mom-guilt....is it real?

This morning I dragged my lazy rear out of bed at 6:19 so I could make up some pancake batter for the kids before I walked the Bad Dog. I felt pretty terrific about this, even though it was just Aunt Jemima Complete Just-Add-Water mix.

The kids appreciated it, and one of the older ones even complimented me. Then, oh then...one of my daughters expressed dismay that she would have to go out into the world smelling like pancakes! She hates when things are cooked in the morning. I say if anyone gets close enough to her to smell her, they should answer to me, but I didn't mention that this morning, as I was trying to behave and keep the peace.

I guess it's the old You Can Please Some Of The People Some Of The Time...

It's the same thing when I buy cookies. I do not eat cookies anymore, especially packaged cookies (okay, sometimes I will eat one cookie...just sometimes) anyway, some of the kids are jumping up and down with thrilledness to have cookies and milk, then one of them will say, "why do you buy cookies when no one needs them?"...and I do understand this point of view. I like to see the kids enjoy things, but I don't want to make anyone suffer...besides me, of course..wait, I don't want to suffer either....anyway...

I was planning on going swimming with Miss Camille this morning until I found out that Sonja's class is having a Swim Party today at the same time as the open swim. I will not do that to her. She is having a hard enough time. She claims her suit is too tight, and did not bring it, so she will just be watching. wah. I could not convince her otherwise, she is worried about the locker room, too...changing in front of the other girls. Oh, why do they have to grow up and get self-conscious? She is such a sweet and pretty little girl, too. Perhaps I will go and pick her up and spare her sitting there on the bench watching the other kids swim...

I have been looking at Jamaica vacations....hmm, now why do I feel such a longing to go there again? I mean besides the obvious reasons like the unbelievable color of the water and the sand and the nice hot sun that is all but gone from around here by December...could it be the days of relaxing with Paul, having conversations whenever we want about whatever we want without interruption, except for perhaps from a waiter asking what we would like to drink? It could be because I now know what it is like to have five or six days without having to worry at all about what the kids are doing, or break up a fight, or make dinner for 15 people. Or 16 or 17 or 18. I have experienced the gradual emptying of the mind of the little details that usually smother my poor brain, the actual state of relaxation. That does not happen in real life, ever. Oh, I have "rest", but that state of low-intensity bliss, of peace...I am craving it. If I hadn't gone on these vacations in the last two years, I wouldn't even have known this existed...but now I know! (Hey, we were married for 26 years before we had a honeymoon...we got married on a Friday night, went to church on Sunday, and back to work on Monday...)

A weekend away is nice, but not nearly so nice as the Caribbean.

Last night we heated up the leftover pizza in the oven, made nice salad, cut up the last watermelon of the season (I shall not buy another, this one was rather mushy), and I grilled the marinated chicken breasts outside. It came out just right, nice and juicy. Chicken is good to have because when there is some left, Paul and the older kids take it for lunches the next day.

The Kitten thinks Rosie is his mother. He comes purring over to her trying to cuddle up...and Rosie washes Kitten....it is cute. Kitten even goes into Rosie's cage for naps...sometimes I give Kitten some chicken or good treats in Rosie's bowl and make Rosie wait 'til Kitten is done before she can have any...it drives her crazy, but I am hoping it helps her respect Kitten...hopefully it doesn't backfire and make her eat Kitten all up.

I told Mali that no matter what name she picks, Mr. Swanson or Aunt Calculator(Joe's name for kitty), I end up calling it Kitty Kitten.

Is it becoming obvious yet that I have absolutely nothing to say?

Rosie needs another bath. I gave her one last week, which signaled to her that it was a good time to go romp through the swamp. She doesn't like to be clean and fluffy and smell like baby shampoo. (I use it on her face so it doesn't hurt her eyes).

Camille is in her own little world playing Barbies right now. And yes, I do have some things to do..I just don't feel like it. I swept and mopped and did laundry yesterday, I don't want to do it again today. Maybe I will go clean up Camille's room again, that's fun. Poor me, right?

Last night I stumbled upon a blog that was upsetting to me...a lady lost 90 pounds, gained it back and more, then lost 110 pounds, and gained that back...she is now trying to mentally prepare herself to do it again, "for good this time". I do not want to do that. I have to divorce my mind from the love of all yummy things. This is going to be a lifelong battle for me. I think it is No Fair sometimes because I see normal thin people eating things I cannot have...and can never have, really. Martha, you asked about popcorn...yes, I can have popcorn...I make hot-air popped sometimes...but not a whole bowl of it...and not every day...I long to come to the place where it is fine to just eat my salad and chicken and be satisfied without dueling it out in my mind about whether I can have just a bite of the fresh bread, or the brownie, or worse, the ice cream...will the love of All Things Yummy ever decrease, or better yet disapear? I am hoping so. Resist the devil and he will flee from you, right?

So I think I will go make some cookies. just kidding.

Maybe I will look at resorts on the seven mile beach in Negril...