remembering poor little baby robert william

It's that time of year again....the end of the school year, summer is coming....6 years ago this time I lost baby Robert. It was the 16th of June, 2003. Well, I had gone to the O.B. on Friday afternoon for a routine check-up. I HAD sort of noticed his movement had slowed down, but he still seemed to be bumping around in there. I have written about this before, but the least I can do is remember him.....when the midwife couldn't find his heartbeat, I didn't panic. Ignorance is bliss. She cheerfully suggested a quick sono. Sure. Fine. Duh! I started to understand what was happening when she was moving the doppler around and not saying anything. She got the Dr. He didn't say anything for several hours, so it seemed, then just said very simply, "I'm sorry Della, but the baby has died".....Unreal. They should have just left the room. They didn't. They stayed there and made me hold back the tears. The shock. Oh, they were so nice about it. The dr. just stood there for a while, then suggested I come in Monday morning to be induced. What? All I could think of was I HAVE a dead baby in me. I couldn't believe it. How could he have died? I want him ALIVE. I WANT him. I NEED him. The dr. gave me some pills to take on Sunday night to start things....I did not want to start things. I do not know how I made it home. I had to tell Paul. I had to go tell the kids. What a weekend. On Saturday, my sister-in-law brought my mom over for a visit...my mom felt so bad for me....

Anyway, I DID take the pills to get things started, and went in on Monday morning, bright and early. I remember being in the waiting area, and another mom who was being induced was smiling at me. I just turned away. I truly wished her all the best, but PLEASE don't make me explain this....anyway, the labor was blessedly short and quick, and Robert William was small and sweet and sad and pathetic. He was floppy, and the kind caring nurse, who's eyes were also full of tears, wrapped him up so tenderly before she handed him to us. I'll never forget her respect for him. My memory of him has dimmed a bit, but that's okay, I want to remember him as beautiful. I told the kids he was beautiful. And he sort of was. But his eyes were closed...and I can't bear it still. One of the harder parts was during the night, after having had 13 babies aat that hospital, hearing the rolling of carts in the hall, I kept thinking they were bringing my baby in to me to nurse. I tossed and turned and wanted to be home so badly. In the morning, the dr. said I should go home and be with my kids, and I couldn't wait. Going home from the hospital without the carseat with the little baby in it was a rip-off, to put it mildly. I can't imagine how it would be for someone to be farther along or full term and go through such a loss. Time makes it better, and I have three babies since then, which has helped too. But it still makes me cry.

Well, I am sorry for such a downer of a post....but writing it out helps me, even if I have written about him a few times before.....

Margaret still remembers that the day he was "born" was her kindergarten graduation. My sister Cheryl went for her, which I am ever grateful for. Cheryl also took over Emily's and her Becky's graduation party that was supposed to be here that week.

When Jonathan Robert was born on April 30th of the following year, we were so totally and completely in love with him from the minute he was born....he was shared and held and spoiled and fought over. Jonathan was a blessing. All my kids were recieved with thankfulness and joy, but he ....oh, he was special. And in that context, I am thankful for the whole experience with Robert.