random....

I don't feel like writing about today, although it was a good day. Soccer tournaments are always quite nice, except for the spring one this year, when I had the miscarriage. The kids lost all their games, Jonathan doesn't feel well, and I had to leave early.

But that is not what I am thinking of. I am thinking of how the important things in life are so easy to overlook. Sometimes the most important things seem like just interuptions. For example, I have a hard time multi-tasking sometimes. I might be trying to get a few things taken care of, then a child, say Sonja, comes along and tells me about her dream. Uh, Sonja? Can you tell me about this later? I am trying to think. I cannot think about what I am doing and listen at the same time, and we have to leave.....

Later, these things haunt me. I wish I could go back and hug her. With so many kids, I am being talked to and told things continuously, and it doesn't magically stop when I am trying to remember everything we will all need for the day on soccer day. I guess guilt is a mother's best friend, but I still feel guilty. I feel guilty when I am overcome with frustration, and I get snappy. It was interesting this morning, because Evelyn, who is only ten, is already acting teenager-ish. The whole stomp down the hall thing. The everyone-is-so-mean-to-me attitude. And I don't intend to let it go. So I call her back out. While I am brushing Charlotte Claire's hair. Aaron was sitting on the couch, and he whispers, "Don't take it out on her (C.Claire), Mom".....wow. Wisdom from the 16 year old. Because I noticed that yes, I was brushing too roughly. Thank you Aaron. There is so much to learn in the day, so much much more patience needed to help things run smoothly. Yes, it all seems to fall on me. But God has made it that way. "He has granted us all things pertaining to life and godliness..."(2 Peter).....

It can be so easy to see how others should be. How they should be nicer to their kids, or more helpful, or more respectful. But what I can't see so clearly is how I am. And I do want to see. I want to be more interested in that, so I can be purified. I don't want to be rich and satisfied with myself. So whether I call it guilt, or judgement, or whatever, I am thankful to God for those afterthoughts.

I had the thought the other day, " I am way nice to Paul than he is to me." Then I thought a bit more, and came to the conclusion that I just don't see it, how I am to him. And I started paying more attention, and sure enough, I can be a witch with a capital B without much effort. ouch. And upon more consideration, he is also very very good to me. (he is just not a woman, so he doesn't like to talk things to death, like I do. He thinks, "I don't know." is a good answer. He thinks , "Whatever." is a good answer. Not because he doesn't like me, that is just him.)

Well, I am rambling on and on....Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille are all tucked in to bed, and the older kids are all still out at church....so it is just Paul and I.....time to put away the computer and talk....