...just being honest, I rarely get in a "funk", and I'm not about to...but I am tempted...the feeling sorry for myself feelings are coming on strong today, out of nowhere. There's not usually a good reason for these moods, but I know that I am not going to wallow in it. On the one hand, I can't help that I'm feeling this way, but I sure as heck can help whether I settle in, agree with the thoughts, and become one with it.
I have suspected that for me, the whole getting Covid has brought a roller coaster of emotions, I've felt just ragingly hormonal lately. Look at me wrong, I'm whimpering. So this has brought me into some need, you know, a Coming-To-Jesus need. I don't want to be bound by what anyone thinks, and I want to be thankful for all that God sends my way. My feelings however, don't always line up.
This fine morning, I talked to one of my daughters on the phone. She is an absolute gem, one of my best friends: she's smart, and dedicated and faithful, true and kind and good. She also has a lot of trust in the vaccine, which is fine, she is in medicine, and knows more than I do. I told her that I'm thankful that I have gotten through the dreaded virus with minimal/no damage done, that we know of, without having the even more dreaded vax, at least that's how I see it. I am thankful for this. I acknowledge that I do my reading and my poking around, and it's what I've had peace for.
But, when your own kid sounds disdainful of your choices, ouch. This morning, I just found myself in tears...because what if I had gotten really really sick? It would have been because of that choice I made, and no one could convince some people otherwise, even though here in my county, more than half of people testing pos are vax, and the #hospitalized has been about equally split.
I don't mean to sound like she said anything rude, because she didn't. But a mom knows her girls, and I can sense these things.
This isn't meant to be a debate, as I totally respect each person's choices, and this has been a very rough few years to navigate, trying to figure out what's true, and what's political, and what's for each one's best. There are things to weigh, decisions to make, and I don't believe that people have been given all the info on side effects, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.
In any case, I've just found so many reasons to cry today, and since I'm home all alone, I've just cried a little...
1. I can't seem to lose weight, even drinking black coffee. I tried on some shorts in Kohls, and my legs! Oh, cottage cheese married peach colored jello and moved into my thighs!
2. I cannot taste my coffee. I know, nothing to cry about, but wah anyway!
3. This morning, I started thinking about all the people being cold, if they cannot afford heat, or if their pipes froze, or little kids not having warm enough blankets, and it just made me so overwhelmingly sad for all the people everywhere who suffer, and I cannot bear it. With energy prices, and food prices...oh dear.
4. I've had to do some soul searching about caring what people think of me. Some of the harsher comments I've had here recently hurt, made me almost cringe at the thoughts of viewing the comments, which has never been an issue here, for years and years...I mean, I've had the off rudeness, I've had comments with bad language I haven't printed, and a few really off colored random ones, but overall, only goodness from very nice people. At the end of the day, of course it doesn't matter if someone doesn't like me, there are a lot of people in this world, we cannot each live to please every single person, and I honestly don't want to try to please any person. I know that each thought, each action, how I use my time, all of my choices, I will answer for, I will stand before God. This knowledge brings me to judge what I say and do, and how I react, and I know this is the only thing that matters, in the long run.
I feel a bit better already, but honestly, I can't even let myself think of the sufferings in this world.
I think I'll move on to happier thoughts...we went to visit Margaret and Adrian last evening. Margaret and Camille played their violins, Evelyn her flute, and Paul his mandolin and guitar...
Today is beef stew day. I browned up the beef with coarse ground pepper, flour, salt, onion powder, and a dash of garlic, then cut up potatoes and carrots, simmered it for a bit while I cleaned up the mess, then put it into the crockpot. It's interesting, because I can get these little whiffs of smell, little hints, and it's so exciting, so hopeful!
The meatballs were so good last night! I couldn't really taste them, but there is a bit of something there, more than before, and the consistency was nice, ha. Margaret made bread sticks and pasta, and had made cookies (none of these things were consumed by me...)But: I brought some melt-away mints, little white chocolate, chocolate chip shaped non-pareills, minty flavored pastel candies...I could taste the mint! I was so excited about that, I ate WAY more than I should have!
No, I don't have anything to complain about, but life isn't always easy...you can please some of the people some of the time, but I do aim to live a life pleasing to God, and that's a serious thing, the most important thing.
16 comments:
Hi there, mary in buffalo. So glad to hear you've made it through COVID without any severe effects. I tend to be on the opposite end of the political spectrum but my own convictions have been tested recently when a fully vaccinated 43 year old friend died from COVID right before Christmas. I am sickened that when I tell people a friend died of COVID they assume she was not vaccinated and sort have this she deserved it then attitude. No one deserves to suffer. Wishing suffering on other people is the exact opposite of what I want to do in this life. I also don't blame unvaccinated people for her death or any one elses infections. Would it be better if everyone got vaxxed --- maybe? Would it still be awful - yes! I work in the statistical field and I wanted to mention about your county's hospitalization numbers...Just looking at the numbers of people isn't really enough to understand the full picture. People at high risk are just that - high risk of hospitalization and just getting the vaccine doesn't eliminate their comorbitities, just reduces the chances of severe infection. They are always going to be hospitalized at a higher rate regardless of vaccine status so those numbers are comparing apples (high risk vaccinated individuals) and oranges (average risk unvaxxed individuals). Just something to think about...
Glad you are feeling better and have a hint of taste now and then. Continue to take care of yourself and the kiddos. One day at a time! xo
I've been depressed since before Christmas. I thought it was hormones, and then I got sick, and wondered if it was a part of being sick. It could still be physiological for you, even though you are feeling better in other ways. I like that you are leaning into Jesus; that's the best thing we can do ❤️
Hugs
Valerie
Hi Della 🥰 We are all entitled to have a pity party once in a while……..as long as it doesn’t last too long. You are an upbeat person from where I sit after reading your blog for quite a few years. You have been under the weather for a couple of weeks, lost your taste and smell which for someone who loves food is hard! I would hate it too as I too LOVE my food!! Please don’t be hard on yourself…….this too shall pass 😊 Think about your lovely trip to Florida! How great that is going to be. I go on to my girls about dimply, fat legs and get told to get over it, that no one could care less…..blah, blah, blah 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 And it’s true. I’m glad little Wulf is feeling better too poor little lamb. Hearing the girls and Paul play for you all…………lovely 😊Enjoy your evening!
Marilyn from Canada 🇨🇦
Your
Mary, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. The shaming is awful, we as human beings must be kind to each other. It really breaks my heart to think there are actually people who think anyone deserves to suffer. Hugs to you.
Terri, thank you, yes, one day at a time!
Valerie, I do wonder if feeling depressed is part of the virus, in any case, hugs to you. It's hard to have so much responsibility as a mama to so many and not feel well. Hope you start getting more spring in your step soon!
I read often but never comment. We are also going through Covid in our house, and I just wanted to tell you that I was so cranky and depressed while I had it. As soon as you get through this you will feel better, I promise!
There is no one in my family who says anything about the shot, so no one forces their thoughts on anyone else. Folks are different in shot thoughts down here in our state anyway. I've only had one person (just an acquaintance) in all this time try to foist their belief about the shot on me once... I just told them nicely but firmly thanks for their input but I would make my own decisions, end of discussion, do not bring it up again. It really is too bad some people think everyone needs to think their way (not referring to your daughter). I learned a long time ago (from my father's exaample while he was alive) to not worry about what people think when I make those decisions. I'm going to be 65 in a week... I think that's plenty old enough to make my own choices. (I do LOTS of research, and NOT via mainstream news. Plus I have medical people in my family.) // The devil likes to play with our minds, impose himself into our thoughts, and he knows the past two years have made so many people question everything in their lives on a scale they never did before all of this. He loves it when we start questioning everything and become confused. Just keep leaning in to the Lord and give Him your trust... Jesus is always the answer. You are in my prayers, dear Della! Hugs!
Colleen, thank you so much for commenting, you have no idea how much better it makes me feel that I am not alone in feeling this way! I was wondering what the heck was wrong with me! Thank you!
Diana, I've done my share of research too, and I'm not an "anti-vaxxer", though there is nothing wrong with being that, either, because we live in the USA, and people can choose! Anyway, I just had nigglings of worry about this vaccine, I was signed up two different times to get it, and changed my mind, just didn't have peace about it. Dr. Malone, Dr. McCullough, Bret Weinstein...there are some brilliant people out there doing research. Countries in India where they've used Ivermectin to prevent river blindness, and have very few cases of Covid...and on and on. Thank you for the encouragement, thank you!
Oh, Della, I barely ever comment, but now that we are on the same COVID schedule, ha ha. Actually, I'm a few days (week?) ahead of you, and I could really honestly BARELY taste coffee on day 14. I'm sure it's better.
It's mouth-feel, by the way, mouth-feel that we non-smellers and non-tasters are good at :) Some foods have great mouth-feel even without much taste. I hope you get coffee back soon. Mine is ALMOST all the way back, I still don't taste the bitterest part and wish for more sugar, as I usually do. There's hope!
I have really enjoyed your blog for years and years, quietly!
susie in california
Susie, hello! The same Covid schedule, that struck me as so funny, and shh, I KNOW Covid isn't funny, but. I'm so glad to hear yours is almost back. The "mouth-feel": you nailed it. I made that chicken pot pie, couldn't taste a thing, but that texture is still delectable. My taste and smell are sneaking back a little, I get hints and whispers of scent, so slight, but it's there, and it's exciting! You really don't know how much you miss something until it's gone! Thank you so much for commenting, warms my heart!
I remember January being a tough, depressing month when we lived in New York when you add being sick and having to endure snarky comments of liberals who preach inclusion of all as long as you share their views you would be superhuman not to be depressed. I still have family living in New York and it saddens me to see them living in fear and marching lockstep to your Looney gov. These years cannot be recaptured and fear is no way to live ones life. I am unvaxed, had covid was sick for 3 days in which I could not smell. It did not last and now I have natural immunity. I respect those who felt the need to get the jab and pray that they will not suffer side effects later. Unfortunately the media has stoked fears and animosity towards unvaxed which causes all the division and David animosity. My children think we are deranged for remaining unjabbed. One of the jabbed and boosted is recovering hers being a full week of illness. This is rather long but I hope it will help you feel more positive. God has got this and I fervently prayer it will end soon.
I hate to hear you are feeling down. You guys have certainly had a rough time here lately. I'm praying for better days for you. I enjoy reading everything you have to say!
Gurlllllllllllll...where do I start? Ok, I'll just say, I am keeping in prayer. Been there, done that in everything about covid. Still dealing with folk's attitudes. My job one of them. They have decided to adopt the NYC model; soon vax cards will be needed, I don't know when, but it will happen. I.AM. DONE. WITH. THIS IN REGARD TO WHERE I WORK. Blatant disregard to the Supreme Court ruling. I am so looking forward to our great escape south.
As for Paul and the girls playing the violin, I bet that was the sweetest sound, grin.
Betty, thank you so much for your comment. January is a long cold month...it does sparkle, but there is that knowledge that it's only the beginning, really, of cold and snow, thus it's awfulness. The snarky comments are hard too. I agree though, "the years cannot be recaptured, and fear is no way to live one's life." Well said. Thank you.
Mandy, thank you!
Linda, the vax cards just to live life INFURIATE ME! I might move in next door, down in Florida....and yes, the family playing their music is lovely. Thank you for your goodness, Linda. :)
Anyone would be depressed from feeling bad and being stuck inside, I know I would! I'm less and less impressed with the vaccine and it's effectiveness. Right now, I know about a dozen people personally who have Covid and they are all vaccinated! So it definitely should be a personal, and private, decision and not something forced on everyone as it obviously isn't working very well. Hope you feel better soon.
My take on it is we have never shamed or looked down upon anyone who catches or dies from the flu if they didn't get their flu vaccine, why are people doing it with covid? (I am in no way saying your daughter was shaming you, just people in general). If you want the shot, get it. If you don't want it, don't. Either way we all need to focus on washing hands and covering our mouths just like we have always done to stop the spread of viruses. And no I am not comparing the flu to covid, just the the what it is transmitted. My good friend's mom ended up in the hospital due to covid last fall and when her husband went to the hospital to get himself checked out due to worries they told him straight out it was his fault she was so sick for not getting the shot. I was LIVID.
I think a lot of people are having a hard time right now. With all the confusing covid stuff, anxieties from it all, plus the dark and cold and money...blech. Ready for spring and sunshine and to pretend everything is all good again! LOL we will get there!
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