It occured to me this morning, as I acknowledge that today is Robert William's birthday, that perhaps after seven years, I should be fine with losing him. And mostly I am, but when I stop and really THINK about him, and that whole summer, I can't help but cry. And I can't help but stop and really think about the whole thing every once in a while, especially on his birthday, which is a total rip off to even say, because "birth" is a beautiful word, to me it means life and happiness.....in remembering that day, I would like to mention, again, how lovely the nurse was who assisted....she wrapped him up so tenderly and was so kind to me that I seriously felt sorry for her to have to go through it with us. I also remember the other pregnant woman, who was also being induced that day, who kept trying to make eye contact with me in the waiting room, the woman who I saw later in the birthing room when I walked by, the woman who was so excited to be having a baby! Somewhere around town is her seven year old, celebrating a birthday today. I just couldn't talk to her that day. Just couldn't.
I am thankful that this wasn't my last child, Jonathan Robert came ten months and two weeks later, and he was worth millions to us, in healing and in joy....yet I felt a bit guilty and disloyal to Robert (whom I was planning to call "Rob"...).....anyway....I wish hugs and comfort on anyone who has gone through this, losing a baby.
My sweet little Jonathan Robert missed the bus today. He had a good attitude this morning, and really tried to get ready on time, but the bus came along a few minutes early, and he had left his shoes at the front door, and just plain missed it. Oh well. Maybe I'll take them up to the cemetary today....although, I would kind of like to go by myself. Maybe if I had a chance to cry all alone, I would be all better and not sad about him anymore.
Jonathan Robert is saying, "Mom, tell Char to stop touching my stuff. She is being annoying." Hmm. I think he wants me to drive him to school. She is just being annoying because she wants to play house, she is happy to have him home, but he wants to lie on the couch playing with cars and trucks and tractors.
Today is cloudy with a 90% chance of rain. A good day to get things done, as opposed to yesterday....yesterday was sunny and warm and breezy and just plain perfect.
Seven years ago tonight my Margaret Cheryl graduated from kindergarten. She is now 13 years old. My sister took her to kindergarten graduation for us, as I was in the hospital. Tomorrow night is Jonathan's kindergarten graduation. I was hoping all of us would go, but now five of the kids are going to Ohio. Anyway, Jon is my 14th child to finish kindergarten. I started singing the song the other day, "Kindergarten, kindergarten, it's been great, it's been great....now we're on to first grade...", and Jon was totally surprised...."How do you know that song, Mommy? We're learning it in school!" hmm. How do I know this song.....
Sometimes I look at my kids are realize what a great responsibility we have been given. Nine of them have reached teenager status, 4 of them are twenty and over now, (which means 5 teens ) seven of them are 12 and under. I do not feel adequate to teach them and guide them, especially because a few of the teenagers think I am such an idiot. Well, not all of the time, but....anyways, I certainly see my lack of wisdom. With young children, keeping them safe and well fed and hugged and clean is easy compared to taking care of the older ones. They are all different, and no one way works for all. Yet caring for all of them requires one particular thing, the one thing that always seems the hardest: sacrifice. I have to sacrifice my time and my sleep and my vigilance with the younger ones, and sacrifice my will and my opinions with the older ones. I have to learn to drop topics, or just be quiet, to resist having the last word, to be flexible, and to just plain let things go unti it is more peaceful. And when they do things that I don't want them to do, or show bad character, I feel guilty. I didn't teach them well enough. Which is really just proud, it is not all about me. Well.....my kids are talking to me, Rosie is at the neighbors', and Camille is up....and I was just rambling anyway.
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5 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss and all that you have gone through. I lost a baby too, not at all near to term but if that hurt me I can only imagine how much more it must have hurt you. I do believe we will be reunited with all our children one day. Even the ones that didn't get to be because they are still our babies.
Hugs to you on this day. there is no statute of limitations. It's okay to still miss him.
I remember the baby I lost, though it was too early to know for sure if it was a boy or girl. I don't think you ever forget, though you do have to go forward with your other children.
I remember the fifth grade graduation song. My favorite phrase in the one my kids sing about the most important things they learned in school was in kindergarten. They sing "of all you've learned here, remember this the best, don't hurt each other and clean up your mess. Take a nap everyday, wash before you eat, hold hands, stick together, look before you cross the street. Remember the seeds in the little paper cups, first the roots grow down and then the plants grow up."
Can you tell all of my kids have gone to the same elementary school?
I have never lost a child, but I can only imagine it is one of life's most heartbreaking moments. Remember his life, short as it was, and hold him in your heart. One day, when Jesus comes again, you will hold him in your arms.
It breaks my heart when you write about Robert, you seem to feel like you shouldn't or can't be sad 7 years later. Give yourself the opportunity to grieve whenever you feel the need, you're allowed!! Robert is real and he is missing from your life. I'm sorry for your pain.
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