Yesterday was a scrambled day, I felt "discombobulated", as my mother used to say. I was going to stay home, I really was. But I needed to send some money to someone, and Emily was coming over to take Margaret, Kathryn, and Evelyn shopping. I got in on it so I didn't have to drive by myself. After going to Kohl's, again, and finding sneakers for Marg, and some comfy sandals for Jon, and a few other small things, we went quickly through the grocery store...
Emily so nicely grilled the burgers when we got home, and made some baked beans. Evelyn made the salad, and set the table.
I ate very well yesterday, except for the chocolate chips and peanuts I had after dinner. I never at lunch though, not on purpose, just didn't. So calorie-wise, I was fine.
I felt so weird though. Not to go on and on about this, but I just plain felt/feel empty. And feeling like that makes me feel guilty as soon as I acknowledge it, because I have been so blessed. But nonetheless, it is there. There is this exhaustion, this feeling like my limbs are almost numb, like I am here but not here. I wish we had more weeks of summer, because I feel pressure from myself to snap out of this fog and do something fun with these guys. I am aiming for the state fair on Friday, hoping that will give me enough time to get myself together enough.
After I had the D&C, life would get better and I would get over this. But it didn't quite happen like that. I keep thinking back to how it was when I saw the last sono, saw the baby, and at first was so excited, then realized the heart was still. I want a re-do. That heart WAS beating before, I don't want it to have stopped, but it did, it is gone, it is over. Now I just have to deal with it, and it is hard.
On Friday after deciding to go with the D&C instead of waiting it out, I kept thinking, "just wake me up when it's over", like it would really be over. ha. I do realize that alot of this is from the phenomonal hormone drop, but still.
Life goes on. Tomorrow night is Kindergarten Orientation for Charlotte Claire. Wah. How can I send these kids to school this year? wah.
Joseph starts his second semester of college tomorrow. Mali has no classes on Thursday or Friday this week, and wants me to take her to get her driving permit on Thursday. I am thinking of bribing her: if I do that, she has to help me at the Fair on Friday.
Samuel is sixteen now, and wants his permit too.
They will literally drive me crazy.
Oh well. I am not devastated, nor am I hopeless, nor am I going to go off the deep end. I am not going to lose hope, give up my faith, nor get bitter and angry. It just FEELS like it sometimes.
Jonathan keeps asking if this means we can get a kitten. Hmm. Maybe that's what I need.
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5 comments:
Just a big virtual (((hug))) for you.
Oh, I am so there with the feelings you are having. After each of my losses I felt the same way, but I also feel happy and blessed that I do have the other children. It is so hard to lose one of our children, and that is what you are going through. People don't talk much about miscarriage, but it is your child and there is a grieving process that goes with it. I pray that you are able to find some peace in the next coming weeks to help you heal.
Hmmm...Rosie and a kitten? Now that could drive you insane!
You are greiving. Your kids will understand that and it will help them understand the preciousness of life. They would certianly find it a bit odd if you had lost the baby and just carried on as if nothing happened.
It's an important time to teach them about dealing with their own grief. Yes, you know all is not lost and yes, God is good all the time, but sometimes it still hurts and you are sad.
Hugs!
Be kind to yourself..there is no time limit on when the fog will lift (and it will), only you pressuring yourself. Give yourself the time you need..however long that is. The D&C is just the physical bit "over", the emotions take longer..I have been there too. Spoil yourself a bit.
Rosie and a kitten! Yes, that made me laugh. Thank you for the hugs and prayers and encouragement.
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