My fifteenth kindergartner attended orientation last evening. She is so little and sweet and innocent, and I want to grab her back and keep her. Charlotte Claire and Camille have this special closeness that will never be the same with Charlotte Claire gone every day. But Char really wants to go to school, and I think if I keep her here and homeschool her, she will feel like she has missed out on something.
It is the end of a special time for the two girls, but a new beginning for Char, and she is excited. Camille will be lost without her, so I will have to bring her to story hour and keep her busy.
And, I will let her skip school alot.
wah.
I finally let myself count, only four more days until school starts.
Today, I am taking my seventh and eighth children to get their learner's permits to drive. We need to get moving because some of the older kids are working at the football game at the Dome this afternoon. No, there is never a dull moment around here. Emily is taking Margaret and Kathryn to Norway at either New Year's time, or in March, so they need to get passports.
Sonja and Jonathan are fighting and arguing this morning. I do not want to get involved. When they are set to bicker, I am not going to play referee. I will just send one of them out of the room.
The older kids are all leaving for the weekend for the youth conference. We will only have six kids here.
So...why do things like miscarriages happen? I obviously don't know the answer to that, but I have learned some things during this...
1. I am a bigger complainer than I ever realized.
2. In theory, I believe that God knows exactly what I need and sends what is best for me. But when things get difficult, then my faith is tested. And tried faith is worth more than gold.
3. Women everywhere suffer these things, perhaps the grumpy lady in the store just went through this.
4. I am a big complainer. I found so much discontentment in myself...couldn't swim, couldn't go places...
5. I have a strong tendency to console myself with things like chocolate and ice cream.
6. Other people move on, yet here I am still reeling...
7. Having a miscarriage isn't a socially acceptable thing to announce one is going through. It is awkward. It is uncomfortable. I mean, imagine the following: "Hi! How are you?" "Well, actually, I just had a miscarriage...no heartbeat, so I had a D&C. It was awful, and it took me days just to feel slightly normal again. The hardest part was that there was a heartbeat the week before, and I was so excited."
8. No one wants to be a member of the Baby Loss Club. But I am extremely thankful for the internet and for this blog, because it helps tremendously to know I am not alone.
9. Hearing about other people's babies and pregnancies is painful, but it does not mean that I am not happy for them. It just is painful, and I cannot help that. And this sounds insane because I have so many blessings already.
10. "Newborn" is one of my favorite words, and there is nothing in the world more precious than a newborn baby. I was almost at the point where I was resigned to the fact that I would not have anymore babies when I found myself pregnant again, and it was like a million-billion-zillion dollar gift, way way too good to be true. So, it is quite understandable that I am dealing with some devastation here.
But, life goes on. The kids are getting along better now, they are playing Wii, and hula-hooping.
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6 comments:
I think pregnancy loss is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I have been pregnant 11 times and have 6 beautiful babies. My last pregnancy was tubal and resulted in a tubal ligation. The one before ended with me hemmorhaging and going to the ER for an emergency D&C. It is an awful thing. Allow yourself time to grieve.
I think of all the things that came from the fall, the fact that conception is not perfect every single time is one of the saddest. Mama's shouldn't have to have their hearts broken in such a personal way.
I talk about my losses too. It may make some uncomfortable, but I know there are many who have felt this pain. Why should we suffer in silence?
Prayers of healing and peace for you....
and my computer passwords always have something to do with my number of pregnancies, not just children. I don't want to forget them!
1. You are not a complainer. We are women and this is how we function.
2. I read every thing you write although I almost never comment.
3. I grieved with you and still am. I miscarried two of my babies ... one far to far along.
4. I wanted a zillion kids, and was only blessed with 4. I had horrific pregnancies and therefore have had all these years to come to terms with things are as they are because. Not because you are a better or worse mom, not because octomon deserves more etc. We live in a fallen world this is a result of sin world.
5.Your day to day life is wonderful...it is my life on a larger scale. We are the same age pretty much. We have the same thoughts often...we love our children and love life.
6. You are a champ. 15 kids off to kindergarten. I love you.I LOVE being able to get glimpses into your life as you are able to put to blogging more honest thoughts than I can put down. You confirm to me that my life is normal and others are exactly like me. You are wonderful.
7. Why shouldn't you grieve? You love life. You know what happens as they grow and then even move on...you should cherish this loss as it is a definer. We need more that grieve when one in the womb does not survive. You are a blessing and not alone.
8. I love that you share the norms of the kids. My boys get going and I too walk off or send them off. No need to stop it, because it only delays.
9. I love that you are such a mom that I only pray I have been. You make me tear up as I type this. You are such a loving compassionate momma. 16 kids have been blessed ever so much ALL because of you.
10. I need you as one needs coffee each day. I need to have my dose of normal. You remind me of my childhood as I was one of 8-so not as large but as fun. You remind me of me, and I am too critical with me to share so much, but you are lighthearted and allow me to realize I am normal. You are such a blessing to me. Please never doubt your emotions or your life or you again. Because you are all of us out here in blogworld. And for that I am sending hugs the only way I can ((((((((hugs)))))))
love your blog sister/friend/ confidant/team member/ear across the nation...
Jennifer
I have never to my knowledge miscarried, but I imagine it to be a silent kind of grief. I read a book years back called "Free to Grieve." It was on miscarriage and still births and gave me a deeper understanding of a mother's pain and the oft unspoken sorrow. I pray my heart is soft toward those who hurt in such a way. You are still on my heart and in my prayers.
You and Camille are more than welcome to visit us here one day. And I'm still hoping to find you at the Fair.
I sent you an email...
I don't see it as complaining. You are so entitled to your hurt and feelings. If you didn't express and let yourself feel, I would worry. It's ok to mourn our losses for as long as it takes.
P.S. I hope that this won't discourage you from trying for another child if that is your desire. Hey, my neighbor just had her first baby at 49. :)
I could have wrote all ten of those points myself! They say exactly how I feel. Except for me, #10 would be that I have not resigned myself to the fact of not having more since I am still getting pregnant every couple of months. But, the feeling of that million-zillion gift too good to be true did just happen this spring when I found out it was twins. But, God has His plans and as much as it hurt, His plans are greater than mine.
Thanks for the comment on my blog--It helps to know that other moms are going thru the same things.
I love that you're so real and honest. It helps me so much to know that others are really actually battling some of the same things. Not just in words or in theory, but really doing it. I sort of feel like we're having fellowship during the day even though we haven't spoken and it's encouraging. If that makes any sense.
I agree with your other commenters about allowing yourself time to grieve. ♥
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