one of those days

Chilly, cloudy...a wonderful day to be inside, no place to go, with a little girl with a fever. She is sweet and cuddly, and just wants to perch on the arm of my chair, covered with a blanket, all snuggled up to me. Her name is Charlotte Claire. I would like nothing more than to accomodate her, but the monkey wrench is named Camille. She has already dumped some frosted mini-wheats, my entire wallet (which Jon cashed in on, as I let him have all the change except the quarters and a few dimes)(of course he picked up the change for me).....



I took a trip to the store yesterday afternoon with my sister. I called home to see if everything was going okay. Evelyn told me that Charlotte Claire had a fever of 102 and had thrown up in her bed. So yes, I felt guilty. I was having a nice time shopping with Cheryl, but I wasn't going out for lunch or anything. I was getting the usual: diapers, milk, bread, bananas, eggs, yogurt, bagels....when I got home, things were a little hectic because Molly, Margaret, and Kathryn had gone to soccer, Joseph and Samuel had gone to see "Monsters vs. Aliens" with some friends, Abigail had just gotten home, and the little ones were in full swing. Add a bunch of groceries to be put away.....oh, and I had forgotten to tell the Tooth Fairy about some teeth for three different little girls, so I picked them each up a $1 flashlight, with batteries, to keep under their pillows for when the power goes out. What was I thinking? That's what Jon wanted to know. He could not understand for the life of him why I would buy flashlights for the girls and NOT him. So, I gave him the one I carry in my purse. The funny thing is, he didn't want to take it until I assured him I have a spare one in my room. Anyway, add in a Camille who wanted Mommy and no one but Mommy, who was putting things away, and a Charlotte Claire who was sick and also wanted Mommy......that is why I never posted anything last night.

All nine school kids got on the buses today. Ben and Abigail got off to their classes, and that leaves me with Jon, Charlotte Claire, and Camille. My nice clean new living room seems to be getting cluttered up again, slowly but surely. And the laundry room I cleaned so carefully....clothes are piling up again.....and since we put so many toys in the bedroom I cleaned and organized last month, that is no longer as nice as I would like it. All these things require one thing: maintenance. And that requires time. And energy. Which I seem to be lacking. So, today, I am going to spring a chore list on the unsuspecting school kids. If I give each of them a small job, alot will get done. They don't really mind, (HA), but really they like the results.

Camille is climbing all over me, and she wants me to put this away.....I sat down and took a break after picking up and vacuuming the kitchen and living room, and she was busy playing, so I started to type...ha.

sunday evening...

Today was rainy and bleak. The yard is already soggy, so I didn't let them go out and play today. They would just get all muddy. They did have plenty to do in here, though. The girls played dollhouse without any dollhouses.....

It looks fun to me. I still like to sit down with them and set things up. Since I have never grown up, we have tons of dollhouse stuff. I can't pass it up if I see a set of furniture we don't have yet. I buy it and save it for a birthday or Christmas.

The three boys were back for dinner, and the girls were here too. We had RiceKrispy treats for dessert, I made a double batch, and I do believe they are gone.

Camille is in bed, I have been trying to put her to bed earlier. She is SO busy, it is nice to have a bit of time where I don't have to be wondering what she is into, or grabbing her out of something. Now that she can get on the kitchen table, and pull a chair to the counter, the possibilities are endless. I have been firmly telling her NO when she gets on the table, giving her a stern look, and getting her down. We don't keep anything on the tables except some flowers between meals, anyway, but when we are setting the table for a meal, she likes to get right up there. She is still a keeper, though. She loves to bring me book after book....and she actually likes to look at them. She also loves to sit with me as I look at different blogs. She likes the pictures of babies and kids. She really likes the header picture on here....she points out the kids.....and she is sweet, gives lots of kisses. She likes it when she has clothes on that make her belly accessable. She loves to pull up her shirt and pat her tummy....probably because she senses how cute we think it is. But despite her sweetness, it is nice to have some down time.

Abigail took the girls in the hot tub today. When a few of them came in, I went out and joined her. The water temperature was 98 degrees, just right for me. I can't have it hotter, because it can be dangerous when pregnant. But body temperature is fine. With the jets and bubbles on, it is so nice and relaxing. Except for the presence of one Miss Charlotte Claire, who thinks it is a small swimming pool. She stands on the seats, and jumps into the center, where it is deeper. (she wears a swim vest)....she puts her face right into the water, she doesn't stay still. She steps on our feet and splashes our faces. Sometimes she dives right onto me. All with a huge smile on her face, she just loves the water and has no fear. I finally had Abigail bring her in the house so I could sit in there alone for ten minutes and relax.

We are taking a family trip to Canada. Just a one night trip, and Paul has to work, so it is just me. But Abigail has the time off from school, so she is coming too. We are going to Gananoque, where Paul and I went last month. The next day we are bring Mali up to Ottowa, she is going to trade places with Mirielle helping a friend of ours who is having her fourth child. Then we drive home from Ottowa, hopefully having a few nice stops on the way home, for lunch, and for stretching....if the weather is nice, we may stop at a beach on the eastern shore of Lake Ontario. Beautiful sandy beaches.....

We are all packing into two hotel rooms, I hope we don't get in trouble. I am not JUST a cheapskate, there has to be a 21 year old or older in each room that is reserved, and I only have one of those to go with me. So we will fit Abigail, Joseph?(I don't know if he is going yet), Aaron, Mali, Samuel, Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, Camille, and I into two rooms. There are two queen beds in each room. We'll fit. I have Camille's little green bed to bring, and an air mattress, and a few sleeping bags. How on earth we will fit 14 of us in the 15 passenger van with all this stuff is yet to be seen. Oh, and fans! We cannot sleep without our white noise. I will be nice and take a small stroller. And I have to remember to bring swim vest/floaties for the 4 youngest ones for the pool. Yikes, it will be tight.

I am still very excited that I am pregnant. I can't believe it. One would think that it would be like, humdrum, oh, another one....but it isn't. Each one seems so miraculous. I somehow think that after each one is born, it would be too good to be true to have yet another, so when it happens, I am surprised and thankful ....and yes, I do know my biology. Anyway, I feel only slightly naseaus, so I am thinking to call the dr. tomorrow and see when I can get in to see him. I have no idea how far along I might be....which is totally opposite of how I usually am. This fog that I have been in since losing my brother has really affected my memory.

I can't even think about the house I grew up in without tearing up. I lived in that house all my life, since I was a little over a year old anyway. I moved out when I got married, but my parents stayed there....things didn't change much there, and it was my absolutely favorite destination. They lived in a nice 1950's suburban neighborhood, small low-traffic street with cape-cod style houses. About 45 minutes from here. I loved nothing better than to bring my kids there to see gramma and grampa. I can still see my mother, always ready with her purse on her arm, coming out to the van because I usually took her shopping and or to lunch when I went down there. She would come to the van, and get in and take inventory of the kids, maybe comment on someone who was skipping school to visit her....and they would all try to GRAMMA, GRAMMA her at once.....then my dad would come out and look in at the kids and sometimes who ever was the baby would cry at his gruff voice and I would feel bad for him....he would sometimes give me money for lunch or gas. And he would tell me that I shouldn't waste money driving this huge van all the way down there all the time, even though he was pleased as can be to see us. My brother Billy moved back in with my parents after living on his own for a while. He helped them tremendously. When my dad got sick, Billy stayed there to take care of him, and drive my mother to her dialysis 3 times a week, and to all the dr. visits. So a visit to my parents was also a visit with Billy. He would always make me coffee, and have some treats for the kids. He could cook some wonderful dishes, too. Yes, he took very good care of my parents. After my mother died, my father was consumed with grief and lonliness, and was scared of germs beyond reason, because of his leukemia. He only wanted Billy to make his coffee, Billy to be near him. And Billy would give me that look of amusement, but never let on to my father anything but respect and goodness. My father got more and more obsessive about handwashing, germs, how his medicines were arranged. It was all he could control about his life. And Billy just went along with him....just took care of him. Billy was there alone with him the Saturday morning my dad woke up feeling strange, then had the stroke. Billy said the last conscious things my dad said were for the paramedics to not mess up his medications all set up on the coffee table. Billy told us that a few times with that respectful amusement, but immense sadness. Billy had certainly been through a lot. It seems like with him gone, I have lost the last contact, the closest contact to my parents. Billy always would tell things that I didn't know about their last years. It was like having a connection to my parents to spend time with Billy. I know I have a husband and a family, but sometimes I just feel so lost. Even though I am grown up. A huge part of my life, one of the most special parts, is gone.

I am sorry....just writing things out.....I know dying is a part of life...but why does it have to hurt so much?

8 in the hot tub

Is this the face only a mother could love? The face of a child who gets into everything that's not nailed down? She has a cold, which makes her cry at the drop of a pin, or should I say the pinch of a sister. (How could her sister pinch her??) Camille is growing up, though........she knows what she wants and what she doesn't want. Charlotte Claire.....she will be three years old in 2 months. She found Sonja's old party dress.....

We went in the hot tub tonight. 6 of the kids, their cousin, and me. They went out to check and see how hot it was, and they thought it said 97....well, it was getting late, and I thought that would be okay. Except when we got out there, it was 93 degrees. Okay, it didn't actually feel cold, but not too warm, either. But it was alot of fun, and we sang some songs to the animals in the woods.....we came and they went right to bed. I am hoping it relaxed them enough that they go right to sleep. There are 6 of them in the one room........partytime.

We got them all tucked in, Paul and I, and had like 5 minutes of quiet, and the older girls came in....such is life here.

I cooked the steak on the grill. It hit the spot. I only had a little bit, though, and put it away in the 'fridge for tomorrow......

sunny and warm....

These kids have been outside all day. Charlotte Claire and Camille are taking their naps now. Being out in the sunshine is tiring. Now they're attempting a game of LIFE. In the middle they decided to have an ice-cream/cookie break, which I am not supervising. I hear alot of laughing, and Kathryn saying, "Guys, no more..."The older girls (Besides Emily, of course, who is in Denmark this weekend, and Mirielle who is in Ottowa) went to the beach with a bunch of other girls. It is much too cold to swim in Lake Ontario, but I am sure it is good tanning weather. They probably are playing volleyball, too. The boys have a boys weekend, Aaron isn't there yet. He had the honor of being in the All-County music festival, playing drums. And oops, I totally FORGOT to go to the concert. At least my brain started up again in time for Paul to go pick him up....but I actually totally forgot to go to the concert, which I fully intended to do. I just got into my groove today, la-la-la-la-la, and oops. It was 2:00, the time it started. I told Paul we could just tell him we loved it, he would never know....poor boy. So, Paul is picking him up right now. Benjamin is working on a car out in the driveway.....and here I sit.

I got up this morning and made omelets with white onion, red and green peppers, ham, cheese, and sausage. mmm. And some plain eggs for the pickier children. I don't have morning sickness very badly yet, just a just a low-key background yucky feeling. And a craving for good food. I go out and look in the 'fridge, and just close it again. I want something good! I should have made an extra omelet.

The pork is simmering in the crockpot. I added some barbecue sauce. It still doesn't appeal to me. I took three steaks out of the freezer. Could I possibly be so wasteful as to cook steak on the grill while the crockpot is full of barbecued pork?

Well, the guy is going to ship the Bebecar stroller I bought on ebay. It was only $24.99! He is charging $25 to ship it, which is how much it would cost to drive there and back. It isn't my dream pram, I haven't found that yet, but it certainly is worth the price. I cannot wait until it gets here, so I can clean it up and play with it. I did need another one, didn't I? Let me tell you, it was lots of fun trying to explain to Paul how I came to buy another one. If you aren't pram-crazy, it is pretty hard to understand. I told him that for $24.99, I couldn't pass it up. I was so newly excited about being pregnant.....When I get it all spiffy, I'll post a picture.

We are going to paint our living room soon. Now I have to pick out a paint color. It is a blue right now, that I don't care for. With red furniture, it is hard to find a color that blends. The kitchen is a yellowy color, English Ivory. I was thinking to paint it that color in here too.

I think I am going to take a bit of a rest....but first, there are towels needing to go in the dryer.

lazy day....

Well, the pulled pork didn't work - I decided to cool it, refridgerate it, and work on it tomorrow. So we had sandwiches, orange slices, grapes, and doritos, picnic style in the livingroom. As soon as they finished, I vacummed up the crumbs. It was a break, for sure. As long as Camille is contained in her highchair, they are okay. When she is ready to get down, we have to clean up fast.

Jonathan, Sonja, Charlotte Claire, and Suzanne....

friday.....

As Evelyn says, it is the first Friday with our new floor. And the 8th day of knowing I am pregnant. It's funny, because there is the niggling reality in my mind about pregnancy, the fatigue, the aches, swelling, headaches where I would give my baby finger for an ibuprofen, but can't because of the baby....and of course when the baby is sixteen months old like Camille, there is a sort of freedom that creeps in. She gets big enough to leave for a trip to the store. Then for an overnight. then a weekend. She can be put to bed by anyone now, not just me. Then to be giving that up, again....but all those are just the reality thoughts.....I don't dwell on them, true or not. Of course there is suffering that comes with each new baby, from the moment I find out I am expecting. The desperate wanting it to be okay. The checking each time I wipe, relief there is no spotting. The anxiety that comes small thoughts and sometimes overwhelming crashes. But the joy! The sheer joy of knowing we are getting a newborn baby. That overshadows the sufferings by a mile.

How do kids know to take the cookie apart and eat the cream? Camille tried to give me the two sides, and get another one......is it inborn, from long before cookies were invented?

And how do they learn the concept of "no" from their point of view long before my point of view? Example: last night, when Camille awakened for the ?th time, I held her and rocked her and tried to put her back into her new green bed. She scrambled to her knees and said, "NO"....so I picked her back up. At one point I thought she wanted to nurse, and she said, "NO", as she pushed me away. But when she gets her chubby little self up on the kitchen table, and I say, "NO", she just looks at me like I am crazy.

I made up a song today, called" I'm Not Gonna Throw Her In The Garbage Can"

She gets in the drawers,
throws stuff on the floors,
she climbs on the table,
whenever she is able,

But I'm not gonna throw her in the garbage can,
No, I'm not gonnna throw her in the garbage can,
Not gonna throw her in the garbage can....

She empties the books,
Gives the suprised looks,
dumps out the crackers,
she's the messiest of snackers BUT

I'm not gonna throw her in the garbage can....

Sing it to any tune you like, at least while you cuddle and sing the offender, they are not doing messy things. Camille just melts when I sing. She doesn't seem to realize that I sing so badly I can hardly stand it myself.

Well, in the crockpot for today's dinner: a pork roast. It isn't quite falling apart yet to be pulled pork, but I hope it hurries up about it. Dinner is in an hour. I cut the fat off it, and cut it up. I need to drain it, shred it a bit, and add some barbeque sauce. The thing is, when I am pregnant and starting to feel sick, meat is my arch enemy. Preparing it, seeing it, smelling it....unless someone else cooks it and I sit down to eat it, which just doesn't seem to be happening around here lately.....Emily used to cook dinner sometimes. And sometimes Mirielle, but she left today for a two week trip to Ottowa.

Joseph, Aaron, and Sam are going away for the weekend for a boys weekend. The older girls are doing some things with the youth girls tomorrow. So we might have only Kathryn on down for dinner. (six girls and Jon)....I have three steaks in the refridgerator, this might be a good chance to have them.....

Well, I have things to do....

Oh, but I wanted to say something that I have said before. I think this is very important. Alot of people comment and say things like, "I only have -- kids, and it is hard....", or different variations of that. My life is not like 16 times harder, or twice as hard, or 4 times as hard as someone else's. No way. When the kids are at school, and I am home with the little ones, I home with only three. And it is busy, and crazy. When you have kids, it is just like that. When they are all here, it sometimes seems like the youngest couple are still the ones who keep us hopping. Yes, it is busy, and noisy sometimes, and a lot of work just because of the sheer numbers, but that doesn't mean my life is harder than yours. Everyone has their trials. I believe that whatever your situation, if you seek God, you will see that He causes all things to work for your good.

See how I ramble when I know I have to get moving and do some work? I am probably just subconsciously avoiding shredding that meat...yuck.

grocery shopping when tired.....

I really needed to go to the store. Not just the store close by, but my favorite store that is 40 minutes away. I was tired today. I took a medium sized nap, woke up, took just Kathryn, 11, and Jonathan with me. We did go to Target first, but didn't get much....just looked around at the bargains. I did get Charlotte Claire and Camille matching bathings suits for $6.99. Then we went to PriceChopper. They had sirloin tip steak on sale for $1.99 a pound. And grapes for 98 cents a pound. I bought oranges, bananas, peppers, onions, bread, milk, juice, cereal, detergent, peanut butter, eggs, chocolate milk, butter, tortilla chips....and some non-hot toothpaste for Jon, which Charlotte Claire found.....how exciting. Mali and her chinchilla, Chinchy. Chinchy is very friendly, and I missed the shots of Charlotte Claire and Camille giving her kisses. When you put your face near her, she sniffs you, and it is so cute. She eats popcorn with her little hands like a squirrel. She is low maintenance (unless she gets loose, she is much faster than me), and quite entertaining. And very soft.

So I did not feel like going out shopping today. It was a rainy chilly afternoon, and I woke up from my nap, while Camille slept on. I just wanted to stay snuggled in and sleep some more, after the past few nights of sleep starvation. But, Mirielle is leaving tomorrow for two weeks, and I had to use her car, as the big white van needs service. So if I didn't go today, I would have to wait until Saturday, and driving down there in the busyness on a Saturday is no fun. So, I went. I kept telling Kathryn that we needed to remember to have fun. To make the most of the time. I did stop for a hot coffe at my favorite coffee shop, which I am not getting paid to mention, DunkinDonuts. And they just happen to have donuts on special this week, $4.99 a dozen....Kathryn and Jon were ever grateful.......

After we were all done shopping and loaded into the car, it was after 7pm and we hadn't had dinner. I didn't even think about it as I loaded the car, I could have left out some sandwich stuff...but it was pouring rain, so we decided to go to where they were loudly hinting to go.....McDonalds. Dollar menu double cheeseburger each, and 2 large fries for $3...which I ate only like 10 or 12 of. It was hard. But they are so bad for you. I usually don't buy them. But when you are hungry, and driving down the road in the rain, yum, fries....I told Kap, don't let me have any more. And I had them save some for the kids at home, because they only need a few, too.

Suzanne has been so nice to have around the last few days. It has been so nice, I told her she can just stay home tomorrow, too. Her face is still a bit puffy, but she has no fever. But what the heck, it is so nice to have her home, and she gets such good grades, I want to hog her for another day. That is my balance, I don't know if I can manage to homeschool them, so I let them stay home frequently. Anyway, when I got home with the groceries, Suzanne was my number one helper putting things away. She is very efficient.

Kathryn was an excellent shopping companion. She is quick, and sure of herself. She does what she can to help, and remembers to remind me of things. We went without a list, so she was very valuable to my sleepy brain.

I couldn't help myself today: I bragged. Sort of. The cashier was commenting on the 10 packages of hair pony-holders and headbands I was buying (50 cents each), and said she loses them like crazy, but she does have a sister to share with. I told her I have eleven daughters.....she was speechless. It was kind of fun. Then she asked if I have any boys, and when I said, yes, five, she just looked at me. It had happened: I had grown horns. I was crazy. Wow. Wow. , she said. She asked then, "Any more?".....and I had to do it, I just had to, I patted my tummy, and told her we were expecting number 17. May as well be all the way around the bend.......then the lady who was bagging our groceries, who happens to be a manager who I have sort of know for years said, "Well, at least you take good care of your kids....and they are so well behaved....we see so many mothers in here swearing at their kids, yelling at them.....".....hmm.

It's funny how I turned from a customer to a crazy woman in just a few statements. Is it my imagination, or do people really start to think I am different when they find out how many kids we have? I don't always have them all with me, so I just look like a regular lady. And I am just a regular lady. A regular lady who has to buy alot more food than other people. Sometimes I have to tell the cashiers how many people are in the family just so they don't think I am a huge pig.

Well, I am beat. I am going to bed now, even though some good basketball is still on. MarchMadness. I don't care too much for football, but basketball is fun to watch.

dreary day

Suzanne Eleanor...the poor girl has had three teeth pulled in the last two days. She is apparently "dentally advanced" for her age of eight years old, and the adult teeth were already coming in, so it isn't as bad as it sounds. But not fun for her. So, she got a prize from Mommy. A dress from Kohl's, $56 marked down to $5.60. (90% off is my favorite sale).... Her face is still pretty swollen, but her fever has gone away. She got to stay home today so I could keep an eye on her and make sure she was okay.
Jonathan is so proud of himself. The tv remote has been missing for a while, and I was surprised it didn't turn up when we did the flooring, considering we removed everything except the big furniture from the room. I wondered just now if it was down in the couch cushions, and Jon checked for me. Camille actually found it. They think it is very important that they found it. They only watch public television with no commercials anyway, but tonight when we watch American Idol it will come in handy. We mute commercials. Most of the time, anyway. They just blare. And, we talk during the commercials. Without the remote, someone had to jump up for each commercial. We don't watch too much television, it is sort of obnoxious....and the commercials are so inappropriate for kids. Some of them even embarrass me.

Yes, I am excited to get to "dust off my prams"....I am really thrilled about that. In fact, I did just buy another one....yes, that is correct. I could not pass it up. Simply couldn't. Because it was only $24.99 for a Bebecar pram. And, it was located right near where I was going to take Aaron for his post-op check, as he needs to get back to gym class. Apparently he would rather play gym than write the five page reports required for those out on a medical excuse. Anyway, he went back to gym, without the note from the doctor, and they have not asked for a note. So why drive 250 miles for nothing? So, now I bought this stroller. I told the guy I could pick it up. And now, I am not driving all that way for a stroller. (Paul would NOT understand)....so, I have emailed him and asked him about shipping it to me. I figure even if it cost $50, it would be better than driving for like five hours......

Mali and I have an idea though, we want to sell a few on them to make some money for the kids' activity clubs. It is amazing how it works, the youth kids, usually 15 and older, run the kids' groups. They are loosely supervised by some adults, but they do most of the stuff themselves. It is how they spend their Friday nights. They really like it, and enjoy the children. But money is always an issue. They would like to do more with the kids, but need to do some fundraising. So Mali and I are going to sell a few of my strollers and give the money to the kids. When I get them out and dusted off and shined up, I'll post some pictures. Maybe someone who reads this would like a pram.....

Well, Camille wants some cuddling. Since I do not want to complain, Iwill not mention how she was up eight times (each time with either nursing or just some cuddling) by 3am. Or how I just brought her to the livingroom and rocked her for a while. Or how she woke up 3 more times from 4am to 7:30 am. Or how fussy she is today. Because I truly love her. She is sweet and funny....she wants the cushions off the couch again...that was FUN! But I will mention this: I want a nap!!! So badly I can taste it! But guess what? I need groceries....hmm.

suzanne's tooth, fussy feverish camille

This is Camille the other night, just happy as usual....

But now, she is sick. She has a fever. I slept last night from about 5:30 am to 7:30,and I truly wouldn't have gotten up to send the girls to school if she hadn't woken up again. I gave her some Tylenol, and of course that made her hyper for some reason, she just wouldn't sleep.
And here is Suzanne. She had a toothache Monday, so I added her to an appointment I had for Mali on Tuesday. This is how swollen her cheek got. Her LEFT cheek. I took her in, the dentist pulled a tooth that has been giving her trouble, on the RIGHT side. What?? I didn't realize until last evening that the tooth he pulled was on the wrong side. So, back we went today. He said the tooth he pulled was swollen and infected, but not nearly like this side was, where she actually had two teeth pulled. Baby teeth. We had our wires crossed, and since I don't know my right from my left, so he probably asked me which one was bothering her, and I said the wrong one. I don't know. All I know, is she has a pretty bad infection going on....I am truly thankful to God for antibiotics.

While taking trips to the dentist, I have stopped twice to get things ironed out for Mali's passport. She is going to Norway this summer with Mirielle. Paul needs to go in and sign, so everything is done except for that. Then, we remembered that we are going to Canada, as she is helping some friends who are expecting a baby in Ottowa. She needs the passport to get in. Rats. Another monkey wrench in the monkey wrench pile, as my sister Cheryl likes to say.

I went to the drugstore in a nice little town yesterday to get Suzanne's prescription filled. Of course while I was waiting for it, I do what I do best: I scouted around for bargains. I found some. The cashier who rang up the medicine and my other stuff got pretty agitated (not at me) because nothing was ringing up right. I had 4 packages of gum (so my teenagers will love me) that was $3 a package, buy one get one free. It didn't come up right, so I said to just take it off, I didn't need it. She took it off. Only $6 or so came off the bill. It was a mess. A different cashier offered to take all my stuff to a different register and re-ring it....No thanks, I said, I'll just pay whatever, I need to go. (Mali was in the van waiting with Suzanne).....so the girl swiped her giftcard, and told me to nevermind, it was on her. It was like $20 worth of stuff. I thought that was just so nice of her, but I was a bit embarrassed.

Tonight we are not having dinner. I quit. I am too tired. Ha. But it did make me laugh just to type it. I am still trying to figure out what to have. One un-named teenager was supposed to put two chickens into the oven at three-thirty, but she forgot. When Iwalked in the door and didn't smell chicken, I figured that out. So, what shall we do? Not cereal. French Toast? I am such a good mother! Oh well.

Camille is miserable, and no one wants her anymore.......I don't blame them, she is a fuss. But a cute little fuss in fuzzy yellow jammies....

cold monday

The living room looks much better now, than with the old blue carpet. This is my new corner, my comfy chair....

The treadmill is still in the kitchen, it will go behind this chair, in the computer/keyboard/sewing side of the room.

Here is a random shot of the new floor...all decorated with toys...yes, the room looks nice, but the kids still get to play in here. When it rains it pours...vehicle trouble. Mirielle's car is in the shop for a steering problem, and Abigail and I drove to town tonight and dropped off the big white van for the clunking problem. So, tomorrow I have to drive Paul to work so I can take Mali and Suzanne to the dentist. I also need to take Mali to get her passport, as Mirielle is so nicely taking her to Norway and France this summer. Since Mali is only 15, the law states that both mom and dad have a notorized copy of permission for the passport. They want dad to come with mom, but dad HAS to work, so they will let us get a paper for him to have notorized. Time, money, red tape. Government.

It is so cold out again here in the Northeast. Bitterly cold. At least that is how it seems after that nice weather last week. And of course in the middle of putting in the new floor, the furnace broke again. Thankfully we have the woodburner/oil furnace, so the wood fire kept us warm. My sister Cheryl's husband came over and looked at, and got us a part, which Paul was able to install today. Then he measured the hot tub and ordered a new cover. The old one is waterlogged.....we never attached the straps that tied the cover down, so we used the next best thing: rocks and bricks. Not smart. This time we'll do better.

Hot tub.....oh, hot tub. I can only go in the hot tub is the temperature is relatively cool, like body temp. No 102 or 103 lovely soaks during pregnancy. Rats. That is the absolutely only thing I can think of that I am not thrilled with about having another baby. Like I said yesterday, I don't like nausea either, but at least it is a good measure that things are going well. When I had my first miscarriage, over 20 years ago, I was twelve weeks along for my third child when I really noticed how I felt wonderful. Just great. Then I started bleeding....oh, that was a rough one. But, I had Benjamin Paul exactly one year later. I didn't miscarry again all through the years until after Jonathan was born, before I had Charlotte. I had three miscarriages in a row, not too far along pregnancies, but it was a tough time. Then I had Charlotte Claire, a very uneventful and normal pregnancy....then, I thought Camille was a miscarriage for months, because I had bled, and cramped, ect.....and she was fine all along. Anxiety wants to plague me. But I will not let it. Is a spririt. In Timothy it is written that God has not given us a spirit of fear. So: fear is not from God. And, fear is a spirit. So, why would I want to let a spirit that is not of God have power in my life? Each time I am tempted, I say NO. The thoughts come, the worry tries to edge in, and I say NO. That is the fight we are called to fight, the good fight of faith. It brings peace and rest.

So, thank you everyone for the nice comments and the prayers and well wishes. It seems so absolutely crazy, though, doesn't it? Seventeen kids? Even I am sort of dumbfounded. I am not a capable person, God has given so much grace. I am not in great shape, to say the very least, but my blood pressure and sugars have been fine during pregnancy. All I can say is that I am blessed, and it has nothing to do with me, but God who will be glorified.

Tonight after dinner I had an idea. I talked to the kids (Paul had to go work on the furnace) about not returning evil for evil. Everyone knows that is wrong. When a person does something evil or bad to me, and I return it, I am serving the devil. It doesn't matter in the least that they did something to me. If I bless in return, then I overcome evil. The devil has no power then. I asked the kids what they thought would happen if each and everyone of us in this house practiced this all day everyday. Evelyn decided it would be peaceful. We all agreed we would like that. I told them I would much rather see them make decisions to be good and faithful on their own. Then it is a blessing to me, I don't have to discipline. Just guide and encourage. Now, the whole time i was talking to them, I had a huge 290 count bag of LaffyTaffy/Nerds/ect assortment on my lap. I told them to listen carefully, I would be asking questions later....boy, they listened....

I am just a happy person right now, even more than usual. Like a hundred times a day, I think, I am going to have another baby! A little newborn! And it is wonderful. I also have to admit that I am sad/mad that Billy isn't here for the news. And my parents. Oh my gosh, my mother would tell a stranger on the street about me and all of my kids. It was her joy in life, to brag about her grandchildren, not just mine, but my brother's dozen, my other brother's ten, my sister's seven, my other brother's two, my other brother's one.....if my math is right ha this will make 49 grandchildren for my late parents. Unless we get twins, that would make fifty! I am the only one left having babies, and this is probably the last one....I mean, I will be 44 when it/he/she is born.

Rambling a little. Oh well. I have had a busy day, and this is how I relax. Oh, don't let me fool anyone, I had a very nice nap today. Very nice. But other than that I was busy.

19 under one roof?

I was wondering if I should have changed the name of my blog, since Emily Anne is gone for a year....but.....it will all even up at Thanksgiving, if all goes well. Yes, we are expecting a new baby! At least that is what I deduced from the four positive pregnancy tests I took. See, I had sort of lost track of things lately, with Billy dying....I have felt foggy-minded, even more than usual. Then the other day I was in Wal-mart, dawdling around with the kids while the big white van got an oil change, and I remembered I needed some powder. (Shower to Shower isn't paying me to say that I am addicted)....Joseph was with me, so I asked him to take the kids though the toy department while I went and got a few things. It wasn't until I was walking blissfully away with only Miss Camille sitting very nicely in the cart that I realized that I had no idea if I was over, under, or what.....so I picked up a two pack of Answer Early (they aren't paying me either, but they should.).....I got the bright idea, after all these years, to pay for them in the pharmacy department, instead of stragegically packing them in the cart so no one will see them....and trying to get them through the checkout line with without one of the older kids, or at least one who knows how to read, looking at me with questioning eyes....(One time, several years ago, when I had 10 or 11 kids, I bought an E.P.T. at Walmart. The cashier didn't drag it over the desensitizing thing at the checkout, so it beeped when I was leaving, with all the kids with me. The door lady came over and started rummaging through my bags to see what was making the alarm go off. When she came across the test that I had so craftily concealed, she held it up for the entire world, at least the entire world that was in Walmart, and yelled, "It's a pregnancy test!"....Furious? Shocked? Stunned? There I was, with all the kids around me....now I think it's hilarious.....but then, I was not tickled. Anyway, I didn't even think about the tests again until I was almost home....I took the first one: very light line. I was surprised, no, really REALLY surprised. But was the line pink, or was it just the line that I was seeing and wasn't supposed to? I called my sister, and we thought hmm, maybe....I was going to wait until morning to take the other one, ha, I couldn't wait. A few hours later, I took the other one. This time it was definetely a pink line. But light. Then, before I told anyone, I for some reason went on the website called, "peeonastick.com", and found out that the Answer EarlyResults tests had had the problem of being false positive. Great. So, I took a little trip to the neighborhood Kinney drugstore that evening, and bought a two-pack of digital, AND a two pack of FactPlus (andthey aren't paying me either).....I did the digital first. Flash, flash, flash, flash, PREGNANT

And, just for the fun of it, I took a FactPlus in the morning, and it was positive immediately, with a very dark blue line.

So, I don't know when I am due, but probably around Thanksgiving, give or take. Which makes sense. If I could accurately describe what I am feeling about this, I would say: Too good to be true. A gift. Something more than I had hoped to happen. Mixed in with temptations to be anxious and worried about spotting, bleeding, losing it. Then come the twinges of nausea, which I welcome...not because I like to be naseaus, but because it means things are going well. And, this explains why I have been so tired lately. One of my observations has been that pregnancy in one's forties is much more tiring than in one's thirties or twenties. Well, late thirties there was a difference already, too. Anyway, afternoon naps, here I come....

So, I am praying fervantly that God will bless my body, and bless this new tiny baby. I know when women get older, the miscarriage rate goes up, and the complications abound, but I have trusted God for sending the babies, now it is in His hands. But it doesn't hurt to ask....more like beg...Please, dear heavenly Father....please bless this baby....

I did tell the kids. First, on Friday night, I told the older ones. Mali, 15, seemed the most excited. She ran across the room and hugged me. Joseph was happy to hear it, so were the rest....on Saturday, I decided to tell Kathryn. Well, she said, how do you know. I told her briefly how a test works. But, she asked, how did you know to take a test?......she is growing up. Today I was shopping with Evelyn and Sonja, and I told them it would be nice to have a baby. Sonja thought we were going to adopt one, because we have been talking about that. She was a little disapointed that we are getting one the usual way. Evelyn was impressed. Jon: he asked WHERE are we going to get the new baby from? From Tonje? (she is a friend of ours who is expecting her first)......Then I realized tonight that I hadn't told Suzanne. She was thrilled. Yes, it is amazing to bring home a baby to a house full of kids, little ones who are fascinated, and older ones who just melt. (and melt me, when I see them with the baby)....

It is quiet here, but I had better get to bed. I didn't any rest today, between grocery shopping and getting the living room back in order. I don't want to be sorry in the morning.

happy birthday, kathryn grace

Kathryn Grace is turning eleven years old tomorrow. She is such a good girl. She isn't feeling very well today, but we wanted to celebrate her birthday while everyone was here. Since the house was so "under consruction", I went to a few stores after church this afternoon, and bought her a cake. B.J.s ....only $9.99. It is supposed to serve 26, all I can say to that is HA. It was pretty good. The motley assortment of candles we found in the drawers gave it a Seuss-like appearance....

Charlotte Claire loves the birthday song, and the candles...

Yes, happy birthday, Kathryn. Or Kap, as she is called...or Kappy, or Kappy Sue, even though her middle name is Grace.

Well, I sort of want my carpet back. It is loud in here with this new floor! And the kids love it. They can run and slide.....it just seems to echo.

I am so glad we (Paul) finally did this, though. We removed all the books from the bookcases, and threw away so many junky ones...and sorted through the movies. They are nice and organized, in pretty baskets instead of in empty diaper boxes. Maybe tomorrow I'll take some pictures. It looks much nicer in here.

Camille the crazy is still up....I need to get her to bed.....

almost done....

what a day it's been. It is after eleven, and the floor is almost done. The kids have beeen helping all day. Tearing up the old carpet was tough. I made a trip to town to borrow my brother's saw, then three trips to the city. Yes, three. I went for 12 more boxes of flooring. I took Samuel, who did not want to go with me. I sort of bribed him by stopping at Arby's and getting him a Roast Beef sandwich, and me a coffee....after that, and a little encouragement about being nicer to mom when she needs help, he was a lot better. I found out the reason he was so against going with me: he and Joseph had just borrowed a great video game...anyway, I got Handhewn Hickory instead of Hawthorne Hickory. Oops. I drove back, 15 miles, and exchanged it. Actually 16 year old Aaron with his permit drove back. Then home again.....then, we decide we really need a dustmop, and I decide to get some baskets for the videos, dvds, and bins for the extra fabric we have, so to town again. This time, Aaron drives again, and Mali goes with us. We have just too much fun. Here are Kathryn, Suzanne, and Paul.... Evelyn......

The floor is finished except for one strip near the wall. The kids thought it was great fun to slide on. Suze put Jonathan on a blanket, and was dragging him around, fun until he hit his head on the corner of the wall....

Margaret 12, and Evelyn 9, were the pizza makers tonight. I pretty much let them do it all. I have trouble being medium-ly helpful, if I start in, I tend to overmanage. So, I just let them do it. They had a few questions, but they did it all themselves. Suzanne even made one. Hers had pepperoni all around the edge, and some in the middle. Margaret made a hot-wing specialty, where she added chopped chicken nuggets to a hotsauce/butter mixture, and topped it with cheese and bacon. It was superb. There was a garlic/butter/cheese pizza that was so garlicky, I don't even like myself right now. Then a black olive, bacon, green pepper, pepperoni, sauce,cheese....pretty good. The kitchen is still full of stuff that belongs in the living room, so the kids ate at the coffee table in the livingroom, except for Camille, who sat in her high chair.

I made a quick stop into the dollar store (RealDeals) this afternoon with Mali and Aaron. I told them to pick me out a pair of sunglasses. I do not have big expectations about sunglasses, I usually buy the first pair I try on. And I usually don't pay more than a buck for them. But I usually try them on myself. I could hear them laughing from across the store. They didn't do too badly. I bought 12 more of the 9ounce broken British chocolate eggs, 2/$1.....108 ounces of chocolate for six dollars. Less than a dollar a pound.

Well, the floor is mostly done now, except for the finishing up where the living room and the kitchen meet. Now I have the fun job of putting everything back. And I don't want anything back . I want to throw everything out and just leave it clean and empty. But the treadmill can't stay in the kitchen.

Mirielle is getting a little bit better. She is still pretty sick, but she can eat a bit more. She can't stop coughing, but it isn't a chesty cough, just a throaty cough. If she is still feeling awful on Monday, I will call the dr. just in case it has gone into something more than the flu. I have heard Kathryn cough a few times like Mirielle, and I think, uh-ho! But Mali wasn't as sick as Mirielle.....so maybe no one else will be, either.

Charlotte Claire and Camille played together in Charlotte Claire's crib for a while after we got home from activity club tonight. Camille wanted out, but we had to get a picture of them in their new jammies....Like all the doll strollers/prams stacked behind the crib? I do. I just wish I had a whole big room to put them in.... I drove the big white van to activity club tonight, because Mariel is still very sick, and Paul wanted to start the floor. Apparently the most time consuming part so far has been the carpet removal. He only took up about a third, maybe only a fourth....there were the carpet tacks to deal with....all of the furniture is crammed together on the rest of the carpet. I stopped and got some pizza slices on the way home tonight, and sat in the kitchen with the kids and talked with them.....then Abigail helped me tuck them in to bed. Now just Paul and I, Aaron and Abigail and Mali and Mirielle up....3 of us are on computers, Abigail reading her book, and Paul ilnstalling floor pieces. He already broke a chunk off a piece, and commented that the couch will be there anyway....always and forever, I asked? He is going to glue it back on.

I want to help him, but it sort of a one person job.

Two weeks have passed since my brother died. Sleeplessness has plagued me. Even when Camille is sleeping, I have trouble. After I had Robert, (he was my 14th child, (when I say I have 16 kids, in my mind I know I have 17) stillborn at 6 months), it was June, I somehow survived Emily's high school graduation, and school was out for the summer....I slept most of the day, and stayed up half the night, watching baseball of all things. I couldn't get enough of the Yankees that summer. I haven't cared much for it before or since, but that is how I grieved. It only lasted a few weeks, and I slowly went back to normal, although normal is different forever now. I will always start to cry when I think of him....

Anyway, after this shocking loss of my brother, I haven't had the "luxury" of shutting out the world and dealing. No, I have had to do all the normal stuff, while feeling so out of it. But the kids are comforting. The little ones have so much affection to give. And talking to my family helps, siblings too. The school has been wonderful. They had a fundraiser, and presented the family a check, which we donated to the playground fund....there have been a few kids here and there with rude comments, but kids often don't think about the things they say.

Margaret, Joseph, and Sam are home now. Benjamin is home tonight, he is sick too. I hope we all don't get it....I a concerned about Mirielle. She has been drinking, and eating very lightly, mostly just sleeping and lying around....

Well, tomorrow will be a painful day, as far as taking care of all the kids with this big project going on....maybe I'll take them somewhere for the day.

preparing for the flooring....

and it ain't pretty. In fact, it is pretty awful so far....today I moved all the furniture, picked up hair clips and ponytail holders, pens, pennies, Barbie shoes, and crayons. I vacuumed up the popcorn and dust. I went through all the bags of fabric in the corner, previously my sewing table, before the keyboard took over. I cleaned up and sorted and got things ready to move out when the kids get home to help me carry stuff. Oh, the bus is here right now. I need to catch them before they get involved in other things...

what a day....

I decided to finally get the oil changed on the van, since it was like 2000 miles over the recomended time...so, to Wal-mart we went. "We" consisting of Joseph, who needed sneakers (a 17 year old kid who doesn't mind Walmart sneakers is a keeper), Margaret, Kathryn, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, Camille, and I. We also got the normal Walmart things like bananas, milk, bread....a few things off the $3 rack for Jon to wear to kindergarten...and various other things we didn't know we neeed.....afterwards I took them to McDonalds, again! Kathryn, Charlotte Claire, and Camille....

Kathryn Grace with Camille....down the slide...

She likes to climb up onto chairs when she is bye-bye, too.

Charlotte Claire and Kathryn


Brat in a drawer...

Brat in a box....

Yeah, so we went out and about again today. Jon said we needed to buy something that started with the letter "s", and I had to guess what it was....I finally gave up, and good thing, too, because I don't think I every would have guessed "C" batteries....

We are starting to move things out of the livingroom so we can start on the floor tomorrow. Mirielle is very sick with what I think is the flu. She started out with a tickly cough, and now has a fever of almost 104. Mali had it this week, too, but her fever wasn't quite as high. The three youngest kids had their flu shots. I wish we all had gotten them.

no staying home today

Well, Paul came home with a nice present for us yesterday......flooring for the livingroom...

This isn't enough for the whole floor, but there are lots of Lowe's around, and lots more flooring there. It is laminate, but it looks so much like wood, it is hard to tell....the grooves/contours match with the imprinted grain, making it seem real....it will wear much better for us than real wood, we think....
Aaron took this picture after Camille made me put away my computer last night....(which Aaron ended up with)

Here is Mr. Aaron....

Jonathan likes his cuddles still....

Snuggly....
Kathryn Grace, just relaxing....

I am glad I got to stay home both Monday and Tuesday. I did send Mirielle to the grocery store Monday, for some milk, bread, bananas, oranges, apples, and burger....

Today, I have to take 2 girls to the dentist. So of course because I am so nice, I am taking 4 girls with me.....when they hear of their sisters getting picked up, the begging starts. So fine, if Sonja and Suzanne want to be picked up an hour early and sit in the dentist waiting room with me, fine. I enjoy their company. And it does save them from a long boring bus ride. Rides in our big white van are never long and boring.

Mirielle has so graciously agreed to hold down the fort this afternoon, meaning I can leave Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille here....Jon doesn't nap anymore, but the girls will be in bed anyway.....no fun dragging busy little girls to the dentist office during naptime. Especially now that the dentist has that nice new water dispenser that makes the kids all thirsty.....

So, even though I would rather stay home, I am excited about going bye-bye with Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, and Sonja. They are 10 (almost 11), 9, 8, and almost 7 now....my little girls, all growing up. They have so much fun together, but they also fight like cats. They have enjoyed the nice weather, because outside they can do gymnastics, which is the thing here right now. Believe me, when they do cartwheels in this living room, it is not fun. Feet have come down on toys and kids.

Now that we have some of the flooring, the work begins....we have to clear out the living room....ugh. Mirielle and I have a "sewing table", which now is home to the keyboard....and we haven't sewn in ages....so, the keyboard is going to Mirielle's room...and we re-sort all of our sewing stuff, which is needed anyway. Mirielle is going to make some dresses for spring.......I won't tell whether or not she is making them out of a really nice sheet set we got at Target for 75% off, because I wouldn't want to embarrass her. But I will get some pictures when she starts. Anyways, it has to all be cleaned up and packed up....we will obviously be ripping up the carpet and putting down the flooring one section at a time...so our nice lovely peaceful quiet lives will be temporarily crazy....ha.

Camille wants me....

another beautiful day....

Evelyn Joy......she has some nice freckles, too....and her hair definetly has a reddish tint to it...strawberry blonde? She was nice enough to volunteer to come with me on my walk today. (three days in a row! and: it was a little easier today!!!).....she is almost as entertaining as Sam.
Camille Anaya climbing the stairs.....ugh, can she not just stay still?

Look at her....my baby!

Camille after her bath last night....all cuddly and sweet...and look at that hair!

We are watching American Idol.....we like Adam, he's talented, but too much makeup....and Allison is good too.

Today was gorgeous.....I brought the kids outside, and Mirielle joined me after her classes, Mali, who is feeling better now, joined us too. I actually got some nice color today....I love to sit in the sun.....and Benjamin came out....it was pleasant. I am never lonely.

We had burgers cooked on the grill for dinner. I asked Joseph to make them as I left for my walk, and was pleasantly surprised (okay, shocked) when I came back and he was out there cooking them.

Camille wants me to put this away, this computer, so she can get on my lap....

promising day...

It is supposed to be around 60 degrees today, and sunny. I sent the little girls to school with socks, no tights. I am glad I am so optimistic about it.....because if I really think too hard about how my day will go, if I be an "old", or "mature" person, I will realize that it will still be a busy, and probably for the most part, a difficult day. But thanks be to God that I am not old or mature yet!!! I am excited for the warmth and sunshine. Yesterday, I was way too busy. And I still didn't get everything I wanted to do done. But so what? There runs a stream of discontentment in me....that just hums along, always wanting either a break, or to accomplish something.......I need to really fight against that. To learn contentment. And in everything, learn patience and gentleness. Is a clean floor worth snapping at the kids for? Sadly, yes. But that just goes to show how my heart needs to be softened so much more. Yes, I hate the mud that this time of year brings in. I tell them to stomp their feet on the deck, and wipe their shoes on the mat, and remove them inside the door. And I tell them again. And again. And I clean up dirt, and mud. Now, where is the problem here? If you guessed my attitude, you are right!!!! I need to not grow weary of doing good. I need to endure to the end. I need to keep doing my job, and keep loving my kids. At the same time. See, I can try to think of other methods, of other ways to keep things nice, and that is fine, but what it comes down to, is me. I need to endure. I need to not get :sick and tired...of things.

On and on I go...sorry.

Today I made the little girls some oatmeal, got them up, gave them showers, brushed their hair, and sent them on to the bus. And now here I am in the quiet. I write things like the above to encourage myself for the day. Yesterday, Charlotte Claire wore undies, she wanted to, and it wasn't pretty. She peed a big puddle. When I asked her where pee should go, she replied sweetly, "On the floor...".....So, I cleaned her up and got her some new undies, new clothes. She promptly pooped in the undies. So I told her the first thing that came into my head: You can't go to Katie's house until you wear undies and poop and pee in the toilet......(Katie is my niece, lives in town in a nice little house with her husband and daughter, my girls' good friend Grace)......then I put a diaper on her. I simply don't care. When she decides she wants to go to Katie's house, she will train.......see all the expertise I have after training 14 kids? ha.

Well, I do have some necessary things to do with my quiet time.....and the kids brought the newspaper in when the went out this morning.....it calls.....

sonja kathleen

Emily Anne, this is Sonja for you, in her cupcake pajamas.....isn't she so cute? I just wish gramma were around to see her red hair and freckles......

I went for my walk!

And it was every bit as hard as it was yesterday....I made Sam come with me. He is 13 and a half, and he is very entertaining. He told me about the new kid in school who's taller than him, and how some kids threw food in the cafeteria, and the lunch ladies made EVERYONE clean it up. Except he didn't help, because he would never make a mess like that. And how he sat at his cousin Jake's table, and the lunch lady yelled at him, but he didn't move, because he thinks he should be allowed to sit with his cousin if he wants to. He is right, but he may find himself taking that lonely walk to the principal's office one of these days if he doesn't cozy up to the lunch ladies a bit more...

I did take a little snooze on the couch this afternoon, too. One half hour of slamming doors, and kids asking for things....How many cookies can we have? Can we have a Cow-tail? (I was saving those, but it is easier to say yes when you are sleeping than argue).....I did sleep though, I fell asleep about 200 times. No, probably about 10. I am trying not to exaggerate.

Dinner is almost being served. I needed a rest after that walk.....I made dinner before I went....chicken/spicy rice, baked chops, broccoli and corn. I made sure Joseph was watching the stove, and listening for the nappers to wake up. Margaret was keeping an eye on the other kids outside, playing foursquare, which disolved into a big fight....

Well, Paul is home now, dinner time.

tired afternoon....

I know, I know, I complain far too much about being tired. Not enough sleep is one of the hardest things for me. Getting up so many times in the night...and I had a really bad dream last night, I guess it was a nightmare. It woke me up, and every time I started to fall back to sleep, I would be dreaming about it again....my head was pounding...so I prayed. I prayed that my head would feel better and I could sleep. And: immediately, my head was fine, and I was dozing off, with good dreams. Just goes to show, God is right there, always.

I have been very busy today, doing laundry, sweeping and mopping, vacumming, just general Monday cleaning up, and taking the kids outside for a while, as it is beautiful out there. Then I baked a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.....and I still haven't gone for my walk. I am screaming for a nap....but it is getting later.. I keep telling myself that I will survive without the nap...I like being with my kids in the afternoon.....

I am a very bad person. Very bad. Yesterday, the National Rifle Association called. It shook me up. Just maybe the word, "rifle"......so I took the call, told them Paul was busy, and hung up. I found out they had already called him the other day, and he told them he did not want to donate. Anyway, they just called again. In my defense, I wasn't thinking clearly, just shaken again...here is what I said....."Please don't call here again." they said, blah, blah, blah.....I said again, "Please don't call here again."....blah, blah, blah....so, I said, "my brother just shot himself, and the last person I want to talk to is YOU!, so, PLEASE, don't call here again...." the woman said, "okay, then we can confirm that you do not want any further calls from the National Rifle Association?" I hung up. What part of PLEASE DON'T do they not get? I feel a little bit bad, but Billy would think it was funny. If she just listened to me, I would have spared her...but no, she had to just go on and on.....

No, that was a bad thing for me to do. I don't want to say that just to shock someone. But, Billy would think it was funny. Oh, Billy. It is still so unreal. Each and everytime I think of it, I just am shocked all over again.

I think I am going to just doze a bit on the couch here...then I won't waste the time of a full fledged nap....then I will go for my walk.....

new day, new week..

I am not sure where this birthday hat came from, but I thought it would look nice on Camille, and I was right. She wanted it off though....but we had to take a picture first....I am not too mean, I hope....Kathryn's birthday is coming up. She will be eleven years old, my tenth child. I was telling her about when she was born......Emily was 13, Abigail 11, Benjamin 9, Mirielle 8, Joseph 6, Aaron 5, Mali 4, Samuel 2, and Margaret, 15 months and one day. How did I manage to have 10 kids with the oldest one 13, and just turned thirteen, at that.....I remember having an awful headache after she was born, and asking the nurse to take her for a while....I over heard her say to the other nurses, as she wheeled the nice little bed out into the hall, "I don't know what she's going to do when she gets home....ten kids!".....Well, it is fuzzy now what did happen when I got home, but I guess I just took things one at a time, and loved my baby......Margaret was a very sweet little toddler, I do remember that. And Sam....two and a half, with blond curls....oh, I have been a lucky lady....I am sure it wasn't easy, but I know that I believed then what I still believed, and will continue to trust in, that God causes all things to work for our good, and never gives us more than we can handle. I just have to re-adjust my thinking during the day, in the trials, and realize that my goals sometimes have to be given up. And still believe Him. I mean, I can think with all my heart that it is GOOD to get this load of dishes done. And be so frustrated, because someone is crying....but maybe I need to just sit down and read a story....

All nine of the school kids made it out the door and on to the bus this morning. But: the second trip didn't leave yet and the nurse called, Mali isn't feeling well at school, can someone come get her? Which is easier said than done, by the way....Jon, Charlotte Claire, Camille still in bed....Mirielle was nice enough to go and get her on her way, not, to college. She will be a little late for her class. She wasn't too thrilled with Mali, but she went to pick her up anyway. I am glad she did, or I would have had to wake up all the little ones and put them in the van.....

I didn't go on the treadmill this morning because it is another beautiful day, and I would rather take my walk outside today. It is sort of a gamble, not knowing how the day will unwind....

Camille was awful last night. She seems to be going backwards with her sleep. She stands there in her new little green bed, yelling for Me-Me.....and when I pick her up, she pats my back, and says, "shhh, shhh"....last night, she was up five times. Five times. I was sitting there nursing her, the big overgrown baby that she is, and thinking about how I could manage to get her out of my room. In my experience, when you get a child/baby that age into their own room, they learn pretty quickly that night is for sleeping......it takes a little bit crying, as much me as them....but not too much.

My brain still feels all fuzzy and disconnected because of losing Billy, especially because it was so tragic, the way he died.....I feel like I have been on a distant planet for a while.....I am not in sync with the world yet. The elementary kids do a Parents As Reading Partners project, called PARP, each March. I hate PARP. We read with the kids anyway, but to have to log the minutes for each child, and bring the weekly sheet to school.....just another thing to keep track of....but they get a prize if they bring it in, so I comply. Well, it is the sixteenth day of March, and I have yet to even sign one page of a PARP pamphlet. I really need to get it together here....Sonja actually went to school today without her library book. oops.

Mali is home now, she has a temperature of 99.7, lowgrade, but she feels awful and dizzy, which Mirielle wanted to know why she didn't feel that way BEFORE she got on the bus...but I think the kids often feel lousy in the morning, and just go to school.....if they stayed home everytime they felt yucky, they would be home all the time.

Charlotte Claire is up now, and Mali has taken up the couch. I wonder who will get this one.....no, I will not be anxious for tomorrow. I will take each moment, just each moment, and be faithful in it.

sunny day.....

I just came back from a nice walk. No, I lied. It wasn't completely nice. No, it was awful. It was only one half an hour, up a few hills....oh, it was hard....I have lost all the ground I gained....I replaced my walks with the treadmill. Then I slacked off on that. It has been at least 3 weeks since I set foot on it. I am mad at myself. There only so much time in each day, and when excercise isn't postively number one, it gets pushed to the side. Lately, I have had it in my mind to get things cleaned up and organized around here, and there is not enough time in the day for that, either. But I have decided that come heck or high water, to put it nicely, I will "treadmill" each morning for at least 15 minutes. Now it is written, now it shall be done. Please, call me on it, check on me, shame me. I need it...

We have been watching "Anne of Green Gables", and "Anne of Avonlea".....good stuff. My older ones grew up with these wholesome movies. Movies where purity was normal.

Mali is going to a Japanese restaurant with her friends for her belated birthday. She is thrilled, as she is fascinated with anything to do with the Japanese culture.

Well, we have been invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend, can't say who, hope he isn't reading this right now.....have to get get going.....