one week without Paul, ten days to go..

In a way it is nice.....I can just do what I want, and believe me, I have settled in and taken over our whole bedroom, even his side of the bed. Target bags and school supplies...but of course I miss him horribly, there is a big emptiness in the evening when he doesn't come in the door. And when it gets busy and crazy, I miss his calmness and ability to restore some semblance of order. We also work together quite well cutting up meat and filling plates at dinnertime. I mean, he sees what needs to be done and does it without being told, usually, ha. Without him to lean on, though, I have had to do more myself, obviously, but that is not a bad thing. He is usually the #1 tucker-inner at night, but I am seeing that even though I am tired by then, it is quite enjoyable to do this by myself night after night...even though it isn't without challenges. See, all those years I had newborns, he just tucked in the older ones when he was here, and when he wasn't, it was aaah, crazy! But it isn't so crazy now. Usually.

I suppose one of these days we should get on a better schedule because of school....last night we started a movie at 11:30pm....I let Suzanne and Sonja and Evelyn stay up and watch it with Kathryn and Margaret and Mali and Aaron and I. Jonathan slept in my bed, and went to bed like a champ, fell right to sleep, and is STILL sleeping, at 10:24....so is Camille....and Sonja and Suze are, too. Sonja was so happy to get to stay up and be one of the big kids last night, I figured it would be worth it for her to be tired today...it was fun. Popcorn, ice cream sandwiches.....and one of the coconuts the boys put in my cart the other day. Aaron hammered it open, and they enjoyed it.

Ahh, today is a blank slate. I have nothing I have to do except return a RedBox movie in the small city. And the beauty of having only one of those is that if I don't get it back, it is only another buck....

Well, I am just as in love with summer now as I was in the beginning. I am not sick of the kids, not sick of the lack of schedule, not sick of the late nights and late mornings. Yesterday was one of those days that should just be framed, or bottled up. The older kids brought home two dozen ears of sweet corn, I grilled steak and made salad, and we had a very nice dinner. Jon DID spill his water. And he ate three ears of corn and hardly any of his steak. And Camille poured her own barbecue sauce, enough for like five people.

So tomorrow I pick up Mirielle from the bus station, yay! I have to bring the big van and all the kids since my three McDonald's workers will be working, and Joseph is scheduled to work at the New York State Fair. No one to watch them so they will all go with me. After that I am going to my brother's house....and my siblings and I are heading up to the cemetary to bury our brother Billy. (he was cremated, we will bury his ashes...not officially, just plant him with my parents in with a plant...isn't that awful? But he would like that, I think.... I don't know how the cemetary people would feel about it, but what's the difference?....) Then we are going back to my brother Tom's house for a picnic. I can't put into words what I feel about all of this. Having my brother die is something I still cannot fathom. He was my friend. He was happy, wasn't he? Why didn't he tell us if he wasn't? Was his life that horrible that he had to end it? Or did he think he was sick? I miss him. I love him. I don't want to face the fact that I will never see him again, on this earth. Why? How could he? I think we are all still reeling from this, and it has been a year and a half. I doubt this burial will bring closure, but it has to be done, and I am hoping that it will help in the healing process for my brothers and sister and I. And also our families. They say that time heals all wounds, but I think when someone you love dies, it never gets all the way better. My mom, for example....it got a bit better after a while, I no longer actually start to pick up the phone to call her, but it still crosses my mind to call her, especially when Camille poops in the dolly change table, or Kathryn learns to do a back walkover. And I still miss her something fierce.

Emily, my oldest daughter, works in the hospital as an R.N. She works on the critical care/trauma floor. So she sees death, several times a week sometimes. She had a patient the other night (just to make it clear, she NEVER tells me specific details or names, just general stuff...because she has to talk about it once in a while, I think...) Anyway, this patient was a woman in her early fifties, was in remission from cancer, planning a big trip with her sister. She relapsed, and went septic, died so quickly it was unreal. When she passed, her sister could not believe it, and wailed, "We were going to go to Florida, she cannot be dead!" So Em deals with these things on a regular basis. She wonders why people don't realize how short life is, and do more meaningful things with their lives.

Sorry if this post has a gloomy tone. I just want to remember to live my life each day like there is no tomorrow, not in a reckless way, but in a thankful and happy and giving and loving way. Why hold grudges? Why get the last word? Why be so strong and so right? God has blessed me tremendously, I owe big time.....