underlying sadness today....

March 6th is the day my brother died. It has been two years already. And it hasn't gotten any easier yet. I am telling myself that if he had gotten hit by a car or died of cancer it would be one thing, but dealing with the fact that he just went and shot himself, with no warning at all....I could just scream! And just to be clear: the autopsy report showed absolutely no drugs or alchohol. What it DID show was high levels of carbon monoxide, because he heated his small trailer with a wood stove. My theory is this: he had a very severe pectus excavatum, which is when the sternum, in the middle of the chest, is sunken in. His was extremely prounounced, it looked like a cereal bowl could fit in there. When he was growing up, the surgery to correct this was invasive and not done unless necessary, from what we learned when Aaron consulted with a surgeon about his. There is now a new procedure, which Aaron had done, which involved a metal bar being inserted into the chest, and pushing the sternum out...which suceeded for Aaron...anyway, Billy had this condition. It made breathing difficult for him as he got older. Then with the carbon monoxide sneakily building up in his system, he thought he was really sick. Perhaps he thought he had cancer, and knowing how my father had suffered, he wanted to spare anyone having to take care of him. He had turned down a very good job offer that week, saying he didn't feel well. Was it all mental? Was life just too bleak for him? Was he lonely? Did he feel physically horrible, and never talk about it? He was brilliantly intelligent, absolutely gorgeously handsome, and he had money. What was wrong? Blah. I cannot figure it out, and I doubt I ever will. But I cannot help wondering.....

The thing is, I miss him, AND I am still rather mad at him. I mean, he did this awful thing on Olivia's birthday. That breaks my heart, now and forever. The poor girl. She turned eleven today, and went with Abigail on their adventure to the indoor market. She seems okay, but come on, she loved her Uncle Billy with all her heart, this unbelievable thing happened on her birthday. At her house. In her yard. We all have been feeling bad for her today, and for my brother and sister-in-law, whom he lived with....I know it doesn't help to keep thinking about all of this, but it is there and it is real, and it helps to write about it. If anyone out there needs someone to pray for, please pray for Olivia and her brothers and sisters and parents......that they can heal from this, that we can all heal from it...that someday it won't be so painful.