waiting and wondering..

One minute I feel hopeful, the next I just know this pregnancy is doomed. Tomorrow's sonogram seems so far away. I am spotting just a bit here and there, and when I think of Camille's pregnancy, I get hopeful. Then I remembered one of my pregnancies long ago, one in which I had a very light period while pregnant, had no idea I was pregnant. Then I missed the next one, and made an appointment for four weeks after that, because the dr. like to see me after missing two periods. Well, imagine my surprise on that first visit that I was actually SIXTEEN weeks pregnant! I guess back then with all the little ones, my morning sickness just blended in with all the fatigue and busyness.

The hard part in all this is that my older kids keep looking at me so hopefully and asking how I am doing. I just say I am not sure. Emily says she has been dreaming about twins. They just want this baby so badly. I am working on being content, come what may. God doesn't make mistakes.

The other thing that is challenging right now is that it is still summer, and there are things we have to do! On a practical note, I do not have time for a miscarriage! Paul asked me to do something with him this week, and I said, "maybe...." I just have this feeling I have some suffering ahead of me, in the near future. blah.

I truly have so much to be thankful for though. Abigail bought me a Fisher-Price Dollhouse for my birthday! My birthday was last month, but she brought the gift over yesterday. The little girls were so excited to share it with me. Abigail had gotten it on clearance at Target. I was fleetingly tempted to save it and sell it on ebay, but my little girls would have been too disappointed.

Emily and Abigail were both here for dinner yesterday. We had baked chicken breasts, I put some of them in a hotsauce/butter mixture and put them back in the oven for a bit, they were just like Buffalo wings. Then fries, I only had two, and broccoli. The kids had ice cream sandwiches for dessert, I passed. I had already had one of Mirielle's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies earlier...then later, she made that deadly stove-top popcorn with butter, and yes, I had some. blah. I eat so healthy, but sometimes just can't resist those yummy extras. And to be honest, I feel like I am feeling just a little bit sorry for myself, so I am justified in having a little extra. But I recognize that, and know it doesn't make sense. I don't want to gain any weight back!

Rosie and I went on our walk this morning, then came back and had our breakfasts. I had oatmeal with a big spoon of crunchy peanutbutter in it. Only a half cup of oats, an one tablespoon of peanutbutter. It is so good, and keeps me full for hours.

The little girls love their new room together with bunk beds. They wake up too early in the morning, this morning they were up by seven. They play Barbies and dollies and have a good time in there. Yesterday I helped Suzanne, Sonja, and Jonathan clean their room up. How does so much stuff end up under the bed? And where do all the papers come from? Hair ponies, pennies, doll shoes...legos. Everything in there is now sorted and cleaned up, and I am happy about it. I asked Sonja if she was glad it was so nice and clean, and she said she doesn't really care. She just helped me because she thought it made me happy. Really?

Gramma also got the girls a new dresser. I got rid of the changing table I had had for years, it had baskets of their clothes on it. I also said goodbye to the old white bookcase that my parents had gotten from surplus Army, years and years ago. It was rickety and had to be propped up... it also had baskets of clothes on it. It looks neater with their stuff in the dressers now.

Of course now I have two extra laundry baskets full of stuff to wash...

I did find some new sneakers I got for Jon last year on clearance, nice wide-width leather sneakers from Target. And some suede boots for Charlotte Claire for kindergarten, and three new pair of shoes.

I still need to get some things on the kids' school lists, and a few of them need sneakers. And we accidentally left two really nice lunchboxes at the park the other day. I think I might just go buy Charlotte Claire a nice new one. The older kids would rather brown bag it, but the little ones like the cutsie lunch bags.

It is another rainy-ish day today, cloudy and cozy in here. Charlotte Claire is bugging Camille, they have too much energy and are tired and they are having too much fun antagonizing each other. Now Jon is tattling on Char for doing headstands on the couch...time for this mom to get moving...