn is home. She has a headache. She said it hurt all day in school yesterday. Do I take them to the doctor? (co-pays for visits, co-pays for cultures).....I am not sure if they just have colds...but if Marg has strep....hm. I think I should probably call. I hope Emily goes back to school to be a physicians assistant or a nurse practicioner......then I could just call her all the time.

My sewing machine foot pedal should be coming today. I am so excited!!! It has been like a bad dream, these last few years trying to get sewing. First, I lost the bobbin case. Then after finally going to place to get a replacement, I found out this machine does NOT have a bobbin case. After months of not sewing...so, I got all set to sew...and ....when I had gotten rid of an old machine that wasn't worth saving, I had accidentally thrown away the foot pedal to my new machine with it, and saved the pedal from the old one....so for months now I have been procrastinating the ordering a new pedal. I thought I would have to call lots of places, and run all around town, when it was done and paid for with the magic card, in just one call. And it is being shipped here. And why didn't I do this months ago?

No passport yet for Paul....oh, it is so exciting. Will we go to Jamaica? Will we cancel at the last minute? Will I take Mirielle instead? No, I couldn't do that to Paul. So we will wait in suspense. He called the passport place again last night and talked to the same guy, and the guy absolutely would give no comment or speculation as to whether Paul would receive it in time.

Well, not to get to mushy-gushy or anything, but it has occured to me lately that I do really love my kids. They do some pretty bothersome things, and I get after them for stuff regularly. And what actually occured to me was that they see how I am towards them, hear how I am towards them, but they probably have no idea how thrilled I am with them! I am bound and determined to hug them more (which some of them will hate), and just let them know I really like them.

Well, all sorts of things are going on here. Mirielle has been taking and making phone calls regarding her accident. Rosie has been back outside barking at the neighbors, Charlotte Claire has been busy, and is now having some cereal. I am too distracted to think straight....