october

October has always been a strange month for me. 14 years ago my mother had her first heart attack in October. I'll never forget the phone call from my brother one early morning....of course when your brother calls you early in the morning, you know it's something bad. I remember driving home from visiting her in the hospital, and seeing all the Halloween decorations, particularly the fake grave stones, and skeletons. When the death of someone you love looms as a very real possibility, these things are just stomach-turning. I don't mind the trick-or-treat and dressing up aspect of Halloween, but no thank you to the gore......

We didn't celebrate trick or treating with the kids for several years. We have a wonderful Fall Feast each year at church. But somewhere along the line, we realized there was nothing wrong with the kids dressing up and going out for candy. I had assumed for years that it was wrong to ask people for candy. But now I see that most people, people who have their lights on and decorations up, WANT to give kids candy. I know my parents absolutely loved a chance to blesss the children, and they were blessed in return. They were the "good" house, that gave lots of good candy to each child, and my mom always talked to the kids and got a good kick out of their costumes. So, when we started taking the kids trick-or treating, we of course took them down to the nice suburban neighborhood my parents lived in. We live on a rural road, with houses far apart....I have been known to dress a little silly too, just to see the look on my Dad's face. One year, I dressed as a clown. My face looked so funny, I surprised myself when I looked in the mirror. That year, we stopped at Little Cesaers for some $5 pizzas....I pulled up to the curb to let a few of the older kids go in and pick it up. A cop (excuse me, a police officer) walked up to the van and asked me what I thought I was doing. Just getting pizza, is that okay with you? I don't know what posessed me to answer so rudely.....then I glanced in my rearwiew mirror with a shock! I had forgotten how ridiculous I looked!

Well, we went to their house year after year....even last year, after they were gone and the house was for sale...two of my brothers, and my sister, and their kids would gather there, and the kids would go out in groups....we would go with them for part of it, then the older ones would go farther, longer, to get more candy.....but last year, I was due for Camille, so I just stayed at my parents' house......

Anyway, this year? The house is sold, and I am pretty sure the new occupants wouldn't want 30 people sitting in their yard.....so we will just have to something different. I think I'll still take them to that neighborhood. It is just a bit sad.....I know everyone has to die someday, but I really miss them. They were only 69 and 70 when they died...

It is a rainy chilly morning, it almost looks like snow mixed in. It goes against everything in me to send the little girls out to the bus this morning. I didn't wake Sonja up. They were up late last night, and she just gets so worn out. She does very well in school, so if she misses a day here and there, she will be fine.

Abigail and I are leaving when she gets home from college this afternoon, to get a present for the baby shower we are going to. Then I want to take a quick run into the grocery store (living out here is tough in that respect, such a haul to the good stores) for some necessities. I am very excited about this outing. Very. I have to sort of prepare dinner, or at least have some suggestions, but they will do it with out me. What a break....the thing is, Joseph is 17, Aaron 15, Molly 14, Sam 13, Margaret 11, they should be able to watch and feed the younger ones...Daddy will be here by dinner time too, and he is totally fine with me going. So he will take over....yay, I am so excited. I love them dearly, but oh, walking out the door unencumbered once in a blue moon just makes me want to jump up and down....I will of course feel the ever-present guiltiness that accompanies leaving them, and I will miss them, and think every once and a while about what they are doing without me. And tomorrow I will give them extra hugs and kisses, and drill them about how their evening went.....but, ahhhh....it will be nice.