sunday evening...

Today was rainy and bleak. The yard is already soggy, so I didn't let them go out and play today. They would just get all muddy. They did have plenty to do in here, though. The girls played dollhouse without any dollhouses.....

It looks fun to me. I still like to sit down with them and set things up. Since I have never grown up, we have tons of dollhouse stuff. I can't pass it up if I see a set of furniture we don't have yet. I buy it and save it for a birthday or Christmas.

The three boys were back for dinner, and the girls were here too. We had RiceKrispy treats for dessert, I made a double batch, and I do believe they are gone.

Camille is in bed, I have been trying to put her to bed earlier. She is SO busy, it is nice to have a bit of time where I don't have to be wondering what she is into, or grabbing her out of something. Now that she can get on the kitchen table, and pull a chair to the counter, the possibilities are endless. I have been firmly telling her NO when she gets on the table, giving her a stern look, and getting her down. We don't keep anything on the tables except some flowers between meals, anyway, but when we are setting the table for a meal, she likes to get right up there. She is still a keeper, though. She loves to bring me book after book....and she actually likes to look at them. She also loves to sit with me as I look at different blogs. She likes the pictures of babies and kids. She really likes the header picture on here....she points out the kids.....and she is sweet, gives lots of kisses. She likes it when she has clothes on that make her belly accessable. She loves to pull up her shirt and pat her tummy....probably because she senses how cute we think it is. But despite her sweetness, it is nice to have some down time.

Abigail took the girls in the hot tub today. When a few of them came in, I went out and joined her. The water temperature was 98 degrees, just right for me. I can't have it hotter, because it can be dangerous when pregnant. But body temperature is fine. With the jets and bubbles on, it is so nice and relaxing. Except for the presence of one Miss Charlotte Claire, who thinks it is a small swimming pool. She stands on the seats, and jumps into the center, where it is deeper. (she wears a swim vest)....she puts her face right into the water, she doesn't stay still. She steps on our feet and splashes our faces. Sometimes she dives right onto me. All with a huge smile on her face, she just loves the water and has no fear. I finally had Abigail bring her in the house so I could sit in there alone for ten minutes and relax.

We are taking a family trip to Canada. Just a one night trip, and Paul has to work, so it is just me. But Abigail has the time off from school, so she is coming too. We are going to Gananoque, where Paul and I went last month. The next day we are bring Mali up to Ottowa, she is going to trade places with Mirielle helping a friend of ours who is having her fourth child. Then we drive home from Ottowa, hopefully having a few nice stops on the way home, for lunch, and for stretching....if the weather is nice, we may stop at a beach on the eastern shore of Lake Ontario. Beautiful sandy beaches.....

We are all packing into two hotel rooms, I hope we don't get in trouble. I am not JUST a cheapskate, there has to be a 21 year old or older in each room that is reserved, and I only have one of those to go with me. So we will fit Abigail, Joseph?(I don't know if he is going yet), Aaron, Mali, Samuel, Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, Camille, and I into two rooms. There are two queen beds in each room. We'll fit. I have Camille's little green bed to bring, and an air mattress, and a few sleeping bags. How on earth we will fit 14 of us in the 15 passenger van with all this stuff is yet to be seen. Oh, and fans! We cannot sleep without our white noise. I will be nice and take a small stroller. And I have to remember to bring swim vest/floaties for the 4 youngest ones for the pool. Yikes, it will be tight.

I am still very excited that I am pregnant. I can't believe it. One would think that it would be like, humdrum, oh, another one....but it isn't. Each one seems so miraculous. I somehow think that after each one is born, it would be too good to be true to have yet another, so when it happens, I am surprised and thankful ....and yes, I do know my biology. Anyway, I feel only slightly naseaus, so I am thinking to call the dr. tomorrow and see when I can get in to see him. I have no idea how far along I might be....which is totally opposite of how I usually am. This fog that I have been in since losing my brother has really affected my memory.

I can't even think about the house I grew up in without tearing up. I lived in that house all my life, since I was a little over a year old anyway. I moved out when I got married, but my parents stayed there....things didn't change much there, and it was my absolutely favorite destination. They lived in a nice 1950's suburban neighborhood, small low-traffic street with cape-cod style houses. About 45 minutes from here. I loved nothing better than to bring my kids there to see gramma and grampa. I can still see my mother, always ready with her purse on her arm, coming out to the van because I usually took her shopping and or to lunch when I went down there. She would come to the van, and get in and take inventory of the kids, maybe comment on someone who was skipping school to visit her....and they would all try to GRAMMA, GRAMMA her at once.....then my dad would come out and look in at the kids and sometimes who ever was the baby would cry at his gruff voice and I would feel bad for him....he would sometimes give me money for lunch or gas. And he would tell me that I shouldn't waste money driving this huge van all the way down there all the time, even though he was pleased as can be to see us. My brother Billy moved back in with my parents after living on his own for a while. He helped them tremendously. When my dad got sick, Billy stayed there to take care of him, and drive my mother to her dialysis 3 times a week, and to all the dr. visits. So a visit to my parents was also a visit with Billy. He would always make me coffee, and have some treats for the kids. He could cook some wonderful dishes, too. Yes, he took very good care of my parents. After my mother died, my father was consumed with grief and lonliness, and was scared of germs beyond reason, because of his leukemia. He only wanted Billy to make his coffee, Billy to be near him. And Billy would give me that look of amusement, but never let on to my father anything but respect and goodness. My father got more and more obsessive about handwashing, germs, how his medicines were arranged. It was all he could control about his life. And Billy just went along with him....just took care of him. Billy was there alone with him the Saturday morning my dad woke up feeling strange, then had the stroke. Billy said the last conscious things my dad said were for the paramedics to not mess up his medications all set up on the coffee table. Billy told us that a few times with that respectful amusement, but immense sadness. Billy had certainly been through a lot. It seems like with him gone, I have lost the last contact, the closest contact to my parents. Billy always would tell things that I didn't know about their last years. It was like having a connection to my parents to spend time with Billy. I know I have a husband and a family, but sometimes I just feel so lost. Even though I am grown up. A huge part of my life, one of the most special parts, is gone.

I am sorry....just writing things out.....I know dying is a part of life...but why does it have to hurt so much?