off they go to school....

Evelyn so nicely agreed to take Rosie out and hook her leash to the chain so she can run around in the snow for a while. And as she was out there, in one of the pairs of size eleven boots, the bus came. 5 minutes early. Rosie wasn't hooked up yet, so she of course lunged towards that big scary bus, barking and tugging. Evelyn just stood out there yelling her head off that the bus was here. I quickly put on another pair of size eleven boots, grabbed all Evelyn's school stuff, including her shoes, and went out and rescued her. The bus had to wait while she changed out of the boots, but Evelyn didn't seem to ruffled. They all made it to school again today.

I plan to stay home today. I have to wash all the pizza pans from last night's homemade pizza, and do a huge cleanup job in the laundry room. Camille-the-crazy-clothes-changing-girl pulled a shelf down last night, trying to reach something nice to wear. The shelf held like a hundred pounds of clothes folded on top and hanging from it on hangers, and now is actually in the row of hampers parked beneath it. I have my work cut out for me.

I dreamed about my brother last night. My brother Billy. I dreamed he came in with Benjamin and his cousin, and sat down. We were shocked to see him, and asked him what he was doing here. He said, "I just wanted to tell you why I did it. I had cancer. I didn't want to be trouble." And I said, "No, you did not have cancer!!" He wanted to know how I could be so sure about that, and I said, "After you died, they....(in my dream, I couldn't find my way to say the word "autopsy".....)um, they checked you out and said you had carbon monoxide in your blood, but that is all they found wrong with you...." He just put his head in his hands and started weeping......and then I woke up. And believe me, I didn't just roll over and go back to sleep....

I also dreamed about my parents. I have this recurring dream that after my mother was buried, they find out that she wasn't really dead, and she comes back. Sometimes my father is there and sometimes not. And sometimes my father comes back to life, too. I go over there, and we all talk about how wierd it is that they were dead and are alive now. My mother always has her furry yellow robe on, or her fuzzy blue one.

I know death is part of life. I know everyone dies. But it seems like they have just vanished into thin air, their house gone their possessions dispersed, they are only memories now. Memories and photographs. I guess this is why I get such great comfort seeing Suzanne wear my mother's nightgown all the time. It is tangible evidence that she actually existed. I miss her so so much. I want to dial 458-2919 and have her pick up the phone and say, "I just picked up the phone to call YOU!" (caller ID ruined all her fun, she used to always guess who was calling when her phone rang). I want her to call me and say, "What're you in the middle of?" I want to pull up to her house and see her standing there at the door with her big blue purse. I want to go to Chinese with her and sit and drink tea and talk for hours. I want to go to Kmart with her and find good deals. I want to just go to her house on a nice spring day, and sit there in the yard while she sits on her lawn swing with all the little ones.....I even miss their dog. I miss my dad, so desperately lonely after my mother passed, calling me and complaining about everything under the sun. My mother did not complain, but my dad sure did.

I actually miss being young sometimes, along with that good warm feeling of being taken care of. We lived in the same house from the time I was a year and a half, they still lived there until they died. So I still have lots of dreams that take place in that house, in that neighborhood. I wonder what it is like for people who moved alot and had multiple childhood homes. What place do they dream of?

I do believe that it is vitally important to actually remember what it was like to be a kid. When I remember things like how I teased a certain kid, and how I took money I shouldn't have, and how I wanted the teacher to notice me so badly, I can see a bit more clearly where my own children are coming from. I can't automatically expect them to see things from my point of view, I have been around a long time now. When I recall what it was like to be in their shoes, I can be much more merciful.

My little girls are up and around and in their sweet little footsie jammies, and I need to feed and change and cuddle them......

Oh, one more thing: I read in the paper this morning that a distraught mother dropped her 9 month old baby off at a local fire department yesterday, saying she could not properly care for him. It is legal in New York State to drop babies off, 5 days old and younger. So far she has not been in any trouble for it, and her sister has stepped in and has the baby. It gave me an idea. But I would probably get in trouble for it. What if I put an ad in the paper that said,"If you have a baby that you feel you won't love quite enough, or take care of adequately, drop him/her off at my house. We will give him/her a cozy home, lots of love....."? The slogan could be, "Your Burden Is Our Blessing"...ha, I am just kidding. Although I still maintain it would be nice to find a baby on the doorstep.....