summertime goes on...without me. or so it seems

If I was 1 percent hopeful for this baby last week, I am now one half percent. I have taken a few one dollar pregnancy tests this week, still positive with nice dark lines, but I know that doesn't mean much. I am bleeding alot, but I do remember when I was expecting Camille and thought I was miscarrying, and thinking I needed to go in for a D&C because I was bleeding too much. Little did I know, she was growing and thriving in there through all that.

So tomorrow I am 99 1/2% the sonographer will say, "I'm sorry, there is no more baby." Or more likely, "The pregnancy is gone." She didn't refer to the little hearbeating baby as a baby, but as, "the pregnancy". blah.

That little half percent of hope is a crazy thing. It flares up sometime, making me so very hopeful.

As for physically, I am ready to be done with this bleeding and move on. I haven't exercised except for walking a mile every morning, so I feel lethargic. The scale hasn't gone up, thankfully, but it stays the same. Going out and about is not fun, in fact it is nerve wracking. I told Paul yesterday that I am sorry if I have been miserable...then I asked him if he thought I was, and he said, "No.". That was nice. Nothing like, "Am I being miserable, growl, rr, well, AM I!!?" I told him that most likely my hormones are doing a nosedive right now, so besides the fact that I am going through something that is horrible, losing a sweet little baby, I have do deal with the total downer of those falling hormones. One thing I have noticed though, is even when I can't help being sad, I can help what thoughts I agree with. I can still be totally and completely good and faithful in my thought life, no matter how depressed and down I feel. For example, I want to blame the midwife I saw last week. I have thought after thought about how she was with me, the things she said, how she was so dismissive. So should I just start getting bitter? No thanks! And, I have thoughts about Paul...he shouldn't have said this one thing....but really? He has been so kind and thoughtful and good...I am so very glad that God is good, that His ways are perfect, and no matter what trials we go through, we don't have to give in to sin.

I feel a bit guilty, I have been sitting here for so long. The kids are mostly up now, and they are cleaning up, and here I sit. Part of me says, Too Bad, I Deserve It, but....I still feel lazy.