pregnant 'til proven otherwise, right?

The beginning of pregnancy is always hard for me. My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage, then I had Mr. Benjamin exactly a year later. Moms don't have favorites, but shh, Benjamin has a pretty good sized chunk of my heart. So I came to terms pretty early on that these things happen for a reason, and after all, I wouldn't have had Benjy, but some different baby. I went on to have ten more beautiful babies, then lost Robert at 6 1/2 months. Jonathan Robert was born eleven months later, and again, I couldn't love him more...then I had Charlotte Claire, then two miscarriages...then Camille, which, if you have read this for a while you know that I bled and cramped through most of the first trimester, thinking I had lost the baby, only to find out at 15 weeks that she was still in there growing and thriving. Then, two and a half years ago, I conceived again, and was totally thrilled - it was right after my brother died, right after our faithful dog of 14 years died, and I focused on this pregnancy. Counted days, thought about names. I dug right into it for comfort. When I lost that baby, I was pretty lost too. I knew deep in my heart that God knows what is best, but I still felt very empty and cheated and hurt and just like the rug had been pulled from beneath me. Now don't think I'm crazy, but that is around the time we got Rosie-The-Bad-Dog, she was such a precious little puppy. Is it any wonder I got so attached to her? My kids still tell me, "She's not REAL, Mom!", but I do love her. Not like I love my kids, of course, but she came along when I needed her. Not that Camille ever stopped cuddling and telling me, "I need you, Mama."

Anyhow, I am a bit afraid to get so emotionally invested in this pregnancy. I called a new dr. office this morning, and blah, blah, I can come in Monday for a pregnancy test, and go from there. Blah. I want a blood test today, and one on Saturday, to see if this thing is for real. I TOLD Miss Professional Receptionist, who is probably younger than my oldest daughter, that I am 46 years old, and I need to know what's going on with this, but she wasn't bothered in the least. Monday at 2:25 for the test. Okay, I admit, she DID say I could come in tomorrow afternoon, but I am going to the beach tomorrow.

Also, I have to address the "in real life" statement I made. I used to think that online friends were ridiculous. I used to think blogging was a waste of time. ha. But I have made some true friends here, and I am thankful for the kindness and the prayers and the goodness in you. When I read all those positive comments, it really warmed my heart, made me so happy. Thank you! And Allison, I am sending baby dust your way!

So much other stuff has been going on around here.

1. Justice has prevailed. The Town Board voted down the race track proposal. Emily spoke about her little brother Jonny who is afraid of loud noises and doesn't like bright lights or lots of people. She spoke of how we run and walk on these roads in the blissful lack of traffic. I spoke of how I totally support small business, but when we bought this land, it was a cornfield, the lot next to us was zoned residential, so at worst we would have a house next door. Not a parking lot. (Mr. Racetrack tried to reassure us that it would only be a grass parking lot. uh, what's the difference?) Molly asked about possible light pollution from night racing, she likes to see the stars at night.

2. Mr. Racetrack was pretty mad about getting voted down, so he took his bulldozer out, at night, right after the meeting, and started whacking down trees in the lot next to us. Emily went right over there and asked him to please not kill all the trees. Our kids have always played in those woods, and it makes our hearts hurt to see them demolished for no reason. He said we should have thought of these things before we voted against him. blah. It wasn't personal, Mr. Racetrack!

3. I do not like fighting and controversy. At the Town Meeting, a few neighbors brought up things that weren't pertinent to the issue, like the fact that Mr. Racetrack likes to race his four-wheelers down the road sometimes. That does not bother me. We live in a free country. It is a little noisy sometimes, but it doesn't hurt anything, except for possibly him, he goes pretty fast.

4. Mr. Racetrack has always been a good neighbor to us. He he had plowed our driveway, he has called us to warn us that he would be target practicing in the back woods. I hate that he thinks we are against HIM, because we aren't. We just don't want to live near a race track.

5. Our summer conference at church was so absolutely fun and tiring and good and blessed and tiring...I got up four mornings in a row and went on my 1.2 mile walk, hilly and invigorating. The last morning I decided not to because we had so much packing up to do...

6. I have lost a few more pounds, yay, irony of ironies...I am down about 36 pounds now. I will admit it will be painful to see the scale start to go back up for pregnancy, but only a teeny bit. I want this baby more than anything, so I can deal with a little setback in my long term goal. I WILL eat healthy still. And I will still exercise.

7. Our garden is starting to yield some yummy things. I wish we could have it all year long.

8. Benjamin has started his climate-acclimation training in the California dessert, to get ready for Afghanistan. He has gotten his assignment, he is going to be training with Special Forces. Apparently they need a medic, and Ben's Sergeant told him he has his head on straight, so he was chosen. He gets to deploy with them possibly before Christmas. I don't know exactly where they are going or what they are doing, but it is a "special mission". blah. But God does not make mistakes. He has had His hand on Benjamin for his whole life, He shall continue to watch over him.

9. School is starting again soon. wah. Miss Charlotte Claire is going to kindergarten. I have thought and thought about homeschooling, but these kids' friends go to school, and I am thinking that Char would feel cheated if she missed kindergarten. She is so excited to go. I will have to go talk to the principal about the new attendance policy when it is announced, just to let him know I won't be participating.

10. Am I really pregnant? Like I said recently, everyone knows someone who had a baby at an old age, but me? I get to? As I was wandering through Target yesterday, it occurred to me, this sudden thought slamming through my brain, that GOD is in control here, and HE has given this pregnancy. He has chosen to bless me, I don't know why, but it is certainly nothing I have done. I am a big brat, basically, not a really nice person. But He has called me and blessed me and opened my eyes to the way that Jesus opened...My family is a testimony to what God can do. I am not a capable person. Some people don't have two nickels to rub together, I don't have two matching socks to rub together. But nonetheless, God has blessed me. That being said, I am deciding right now that no matter what happens with this pregnancy, I shall remember to be thankful for these days of happiness and excitement.

11. I have weaned myself off of wandering through the infant departments of the stores. After the last miscarriage, I decided it was just hard to look at all the baby things, and I don't need them anyway, so I stopped drooling over the sweet little outfits, and lost touch with the latest baby swings and strollers. (not totally, I still notice things like that...). I am not going to let myself wander through those aisles again yet...but one of these days...

And now I shall do some laundry.