Jonny's birthday....

Miss Camille found a container of Laffy Taffy...which we were not having tonight. She doth protest....

She likes these sandals on with her jammies....she has two AA batteries, and a giant pen. Very good baby toys.

Miss Kitten Force: pet or decoration?

For a celebration, we got out frosting and sprinkles for our Oreos....Happy Birthday Jon! Evelyn, Sonja (front), Jon, Suzanne (back), Kathryn...(back)

Chocolate frosting...

And Miss Charlotte Claire with chocolate frosting...

Kathryn Grace





Suzanne Eleanor in the tree.

Evelyn Joy....

"Today is done,

Today was fun

Tomorrow is another one"...

dr. seuss

mirielle, would you go see what they're doing?

Because I just heard one of them say they could rip out 14ooo pages.....rats, now they have chapstick....

a new day....

Thank you Shel for the idea regarding PetSmart adoption events. I am going to call our local store today and find out about it...it is supposed to be this weekend, starting tomorrow. It sounds promising. The thing is, in all this, I know getting a puppy/dog is sort of pacifying myself. When I was supposedly miscarrying Camille, I had those two little kittens, who are now big silly cats, to snuggle with. They would both climb right up under my chin and purr....then of course I found out I WAS pregnant all along....that was bliss. Mother's day, two kittens, all the kids, and like 14 weeks pregnant for a baby I thought I had lost....

Yesterday I went to the dr., but did not even see the dr. I did a pregnancy test that was still strongly postitive, so they sent me to the lab for bloodwork. I will go back in on Friday for another draw, so they can see if my hormone levels are dropping. I was not surprised that the test was still positive, after all, I have not really started bleeding yet. But since yesterday, I have started a bit. Now, ignorance is bliss. But since this situation is so similar to Camille's pregnancy, that I cannot help be a bit hopeful. Which is bad, because the chances are pretty slim....I need to deal, and get on with life....but what if those levels are rising, and the baby is growing, and I am just plain spotting alot? I actually feel quite crampy right now, but then I did with Camille too...see, if that hadn't happen, I would not be feeling that spark of hope....but believe me, it is just a spark....and I won't get the results until Monday. So, I need a puppy in the mean time, don't I? (what exactly does "mean time" mean, anyway?)

Today is Jonathan Robert's 5th birthday....yay!!! I am thinking of bringing him to Walmart today to get a bike. He learned to ride last summer when he was a little four year old, and his bike is very small, 12 inch wheels, and it is pretty and pink. He really wants a boy bike, which does not make sense to me, considering he has two younger sisters.

Having Jonathan was one of the biggest blessings of my life. Consider this: the previous June, I went in for a regular check-up, I was 26 weeks along, expecting a baby boy. I HAD noticed a decrease in kicking, but the baby was still moving around alot, I thought...then there was no heartbeat with the doppler....the midwife was very calm, and suggested a sono, and stupid me did not get it yet. Grace, I guess....so, the sono: she looked for a minute, then went for the dr.....by then I started really getting it. He said, "I'm sorry, but your baby is gone..." I turned completely to jelly. Absolute shock. It was a Friday afternoon. He said to come in Monday morning.....to be induced.....but enough about this....it was difficult, to say the least. I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the world. Robert William, June 16, 2003. The thing is, I was pregnant again within 6 weeks, because Jonathan Robert was born April 30th, 2004. He was just surrounded by thankful loving parents and siblings, and cousins from the start. His little cousin Grace has loved him since she visited him in the hospital, when she was only 17 months old. His birth was interesting: I was in labor for a long time, then go stuck at like 7 centimeters....a little pitocin, and he was born in a very short time....he was beautiful right from the start.

Being nestled among seven of his 11 sisters, (5 immediately older, and two younger) Mr. Jonny is as good at playing house, and being the mommy, as he is at playing with his trucks. He has a real affinity for all tractors, cars, buses and planes, but he also likes "High School Musical" and "Hannah Montana"....

Well, Camille has been sleeping through the night lately. I haven't nursed her in days. I think I feel that as a loss, too. I wouldn't have chosen to wean her yet if I knew I would lose the baby.

When I look around me and count my blessings I know I have nothing to complain about. And I do sincerely believe that God sends things for my very best.

Last night, all the older kids were gone, the kitchen was a mess from the nice dinner Mirielle had prepared, I was tired....then Paul came home late, and we tried to talk a little. Ha. The kids kept interjecting every 30 seconds, or someone would walk into the room and start to tell Daddy something....at one point, I asked Evelyn to just let Daddy and I talk a bit, and she stomped off. 9 years old, and she stomped off. Great. Anyway, we gave up after a bit, and I called all the kids to the table for cookies and milk. They drank over a half gallon of milk, and hundreds of Oreos. Not really. I let Camille have milk in a mug (mugs are harder to tip than cups), but I held it for her. It is a good way to hear about their day, to sit at the table with them like that. Kathryn told us about Swine flu, and how the pres. shook hands with someone who died of it the next day.....and Suze told us how it came to be, from birds to pigs to people, or whatever....and they told me about washing hands and not spreading germs....and I told them that our pediatrician told my sister-in-law that he had as much chance of getting hit by a car as getting the Swine flu. Why does the school panic my children? Learning germ prevention is good, I guess, but don't scare them so.

Obviously, I have the gift of gab this morning...just be thankful you aren't on the phone with me...by now you would be making up every excuse in the book to hang up with me....what, you have to go?

mr. sweety is gone

He has been adopted. Rats. I stopped in this afternoon to enquire, and he was gone... it has been 24 hours since we submitted our application, and they haven't approved us yet. It is ridiculous. I wanted to discuss it with them, but they seemed so serious and soldier-like, I felt like I was going to cry. Partly because Mr. Sweety was gone, and partly because I feel really looked down on by these dog loving ladies. And partly because I am really feeling crampy and lousy. Like crying about everything, not from my brain, but from my feelings.

Kathryn and Evelyn were with me, and we stopped in to Petco. Big mistake. $600 for a puppy. The absolutely delectable new sheepdog puppies were not priced yet but the young fellow said they would be between $600 and $2400. Okay. Skip that place.

I did stop at a Hallmark shop and get a Webkins for Jon, and for Sonja for their birthdays. Then I went to B.J.s and got some good deals....but all I wanted was to get home...and here I am. Mirielle made homemade macaroni and cheese and ham for dinner for the kids. Now all the older kids are gone and I am here on the computer, and I should get busy.....Camille really wants my lap....

(p)update

Paul is very good to me. He does not want a dog, but said if I want one, that is fine. He just doesn't have time to take care of it. So, he went and dropped off the application, along with the cover letter begging them to see our large family as a good thing, not a reason to be turned down. He went in to meet the dog I want, along with Suzanne, Sonja K., and Charlotte Claire. They really liked Mr. Sweety. Unfortunately, the woman said several people are interested in this one dog. Rats. Even if they do approve us, we may miss out on Mr. Sweety. Oh well. I plan to call up there first thing in the morning, and let then know we really want the dog. Then I plan to stop in and see Mr. Sweety after my dr. app't. tomorrow afternoon.

happy birthday, jon - happy birthday, sonja k.

Jon's birthday is not really today. It is Thursday. And Sonja's is on Sunday. And Charlotte Claire's is on the 11th of May. But I was in the store today, and these yummy cakes were marked down to $2.99 each....and I THOUGHT all the older kids would be home tonight....so....tonight we would celebrate. It turns out that Joe and Sam were already going to sports, but we did fine without them. We are still going to have a party for them with some of their friends....but this was nice.

The pear tree in our front yard....

The front yard is in bloom.... The trees in the side woods from the deck....(this is for you, Emily)

I went shopping with my sister today, just her and I and Jonathan. She needed a part for her sewing maching all the way far away at a fabric store in a town several towns away. We then went in Target, where I got some nice things for cheap, because I only shop the clearance racks. I got jeans for Sam for $8.74, some nice zip sweatshirts for Kathryn and Evelyn for $3.24, and two nice Tonka trucks for Jon, that he picked out himself.

We then went to the grocery store for just a few things, that's were we got the cakes. And of course milk and bread and bananas. And cereal and peanut butter.

I am not feeling the greatest, sort of crampy, and sad, and miserable, though you wouldn't know it. I am vehemently opposed to feeling sorry for myself, so I am not. I did have a very nice day with my sister. She is so funny....I think the drive-through (we had to feed Jon!) lady thought she was "special", and the Thruway toll-taking-lady was not pleased that she paid the seventy cent toll with a twenty dollar bill.

Tonight is American Idol night at our house, so I need to join in the critiquing during every muted commercial....

a puppy!

no, not yet. See, I want one. I know it is no substitute for a baby, but I would like to cuddle and nurture and be distracted by a puppy. Not to mention I was a little scared the other night, being here alone with the little ones and NO barking dog. So, after Mali's dentist appointment today, we went to the S.P.C.A. They had two dogs they thought would be suitable for a family with a young child (they have no idea HOW MANY young childs)....one was a mutt with spots like a dalmatian, 1 year old, friendly, trained, medium small, very nice, named Otis. I didn't love Otis, but I probably would after like 5 minutes. The next one: a cocker spaniel named Conner, which I would change to something more like Prince Valient or Mr. Sweety. He is four years old, beautiful with those captivating puppy-like eyes, very calm and obedient....and get this: he is a casualty of divorce. The dog-keeper-lady said the man dropped him off just crying. I wanted to ask if they dropped off the kids too. The poor dog. I really would like him. But: I do not think they will approve us for adoption of a dog. Two years ago they denied our request to adopt a kitten. A KITTEN! No offense to animal lovers, because I am also one, but KITTENS are a DIME A DOZEN!!!! Mali and Aaron kept calling and asking if we were approved yet, and they finally decided that we were not, because: we have too many kids. Okay. I somehow saw this as a GOOD thing. Lots of kids to feed the kitty, and play with it....I love animals, but these new-age crazies who think animals have more rights than people...oh, never mind. Anyway, we probably won't get approved for a puppy unless we accidentally forget to mention how many kids we have. Is that the same as lying? Hmm. I really like that Mr. Sweety.

One other problem: Paul does not want another dog. I asked him what we should do then, since I DO want another dog. He replied that I always do what I want anyways. At least 97% of the time. Now that is strange to me, because I could swear that I do what he wants like 97% of the time, and what I want like the other three. I seriously do not want to barge ahead and get a dog if he doesn't really want one. Wait, yes I do. Rats. I need to do some thinking......

Well, my kids had a wonderful 90 degree afternoon, filling the little pool with sand...and we ate dinner out on the deck. Burgers on the grill....can't get much better than that.

Camille Anaya is being a big cry-baby. Evelyn is asking her if she wants to look out the window, and she is saying, "NO way!"....she can't say much, but she can say, "Stop It!, and NO Way!"

why do you need a clean bathing suit?

Why? Did you pee in it or poop?....."NO, Mommy! I just got ice-cream on it!"

Charlotte Claire, almost three and not quite potty-trained....yes, I am such an expert. I am bribing her with a new pink bike when she does poop in the toilet....we will see.

of proms and things....

A question was asked recently about the prom....did my boys not go by choice, or are they not allowed. I will try to answer that.

9 of my kids are "youth age", which in our church is 12 years old to 35. That is the age they are allowed to go to meetings specially geared towards their age group, and go to all other activities that the the youth are involved in like volleyball, other sports, trips, ect.

All of my youth kids are involved in these things except for Benjamin, because when he was 15 or 16 he started to not want to be along in them. He has his own friends, and frankly, he has the most difficult life of all my children, it seems.

Anyway, I am sure those of you who read your bibles know it is written to "flee youthful lusts"....and that Jesus said, "he who looks at a woman with lust has commited adultery in his heart"....these are serious things. To keep oneself pure in the teenage years is quite possible. These kids who choose to be along in the youth group, and live whole-heartedly for God simply do not date. They use their time for more wholesome things. They are thus spared the heartache and nonsense, not to mention the sinful possibilities that all that brings. Then, if and when they marry when they get older, they have kept themselves pure, which is a precious thing. My kids who have followed this course are very happy and well-adjusted, though I am sure they have had their share of battles and temptations.

So: the prom. Emily actually went to the prom with some of her cousins, all girls. They had fun doing manicures and curling their hair. They wore no make-up, but were lovely. My boys, ouldn't picture them going. Benjamin went, but he has had a girlfriend for quite a few years now.

So the answer to the question: if they wanted to go, we would let them. We would, and have, though, have certain rules regarding bringing boyfriends and girlfriends here, as we would rather not have the younger ones think it is a good thing. Benjamin was with his girlfriend for over a year before we let him bring her around. This may seem harsh, but we do not think it is good or right to just have boyfriends/girlfriends like that, and if we allow it in our home, we are saying it okay. It also seems harsh that we tell our younger ones that we don't think Ben is making good choices, but we do love him anyway, and we actually really like his girlfriend, too.

So, that is what we believe, and it it goes well.

is the dry spell over?

I did not sleep well at all last night. My mind wants to be over being sad about losing this baby. But I cannot force it. I did only find out 5 days ago, I guess. So I go about my day, and then at night, I have bad dreams and keep waking up.

I got all the kids out the door and onto the bus this morning. I think they went so willingly because I am picking them up at 2:00, all the ones who want to. A few of the older ones would miss important classes, but the younger ones will mostly miss playtime. It is going to be too hot today for that bus ride.

Okay, I have traveled a little bit in my life. Canada a dozen times, several states, a vacation in Virginia, Florida, Washington D.C., a visit in Maryland when my sister lived there....one trip to Norway. But Emily: she is traveling all over Europe! Last year, her and Aaron went to England and Wales. This year from Norway, she has visited Denmark, and the Netherlands. She has been to Switzerland. This week she is spending a week in Sardinia, an island off the coast of Italy. She figures she may as well, after she comes home and starts back in the real world of working and paying bills, it just ain't gonna happen. I am glad for her, but I wish I was a millionaire and I could meet her there and sit around in the sun for a week.....

Camille has improved greatly as far as sleeping goes. She woke up only once last night, and did not want to nurse, just a cuddle, then she was sort of throwing herself backwards, and seemed to want to go back in her nice green bed. She found her thumb, went back to sleep, and that was it. Wah. Are my baby days over?

We live out in the country. We had a dog for 14 years now, and I felt safe, because he was an excellent barker. He was funny though, because he would not bark in the house. If he wanted to go out, he would finally whine a bit, but he never barked. He would, however, bark if he was outside and wanted to come in. He was better than a doorbell, he would bark whenever anyone pulled into the driveway (and when anyone pulled into the across the street neighbors' driveway, too)....so I always had a 30 second heads up when someone pulled in. I particularly appreciated this half minute to pull myself together when my mother-in-law came calling. One summer, Paul's work vehicle was in the shop, and he borrowed his mom's car....Champ stopped barking at it after like the third day...rats. After he returned the car, she would pull in and he did not bark for the longest time.....anyway, I miss having a dog. I don't particularly want to train a puppy, but I would love to have one....cute cuddly sweet - messy, loud, time-consuming....so, we are thinking about it. I feel it is important to have one living out here. I am thinking something not too big not too small....maybe a border collie....but I haven't researched how they are with kids....something not too high-strung.

Miss Camille is awake, and so is Charlotte Claire....so I better get in there ....

oops, I didn't mean to publish that...

For the first time in my year and a half of blogging, I am sort of at a loss about what to write about. Oh, I could mention how I got up and dressed all the kids and we all went to church....how I was tempted to skip, but I was in much need of encouragement...how I truly did get built up in my spirit, to seek His kingdom in my situations in life....I could mention how wonderful it was to see my friends there....and how I am glad I pushed myself to go....how nice it is that 14 of the kids went with us...and how much I realize lately that we have it SO good, in that the young people are so much a part of the church....

Then, how the older kids talked me into going to the outlet mall with them....Mirielle, Aaron, Mali, Margaret, and Kathryn. I could write about how much fun I had with my kids, how we laughed and fooled around....and how sad I felt when I went into my favorite store, Carter's. Full of baby things, that place. I did get my little girls some sweet things, and a few nice shirts for Mr. Jonathan for $3.99 each. Aaron's sneakers were giving him blisters, so he got new ones for less than $30, and he got a shirt and a hoodie for $3 each. How we decided to bring home pizza for dinner, then changed our minds and went to Wegmans for hamburger. 90%burger for $1.99 a pound....we got rolls, pickles, lettuce, and of course a gallon of milk. We left the store and I realized that since it was almost 7p.m., we should get pizza and save the burgers for tomorrow, when it is going to be almost 90 degrees out.

We went through 4 1/2 of the 5 pizzas I brought home...

Well, this is interesting: Mali had her Easter basket in her room this whole time....the other baskets are gone, dumped into one bowl, with just a little left. Well, Mali comes in here with all this candy, and we are practically attacking her. She gave me two maltballs and one tootsie roll, Aaron is trying to get Starburst jellybeans, Mirielle is asking her to throw her something, and Ab is asking for peanut M&M's....then Charlotte Claire said, "Charlotte is here behind you!" I guess she wants some too. Well, that's what she gets for saving it up around here.

Tomorrow I have to take Mali to the dentist again....and it is going to be hot, so I may pick the kids up from school. The bus ride is tooooo long and tooooo hot.

Is this boring enough? I'm sorry, I am tired and sort of distracted by the movie "Elizabeth" that Mirielle, Mali, and Abigail are watching....I am also just starting to cramp and all that other unpleasant stuff, so my suffering isn't over yet. I can't believe the weekend is over, and another week is starting. Life does march on. Jon is turning 5 years old this week, and Sonja K. is turning 7! I don't know when we will fit in a birthday party, but we will. The youth here in our church are having around 40 youth from Norway visit here this weekend. They will be going out to a restaurant on Friday night, and are trying to decide on a really "American" place to take them. (I told them if they need rides, I would be glad to take the 15 passenger van (I would just love to go along))...

I need to get Miss Charlotte Claire to bed. She got to be the sweetie pie who got to stay up late and get all the attention tonight....

treasures in heaven

life goes on....

happily, for the most part...I mean, a tea party? Aaron and Mali had one the other night....

Cloudy, overcast and chilly, but they still like it out there...Sonja K. with her kitty and her notebook....
Jonathan, Suze, Kap, and Evelyn with their Barbie/Webkin houses made from empty diaper, wipes, waffle boxes....they even added curtains.

I haven't taken any pictures today, though I should have. I am taking a little rest after a busy day outside. Paul brought new sand for the sandbox. Do not buy play sand from Wal-mart, $3.24 a bag. It is very stain-y. Camille will never be able to wear that nice little onsie suit she had on again, unless I save it and use it for her sand-box outfit. It is so warm and sunny, they scrubbed up the little pool and filled it, ice cold water. They didn't care. They went from the sandbox to the pool....four of the girls are in the sandbox now. Charlotte Claire and Camille are taking naps. Being outside is tiring. Paul also got the mowers going, Mali is mowing on the riding mower and Mirielle is mowing with the pushmower.

We got a little raking done, Joseph, Samuel, and I. So it does look decent. We have a nice big yard, which I am very thankful for.

Emily called me from Norway last night. She was wondering how I was doing, and I said, "fine", and she asked how I am REALLY doing....I AM basically doing fine, but I am still so sad.....that's normal, I suppose. But I told her how I think my optimism is a blessing from God. I mean, there IS so much to learn from going through the different trials and losses. In Matthew it is written, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy"...and losing a baby is definately a way to become merciful. Life really is so much more than what the eye sees and the ear hears. God wants to do a work in me. Like I have said before, I have the responsibility of all these children, which is really a bonus, because I have no choice but to keep trusting God, and seeking His kingdom. What would they do if I gave up hope?

Oh, the funniest thing happened on Thursday. At the grocery store, we went over to get balloons for the kids, they give them out at the floral department. While we walked past all the beautiful bouquets, I said to Mirielle..."Maybe Dad will bring ME flowers tonight..." She said, "Oh Mom, stop it".....And guess what? He did! He brought me flowers. I told Mirielle, and she could not believe it.

See, I have been more tempted to feel sorry for myself than I can remember in my entire life. Poor me. I know it is a road I don't want to go down, but I do find myself starting out on it several several times a day. I know if I let myself, I could very well get lost on that road, so I am keeping vigilant for those thoughts.

I also know I have said this so many many times before, but I am so thankful for my other kids. Emily: she is so thoughtful and kind, and I know she loves me.

Abigail: she is such a good, kind, faithful girl...

Benjamin: a soft-hearted boy who isn't home nearly enough...

Mirielle: She has such a heart for the younger ones, and she is so good to me. (I DID give her two $10 Target gift cards for going shopping with me the other day)

Joseph: Joe is so sensitive and he just seems to "get" me....we have a nice time together.

Aaron: He is clever and funny and social and kind.....he was very sad about the baby.

Mali: She is very sunburned right now, which is beside the point, but she is kind and helpful and she also feels really awful about the baby.

Sam: He is such a companion! He likes to talk, and he is a great friend.

Margaret: She has to work at getting along with everyone, but the good thing is that she does! She is actually very kind...

Kathryn: She just fell head-first through the hole in the trampoline where the springs are missing -she is okay, but I think we need a new trampoline...anyway, she is of course a good girl, and keeps the younger ones very busy.

Evelyn: She says I can have another kid....aah, life is simple when you're nine years old.

Suzanne: Today, she wrote a list of what they were going to do outside: sandbox, picknick, fill little pool, and go exbloring.

Sonja K. Yes, a sweetie, and life is simple for her too....she just enjoys herself playing with the other kids....

Jonathan: Oh, what an exciting day for him! Daddy let him have a ride on the mower (when it wasn't mowing, of course).....

Charlotte Claire: she has done so well saying bye-bye to her bottles. She can have wicked tantrums, but mostly is good natured.

Camille: Still the baby for a while yet, I guess, she is talking now. She loves to say "Sonja!", or should I say YELL.....she gives kisses and hugs, but she also bites.

thank you everyone

I have said this before, but I started blogging because I like to write. I did not realize how many friends I would make. It really helps to read all the kind comments, and thank you so very much for taking the time to comfort me.



Last night I slept that awful bad- dream sleep that gives no rest from sadness. And when I woke up this morning, I remembered....no baby. Rats. Wah. So, I was rather grumpy. Actually kind of mean. And demanding. Thinking things like, "They don't know what I'm going through....(the older kids).....But it didn't sit well with me to be like that.....I started to feel bad, and I wanted to go get Abigail and Mali from their schools and apologize.....(I do realize that I am probably having a major dumping of those feel-good pregnancy hormones, hence the pounding headache)....but during all this I am conscious of the responsibility I have for the little ones here....and how I just know that although I can be sad, I CANNOT give into despair. I can cry, but I can not let my spirit be broken. Too much rides on me being of sound mind here.....



So, this afternoon, I actually went to Target and PriceChopper. Sound crazy? Well, I was so restless, and honestly, I haven't actually started to bleed yet....so I took a chance that it wouldn't start when I was gone, I convinced Mirielle that the kids would be good, so off we went. Mirielle and I, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille....

I found the little girls a few nice cheap shirts (the skirts and skorts pass down well, but the shirts need frequent replacing) in Target....we left the store with Charlotte Claire screaming and crying and yelling, "I want my skirt!"....I was going to buy her this cute little skirt, she put it down somewhere, we couldn't find it, and there was not another one in her size on the clearance rack....so, she couldn't have it.....by the time we got to the van, I had her convinced that if she wanted to go in the next store she HAD to stop crying. And she did, phew, because I didn't know what I was going to do if she didn't.

She did much better in the grocery store...we bought all of our chicken and bananas and bread (buy one get two free!), sirloin steaks for $1.99 a pound, cheese, eggs, milk, and a Clifford's Puppy Days video for $1.99.

We then had to go to the bank, to Aldi for fruits and veges (and chocolate, they have good cheap chocolate)....well, it was there that Charlotte Claire's balloon flew out of the van and went up to heaven. Off and on all the way home, she cried and begged me to please take her to heaven to get her balloon. (I told her she was making me nervous).....

It was somewhere in the middle of all this that I really realized how blessed I am. I have been blessed with: hope, optimism. I saw how so many things made me happy today, in the midst of being sad. And the happiness I felt when Jonathan and Sonja shared their popcorn so willingly....and when they all said "thank-you" so whole-heartedly and without prompting when they got their balloons....it didn't overshadow the sadness, but it did shine through it. And that is hopeful. I feel like a gift has been taken from me, and I am almost furious about it.....and it IS okay to be sad. It is like the background music, the undercurrent. I feel like I can swim with it, but I have to be careful not to drown in it....

Oh, that sounds like such nonsense....ah, well,that is how it is with me today. I am feeling dramatic. blah, blah, blah....

Anyway, I am very thankful for all the kind comments. (I feel like I am going through nothing compared to poor baby Stellan, on mycharmingkids......he had the heart ablation, and things were not fixed....he is staying in Boston for a while....his poor mom....she is apart from the other kids and her husband....and he is such a sweet and beautiful little baby boy, 5 months old)....

sorry, no heartbeat....

So so sad. I really thought I was going to see a wiggly little baby on that screen. But it is not to be. The baby is not developing, has stopped growing, is just not to be. The dr. said I am getting to be a pro at this and this is not a good thing to be getting to be a pro at: these sad sonograms. Oh, this one was not nearly as bad as when Robert William died, at 6 months....that was shocking. This was shocking too, but on a smaller scale. I felt that this pregnancy was just too good to be true. I was almost too happy about it. When the dr. said we should wait about a month before trying again, I just smiled. I didn't try anything, this baby was a gift. Straight out of the blue, I was going to have another baby. Now the gift was taken away, and I feel sort of empty.....and I have a horrible headache, probably hormone related. I cannot complain, however. I have my little Camille, and sweet little Charlotte Claire.....and Jonathan...they have so much affection for me. And the older kids are so precious. Samuel made icecream cones for the kids after dinner. When he was finished, I asked him to put some in the scoop for me, and Joseph, who had come to sit next to me, said, "Make Mom a cone.."....I started to protest, and Joe said, "Why not, Mom? It will make you feel better. Sam, make Mom a cone." Being a 17 year old boy, he couldn't really hug me and tell me he felt bad, but that was his way of telling me he understood I was suffering.

Yeah, after I found out about the baby, I had to go to the waiting room and tell Mali. What fun. And of course we still stopped at the store on the way home. We bought the 4 pound bag of caramel creams. Which did make us feel a little better. ha. I got some bagels and cheese and pepperoni and bacon, so the kids could make their own bagel pizzas (thank you Kim for the idea).....

Mali and I were very hungry before we went to the store. Very hungry. I had only one dollar and some change, but that made over two dollars, that meant we could get two things from the dollar menu. We decided to go to the KFC drivethrough and get 2 Buffalo chicken snackers for 99cents each. The total came to $2.79....I questioned it, said I thought they were 99cents each. The girl said, No, only the original and the barbecue. I told her it said Buffalo on the sign too....and she put her little hands on her little hips and said she would go out and check the sign herself, because those were NOT included.......and I will not tell you what I said as I put the car in drive and drove away without buying anything. Because it was not nice. I'll give you a hint: I told her where to go, a place that I seriously wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but at that moment, she obviously was my worse enemy. She didn't even hear me, she was going to check out the sign. But I think I gave Mali a shock. Seriously though, I was about to tell her, : Do you know what I am going through here???? First my brother, then my dog, now my baby???

Yes, I have lots of things to cry about tonight. And I do think I will. But in all this I still am thankful for so many things....I appreciate the kids I have been blessed with.....but oh, I am still so sad. So sad. I wanted this baby.

waiting day...

I am trying not to count the hours to my dr. appointment....but anyway, it is a nice day. Sonja K. said her tummy hurt, and she is home, but the other 8 school kids went. Her tummy seems fine to me. Mirielle will be home from classes soon, but she has a paper to write, so she is hoping for yucky weather. I think she is getting her wish, it is chilly and overcast. Benjamin is leaving for his classes soon, and Abigail has the day off but had to go to an appointment.

This weekend's weather forecast: in the eighties!! And sunny! Yippee!!! Especially because my two high school boys, Joseph and Aaron, are taking the day off on Friday (it is prom day and they are having assemblies at school, waste of my kids' time, they do not go to prom)....so, they agreed to do some yard work for me. Yay. I have these nice ideas of how our yard should look.....and yet when I buy those little solar lights, they cannot even put them back after they mow. No one else seems to care. Including Paul. He likes it mowed and picked up, that's it. I .m not talented as far as growing anything goes, but I do like it picked up and raked.....so the boys are going to help do that on Friday.

Charlotte Claire dumped out the game of Life in the hall. She DID play with it for a while, but there it lies....she needs me to help her, I guess. She is getting to be such a big girl. Yesterday, I was shocked and dismayed to discover that she has TWO cavities on her front eye teeth. WHAT? We do not have flouride in our water, and I have not been good about giving them supplements lately, (like the last few years), so I need to do that again. And, we have some new rules, me who hates rules. But they are for her best. So, no more bottles at all except for at nap and bed (I know, I know, those are the worst for the teeth, but....one thing at a time!)...I told her she could have bottles with water in them anytime she wanted....I really thought this would be hard for her, but she did fine all day yesterday. Camille gets a few milk bottles during the day, she is littler.

Well, I need to get moving, again. This break is no break, as the three little ones are on the arms of my chair, and on me...and hitting the keyboard (Camille).....they need to be read to or played with....

mr. jonathan is getting better.

He is eating a piece of cheesecake right now. His appetite is coming back, and so is his bounce.



I had an interesting afternoon yesterday. I took Mali to the dentist, and then took her and Samuel to get their passports. Paul was meeting us therebecause they are so young, both of us had to sign. It wasn't until I was there that I realized that since Sam had ridden back from Canada with Mirielle, I did not have his birth certificate in my purse. Rats! Thankfully Mirielle was heading into the city to babysit, so she saved the day by bringing it up to us. We got Sam's pictures done, and everything signed and sent in. Phew.



Then we went to the thrift store, just because it was only Sam, Mali, and I, and hey, it was fun. Mali found a Japanese tea set. She was so excited, especially since it was all individually priced, but the nice cashier said she could have the whole thing for $7.99. She is just thrilled. She is mesmerized with the Japanese culture.



We then went, do not tell, to the Chinese buffet. Oh, if you ever want me to feel guilty...take me there with only two of the kids. I told them NOT to go home and tell. It was great to just talk to them, though. They are 15 and 13, and I am glad we can get along and have some fun together like that.



Next stop: Walmart. We needed kitty food, and some milk. $98 later.....but I did get Sam some much needed jeans, and a pair of nice sneakers. I told him to never wear the old jeans he had on in public again. He insisted that even though there was a hole in the seat, he had shorts on...but that doesn't matter, I tried to explain. Everyone still thought they were seeing undies or boxers....anyway, I told him to throw out his old sneakers, too. Boys are tough on clothes. But at least mine aren't picky about brands or anything...'cause too bad for them if they were.

Camille loves me. She MOMs when she sees me, and not just one time. Over and over, and with joy. "She loves me in the morning, and in the afternoon, she loves me in the evening, underneath the moon...." today I was sitting with her on my lap (I had given her some little cut up apple cubes, which she chewed up and spit out all over), and Charlotte Claire came over saying, "That's my spot, that's my spot!" Excuse me? You have ownership of a certain side of my lap? Okay!

It is that time of the day!!! The dinner dilemma! I do have a foggy idea what to make today, which is good, seeing that it is almost five o'clock. We still have turkey left, and 4 boxes of stuffing mix. Turkey on the bottom, green beans, stuffing? But potatoes would be better...hmm, now I am hungry. The sink is overflowing with dishes still. I unloaded the dishwasher, but Camille was helping me so much that I decided not to load it. (I DID do alot of laundry today, and I swept up the floors and.....)Anyways....

Tomorrow afternoon I go into the dr., again. Hopefully this time we can see a heartbeat. I don't think the sonogram equipment he has is the latest edition, to say the least, so I am not too worried....but I'd be lying if I said I'm fine. I am tempted to much anxiety. I want this baby SO much. I had three miscarriages between Jonathan and Charlotte Claire. 2 were confirmed by the dr., but the third was a very very early pregnancy, or else the preg. test was picking up the hormones from the last miscarriage, I don't know. But after that, I had Charlotte Claire, then Camille's pregnancy which was filled with fun, thinking I had miscarried until like the 4th month.....(which goes to show you can spot and bleed, and still be pregnant!).....I am quite paranoid about losing this baby, which is no way to live, but try and tell that to my mind, which doesn't stop whirring with doubt. Oh, then I'll feel all optimistic and hopeful, then....I have been spotting just a little bit, not much, not red, nothing TOO alarming. Just enough to make me know that when and if I see that heartbeat I will be ELATED!!!! So, pray for me to be at rest, and pray for this baby, that God blesses and strengthens it, and pray for me and all my kids if things don't go well. I can't even think about how that will be, but I know I will be all right. Because I do know in my heart that God does not make mistakes. Sometimes we have to suffer, but He does not make mistakes.

eight kids got on the bus today....

Not too bad after a huge spring break. Kathryn is feeling sick, and I do believe her, since she couldn't eat breakfast, and lots of the kids have had the barfs. Jonathan had a fever last night, and is still on a liquid diet. He hasn't barfed since yesterday though.

Today I have to take Mali to the dentist, and her and Sam to get their passports finished up and sent in, which means Paul will have to meet us at the county office building. Mirielle is babysitting (not for me, for another family) this afternoon, so Aaron and Joseph will have to hold down the fort here. It does get easier when there are older kids who can lend a hand. It means I no longer have to take everyone everyplace I go, like I used to.

B.J.'s cinnamon bagels: absolutely delicious, only $2.99 a dozen. The only drawback: they have to be sliced.....I have to slice them all up so they don't cut their fingers off.

So, my homeschooling plans are still brewing.

Pros:

1. No sending them out in the cold, on snowy winter mornings.

2. No sending them onto the hot bus on humid scorching days.

3. No more wasted time on stupid assemblies, or watching movies in school

4. They can do their work in the mornings, and have the afternoons to play, instead of getting home at 4'oclock....and cramming their whole lives into 4 1/2 hours a day.

5. They can learn at their own levels, instead of assembly line style. I mean, once they get something, why do they have to do those repetitive worksheets? And color those stupid pictures? Do those teachers realize how long it takes for them to color a whole page?

6. I can take the time to sow God's word in them, more.

7. They can have much more of my attention.


Cons:

1. They won't have the social setting of school to help them learn that life is not fair.

2. It will be very busy here with the littler ones around.

3. I will have to be organized!

4. I will have to keep track of state mandates, and make sure they are learning what is required to pass the state tests.

5. Can I teach them well enough?

6. Will they be too sheltered?

7. Will they be stir-crazy?

So, I am still not totally convinced it is the right thing to do. Well, it seems like the right thing, but is it going to work? I need to really think about it. And the cost is something to consider, too.

Well, I have phone calls to make, and kids to feed....

the forces are arrayed against me!!

Only in regards to sewing, thankfully. The foot pedal is gone from my sewingmachine. Nobody knows what I am even talking about, of course. I think it may have been thrown away with an old machine....because I have a different foot pedal here, that is not compatable. Now I have to call the sewing shop AGAIN, and try to see if they have one.

Today, Paul so nicely took everyone to the feast, except for Jonathan, who is sick. (he hasn't barfed all day, but has been pretty much on the couch drinking sippy cups of various flavors of soda, watered down with plenty of ice)....so, here I was, in the quiet, with Jon, who was watching some cartoons....I cleaned the bathroom without having to lock myself in there....(I like having the door open because of the ScrubbingBubbles fumes).....then I started to make a seat cover for the newest pram I adopted from e-bay. I got the fabric all measured and cut, and WHAT? No foot pedal....oh well.

It is nice to have Mali home again. I feel very greedy to have them all here. Though I know it is good for them to go and visit and help people....I like to have them home. I know they won't be here forever, and I am not counting the days 'til they move out. I talked to Emily Anne today for over an hour (74 minutes, to be exact)...and it was nice. She talked to Jon, too. And I miss her. When I was in Blockbuster yesterday, the cashier asked the customer in the next line how she was doing. She replied, "Not very well....but I'll be be better soon...", and she motioned to her kids. The cashier nodded, and said, "oh yeah, I forgot it has been spring break!!"...I want to say I was shocked, but I wasn't. Just mildly disgusted.

Well, Mirielle is watching "Wuthering Heights".....and I am distracted.

jonathan robert

Jonathan is sick now. He barfed in the night. Fun. Poor guy. And poor me. Today is a very special day. We have friends, a family from Norway with three young children, who are moving back after living here for 4 1/2 years. Two of their children were born here in the U.S. The economy is tough, and he needed to move back for work. So the reason today is a special day: in our church we are having a feast for them. (A feast is a celebration, where it is open to everyone who has it on their heart to bless and encourage the others through memories, little stories, and exhortations. With God's word, of course) Today's feast includes fancy desserts, and I think fruit and veggie platters. And I get to stay home with the sick kids. Oh well, I can still be along in prayer that it goes well, and hopefully someone will remember some good parts to tell me, and someone can remember some good desserts to bring home to me.

Charlotte Claire did not barf last night. In fact, she is very hungry this morning since she slept on the couch through dinner last night. Right now she is having a jar of babyfood fruit with her blueberry muffin.

Camille woke only once last night!! What a difference. And the bonus: I was nursing her when Kathryn came to tell us about Jonathan, so Paul had to get up. Hee hee. I do not like barf, but then, who does? It is just one of those little things in life, those gross messes that have to be cleaned up. I did recieve good practice at home growing up having kitties. We had one cat, which was of course MINE, that always always pooped under the baby grand piano (yes, we lived in a little 1950's suburban neighborhood, in a relatively small house, but we DID have a baby grand. My father bought it at an auction, and it was lovely, even though we wrote the notes on all the keys, and no one really knew how to play it) Anyways, that cat chose that spot to poop. And baby grand pianos do not move. So I would have to get down under there and clean it up. I remember just looking at the mess and realizing that there was no way around it. I HAD to clean it up. So I did. I think this was very good for me. Of course my stinking brothers would get an actual kick out of telling me there was another mess.....

I am looking forward to seeing my Mali today. I have missed her much. I have to take her to the dentist tomorrow afternoon. Then Tuesday we are going to do Mali and Sam's passports. Then Wednesday is a dr. appointment for me. And, vacation is over and the kids are going back to school, and I have to get up earlier every morning....and be home every day with just the three little ones. I am going to spend some time this summer researching home-schooling in our state. Benjamin did it for the last few years of high school. Having the younger kids home for all these days has been heavenly. They are more relaxed. I feel that I have so much time to talk to them and give them attention, as opposed to the school days were there are only so many hours between getting off the bus and going to bed, and add in all the afternoon appointments I seem to have....what a difference. Of course I don't mean to say it has been smooth sailing. They do fight. Like tigers sometimes. But that is normal, and I have had time to work with them on it. I have been telling them that peace is worth fighting for. I tell them to stop and notice when they start fighting, notice that little voice telling them to stop. That is God. I tell them it is a complete lie to think that it was the other one's fault. I tell them that Satan hates peace. He is a liar and he loves to blame. For them to acknowledge that something is their fault, and to apologize, is a beautiful thing. So I am thankful to have had this special time to spend with them, sowing things that will help them in life more than anything they will ever learn in school.....

And now, a stinky diaper to change....

blockbuster!

What do you get when you take six children to blockbuster? Kid's movies! Only kid's movies. Tinkerbell. Marley And Me. Doogal. Bedtime Stories. Bolt. We chose to watch Marley And Me first, and here is my review:

This movie should not have been rated PG, the word sh&& was in it. I do not say that word, nor do I want my kids to hear it in a pg movie. ( But I guess pg DOES mean Parental Guidance suggested) The theme was too adult, they way they were "trying" for a baby, the bedroom scene from their Ireland trip, and the skinny-dipping on his 40th birthday. Aside from all that, the movie dragged on and on. The dog was bad. Very bad. It was funny the way he ripped the snot out of the pillow the very first night, and his behaviour did not get much better. The mom whined alot, the dad was discontent, the kids seemed like too much work, the dog trashed the house. It was not enjoyable to watch. Then the dog got old, and had to be put to sleep. Oh joy. I just went through this in real life, and then had to watch it happen to sweet old Marley. (They made a mistake in the movie, Marley closed his eyes when he died, in real life they keep them open)....it is sad that I know this. I wish I did not have the memories of Champ, but I do. I did not enjoy this movie, but that may be because of Champ.

So, hopefully the next movies will be better. After the movie store, we went to BJ's Wholesale club. I got milk and eggs and bread and bathroom cleaner and a Swifter Mop. ( I am such a nerd, I can't wait to try it!). Suzanne had her purse with her, with $50 birthday money in it. She wanted to buy this stuffed panda bear that takes batteries and opens it's eyes and purrs (do pandas purr?) for $24.90. That money is just burning a hole....I used my executive power to say NO. I knew it wasn't worth it, and that she would regret it. So I stuck to it, even though she sulked. We got back into the van to head home, and I decided to take them to the dollar store and they could each get one thing. They were relatively practical there, the girls all picked out nice coloring books, except for Evelyn who wanted peach colored lip-gloss. I thought that was stupid, but I didn't feel like using the executive power and dealing with the pouting, so I let her. And, somehow it got lost. We just didn't come home with it, and I swear I didn't pocket it or put it back. I love that dollar store. I bought two sixpacks of Pillsbury muffins, dated April 20th, a pajama sleeper for Camille, two five packs of CowTails(strawberry), a package of big fat RoseArt crayons with a KMart tag that said $1.39, for 50 cents. And a three-pack of socks for the girls.

I had put a Butterball Turkey in the oven at noon, so when we were out and about, I knew that turkey would be getting done. Paul was home with Camille, and when we got home, ooh, heavenly smell. It was six o'clock, so we put the stuff away, Paul carved the turkey, I microwaved three cans of corn, and we had hot turkey on bread, and corn. (Mirielle would NOT approve of all those carbs!)....but it was quick and easy and soooo good. The kids just ate more and more turkey. It was very moist and tender and good, and no, they are not paying me to say that. Hmm, I think I'll go get some from the 'fridge. With bread, and pickles, and pepper. yum.

Am I boring anyone to tears yet? I can put myself to sleep. But one thing I have found out that I have to share: when you have a barfing seventeen month old, when she gets better you can't believe how nice and easy it is to take care of her! And how funny she is! She now yells, "SONJA!" to the top of her little lungs, and when S.K. answers her, she just keeps yelling it. She sat there in the highchair at dinner, trying to put the corn on her spoon. She would yell, "MOM, MOM, MOM!", until I helped her, then in two minutes she would do it again. Great. I mean YELLING. Oh well.

barfers!

Yeah, life ain't all sunshine and roses. Yesterday, it did seem like it was....but then Camille started having "the runs", as my dear mother used to say. 6 diapers full. Then, after I put her to bed, she barfed. All over. A bath. Barf again. Then Suze barfed in the night (bedding!!ugh), then Charlotte barfed in the night....(bedding!!ugh).....then this morning, Camille was so thirsty, we gave her water in a bottle, and BARF! All over me. She still seems bright eyed and bushy-tailed, but I am afraid to give her anything to eat or drink. Her and Charlotte Claire are fooling around like crazy right now.

Paul went to the gun show. I think it was a bit hard for him to leave when we were having SO much fun at home.....

It is just Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja K., Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, Camille, and I home for now, since the older ones are at the youth conference. The funny thing is that Mali came home last night after I went to bed, I thought she was going straight to the conference. And she was still up when Suze barfed, and she showered her and washed her bedding! What a girl. 15 years old.

So, today I was going to take the kids out to lunch, since we stayed home for most of their vacation, since getting home from Canada. But, the plans are being revised. The Chinese buffet is no place for barfers. Ugh. My new plans are: bring the non-barfers (hopefully not otherwise known as pre-barfers) to the movie store and stock up on movies.....and maybe get some gingerale. And maybe even some take-out for the non-barfers.

Camille doesn't feel so great, but she still thinks it is great fun to empty out the wipes. I have had to change her diaper like 4 times already today. I told Paul I feel so GERMY. I took a shower this morning, but since I have been barfed on, and ect. Spare the details, right? I have been tempted today, a few times, to think and even to say, "This day is from hell!!" But I know immediately that that is not right. "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." So, I have been thinking about what I am glad about:

Kathryn. She just changed a very yucky diaper. I told her I would do it, and she replied, "No, I want to." What?

The washer and dryer. I always think when they are sick, "What did the mommies used to do a long time ago?"

That God is so good. That He can help me to be gentle and good and kind when I am tempted to be miserable and at the end of my rope.

Paul. He might be tempted to think this is a day from hell, too, but he knows darn well that that is a lie. He also battles against discouragement and remains happy and good when things are, by all earthly accounts, absolutely crazy here.

Well, I am pushing it by sitting here....there is much to do....like LAUNDRY!!!

nice day with daddy

First of all, this is the latest addition to my pram family. It is a Bebe-car AT Stylo, from Portugal. I am thinking of ordering a basinette from the company....the frame is in excellent condition, and it is a joy to push. I don't exactly need it, but I have a friend who is expecting a first baby...maybe she will want it.

Daddy took the day off from work. We went to the park. Camille and Charlotte Claire have so much energy.

Suzanne, Evelyn, Kathryn in front of Evelyn, Jonathan, Daddy, Sonja K behind Daddy, Camille, and Charlotte Claire....

on the bridge...

Evelyn and Suzanne, and the rest of them....we had the seven youngest with us today.

I thought this was too cute. Camille was so tired out when we got home, she went straight to bed.

We stopped at Grampa's (Paul's dad) house today, too. Gramma is still in Florida. She likes to stay a bit longer....here is Suzanne, Evelyn, Jon, Kathryn holding Camille, Sonja K., and Charlotte Claire in front...

They have had a glorious week of sunny warm weather for their spring break. They look like it is summer with their sunkissed cheeks.







Sonja K. playing dollhouse. I did get down on the floor and help set up. I love dollhouse stuff.

Mirielle enjoying "Jane Austen"....(do not tell her this picture is up here!!!) She is an official nerd.

Charlotte Claire with her dollhouse stuff.

Uh-oh, Camille-Kong!!!

I cannot believe how fast this day has gone by. How can it be time to rummage for dinner already? No, I do not know what we are having. I have this 23 pound turkey in the fridge, thawed and ready to cook. But I did not stay home and cook it today, so that is out.

The little girls are taking naps now, the bigger ones are doing all kinds of things, like reading a book (Evelyn), jumping on the trampoline, doing their laundry (there is a youth conference at our church this weekend and Abigail, Mirielle, Joseph, Aaron, Mali, Samuel, and Margaret will be going over for the weekend) Mali is coming home from Canada today, but I don't know if I will see her until Sunday. Paul and Jospeh are listening to/watching DreamTheatre on the computer.

I do miss the dog. It will probably take a while to get used to the idea that he's gone. Like the sandwhich in the yard....it really surprised me to see it. There has not been a sandwich in the yard for over 14 years. And the bedding that I hung out to dry on the deck....a sheet fell to the deck, and I went to grab it before Champ made it into a comfy nap place. The kids are already talking puppy, and I am not ready for that. I clearly remember how much work that is. They have MOMMED me, and promised how they WOULD take care of it.....do they think I will possibly fall for that again? No, not yet.....

sad sad day.....

Charlotte Claire and Camille didn't understand why they were saying goodbye to Champ. In fact, the sad thing is that Camille just learned to say "Champ" today....

He is/was such a pretty dog....Margaret says goodbye...

Charlotte Claire gives him some hugs.

oops.

Margaret gets a nice nudge.

And the picture of Camille, holding Kathryn's babydoll. The doll is dressed in a real blanket sleeper, and I keep thinking it is a real baby sitting there. My day: I woke up this morning to Camille singing Mom-Mom-Mom.....I got her changed and cuddled and Charlotte Claire woke up. She was covered in....um...how to say this nicely - she was sick to her stomach in the night, and her hair was.....nevermind, but she needed a lengthy shower....and her bed had to be cleaned up....then, breakfast (yuck!)...and getting ready to bring Champ in. Just Joseph and I went with him. Champ, of course, had no idea. We had to heave him into the van, but once he got in there, he was pretty thrilled....we haven't cleaned the van again since our trip, so there were plenty of crumbs for a dog to find. At the vet, he got very agitated. He always gets nervous there, it must be the smells of all the dogs, plus he probably remembers the shots. And, there was a beautiful grey tabby cat in a cage in the waiting room. Apparently the cat was run over, and the UPS man rescued him, brought him to the animal hospital, and they were looking for someone to adopt him....I was tempted, but one thought of Paul's reaction if I brought another cat home was enough to end that temptation. Anyway, Champ was nervous. We brought him in and half/lifted him up on the table. The Joseph petted his head while I hugged him/held him down. The vet had to shave a spot to put the needle in, the clippers scared the daylights out of him. Joseph pet him and talked to him while I held him down with all my might. As soon as the needle went in, he started to relax, and in just a minute he was at peace. I knew it would be sad, but I didn't realize HOW sad. The vet took out her stethoscope, and said he was gone, which was obvious. She then gave me a big hug. What a lady. What a rotten part of a wonderful job. They were so very kind, but all I wanted was to get out of there.....

So, of course I cannot take a trip to the city, even for that, without a stop at the store. I went to Aldi, and Joseph stayed in the van. Champ was his dog, he got him when he was almost 4, and he called him Simba at first, and carried him up and down the deck steps, and went swinging with him on his lap. So, into the store I went. I felt like everyone knew I was grieving for my dog. The cashier asked how I was doing today. Fine, I lied. I was NOT going to bawl in Aldi.

So, home with the groceries, and on with life.

farewell champy

Looking at these pictures I can't help but think of a song from when I was little, "Seasons in the Sun".....here are Evelyn, Suzanne, Jon, Kathryn, and Charlotte Claire...

This picture is for you, Emily Anne....does it make you homesick? Our grass got so nice and green so suddenly...

The buds on the trees turned into frothy green baby leaves when I wasn't looking.

And of course the picture of Camille: she is still my baby....so huggy.

And here is a Champ picture.....we are taking him to the vet tomorrow for his final nap.

He has been the best dog all these years. He is 14....he has so much trouble getting up and down. He comes in at night, and often has accidents. He cannot hear anymore, and he is used to his freedom. He goes into the road....it is just not safe, for him or the drivers going by. I am trying to convince myself of all these things. Like I said, that song is going through my head....if you were around in the 70's......"goodbye my friend, it's hard to die...when all the birds are singing in the sky....now that the spring is in the air....we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...."

Emily and Mali, I will give Champ the big stupid stinky nice faithful dog a big hug and some nice pats on the head from both of you.....we are bringing him in tomorrow to be put to "sleep", of course I brushed him and trimmed him up a bit so he could look his best. I am going to stay with him while he goes, to soothe him, he gets so agitated at the vets. One of the options is to bring him home for burial, and Aaron shouted out quickly that he was NOT digging a hole. I then said he would end up laying there on the deck for months, and we laughed like idiots, probably so we wouldn't cry. But I am not bringing him home for burial.

dozen donuts....

A dozen, obviously, is twelve. I brought home twelve donuts. We cut them in half. Then last night the bigger kids came in and had some....so I thought they would be gone. I was pleasantly surprised this morning when I peeked in the boxes and there were 3 and one quarter donuts left! And seeing that I am the only one up.....and I am probably the only one who likes coconut....I took the three-quarters....that leaves 2 1/2 left.....which will give the five youngest a half. My point: they are not growing up deprived, but learning to think of others. Of course, now I feel bad, I shouldn't have had any, much less 3/4....but sitting here all alone with my coffee....I hope they hurry up and get up so I don't find myself out there trimming the other ones up....

Fairness: it does not exist in life, nor does it exist in our house. It is much better to encourage them to be happy when one of the other ones gets something. And to share. Sometimes she gets something good, sometimes you do. Isn't that nice? It was a little hard for Sonja yesterday: I had 3 pair of sandals in my room that I had bought in the fall for 90% off....they fit Kathryn, Evelyn, and Suzanne. She pouted a little about that.

If life were fair, it would not be fair that I have to clean up after them so much. I mean, who gets toothpaste all over the counter? Who leaves their socks on the bathroom floor? Towels? Where did they come from, and who can possibly use so many? And the drips across the kitchen floor? And who slops stuff on the counter? Who slobs up my house? If life were fair, I wouldn't have to be the bad guy and make them pitch in and clean it up. Anyway, it makes a wonderful kid-who-is-complaining-shutter-upper: "Life isn't fair!!"

Today, I think I will go buy a few rakes....rakes seem to disapear into the place where hammers, scissors, and tape go. Or they get broken. Anyway, we need to do some yardwork. And what better time than when the kids are all here on vacation?

Camille is up now....Mirielle left for class, and Joseph woke up and ate some candy. It is never boring around here.....

sunny vacation

but is it a vacation? I went to the dr. today, it was uneventful....my blood pressure was nice and low....but the sonogram didn't show much....the heartbeat wasn't visible yet, hopefully next week....I am a bit nervous, but what can I do? Just leave it in God's hands. I have prayed about it, and I have asked God not to let me go through any more miscarriages, but I do not know what is for my best....I just know what I want. He knows what is for my best.

Mirielle is such a good big sister. Today she took Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, and Jonathan to the new Hannah Montana movie. That left Aaron, my sixteen year old son, home to babysit for Charlotte Claire and Camille. He put them into naps, and when Charlotte woke he was going to take her for a walk....then he remembered that he couldn't, Camille was in bed. So he got Camille up, put her in the stroller, and took them both. He apparently didn't want to disapoint Charlotte Claire. What a good boy.

I went to the grocery store after the dr, and got some burger, some rolls, and some other necessities like cheese, tortillas, hotdogs (it IS vacation), milk, bread, carrots, apples, cereal, ect. Paul cooked the burgers on the grill, and we had carrots and celery, and some cooked mixed veges for Camille.

I also picked out a dozen of beautiful donuts and we had them for dessert. The kids helped clean up, and helped me put away a load of clothes, so we got back up to the table, and they each could pick a half....Camille is a little piggy-pie. Charlotte Claire ate the frosting, then grabbed another one.....

So, here is a list of things I love about my kids:

Emily (24): She keeps in touch even though she is far away, and she writes so wonderfully....she is thoughtful and kind...

Abigail (22): She is helpful, and she loves to laugh. She is very busy finishing up her accounting degree, and when she gets stressed she sometimes gets silly, and we laugh our heads off about nothing in particular.

Benjamin (20): Benjamin is friendly and optimistic. He is great with the kids when he is around....which isn't often enough for me.

Mirielle (19): She is also very helpful when she isn't busy with college, or gone to youth activities...she is very easy to talk to, and she gets a kick out of the little ones.....

Joseph (17): He is the most sensitive of the kids, he seems to know how I feel. He keeps to himself, with his drawing and guitar playing, misses way too much school, but he is a gentle soul, and when he is with the rest of the family, he is very funny and enjoyable.

Aaron (16): He spends alot of time on the computer. He is social, yet he likes to stay home. He is very funny, doesn't argue back, can be very helpful when he wants to. He is extremely responsible. And smart.

Mali (15): She is a lovely girl. She likes to spend time alone, reading, drawing, daydreaming. But she also likes to be around everyone, she has a wicked sense of humor, and she can be my best helper.

Samuel (13): Sam is an interesting boy. He can be argumentative, but he knows it, and he is very often apologetic. He likes World War II, to say the least. He is very sincere, sensitive, and thankful. He appreciates things.

Margaret (12): She likes to pal around with the little guys, she plays the keyboard, and she loves to sing. She isn't overly enthusiastic to do chores, but she will when pressed. She is a great shopping companion, and she is very very mature for her age.

Kathryn (11): She is my number one helper these days. She is still in the little-girl phase, eager to help, happy to go along with me to appointments, and shopping. She is a peacemaker, and very capable. She is also very mature.

Evelyn (9): She is a joy. With her sunny personality, reddish blonde hair and freckles, she is so bubbling over with engergy. She can also be THE DRAMA QUEEN among drama queens. But she is sweet and thoughtful and she can TALK....

Suzanne (8): Miss Suze, also known as Carl, for what reason I do not know, is just lovely. She likes to share, and help with the little ones, and help me, and she like to plan fun things. She will go get a piece of paper and a pencil, and write things down. She is always writing me notes.

Sonja (6): Sonja is still a little bit bratty....she fusses about her vegetables, and sometimes even hides when it is dinner time and she doesn't like the food, which is pretty often. We call her D.W. the Picky Eater, after an Arthur book by the same name.....but she is also bright and smart and spunky with her nice curly red hair....she loves to take over with Camille and Charlotte Claire, and she is just thrilled when they let her. She can be the best dishwasher helper, and she loves to come into the laundry room with me, so she can help me and talk and talk....

Jonathan (4): Mr. Jon is smart. He got to go to the H.Montana movie because: he knew that Miley's friend was named Lily, and that her REAL name is Emily Osment. He remembers what ever he is told, and he can carry on a conversation like a mini-adult. He is always sorry if he is bad, which he hardly ever is.....he occasionally fusses about things, but mostly he gets upset only if he is misunderstood....he has a soft heart, and he is good to the other kids. I cannot stand the thought of sending him off to kindergarten, though I know he will thrive there.

Charlotte Claire (2): She will be turning 3 in May. She suddenly knows all of her colors, and she can carry on a conversation using correct grammer.....she does get her consonants mixed up...ex: she says p - p - p-coop! She says Camille is a coopy-cants. I say, "coopy-cants?" and she says, "NO! puh, puh, puh, coopy-cants!" I guess she means poopy pants.

Camille (17 mos.): This little dolly is learning some limits....but she is still a rascal. I brought the groceries in today, and I swear I needed 4 arms and eyes in the back of my head. She kept grabbing a yogurt and running. I would get it back, distract her, and try to get things put away in the 'fridge....I finally opened the yogurt, and sat down and fed it to her. She has been much better at staying out of the baskets of candy than I thought she would be. She rambles on, and I can pick out words. When I came home today, she ran to me yelling, "MOM! MOM!".....it was yummy....

and in all this I cannot forget to say that I am thankful for my husband. He is Mr. Busy. Busy with church stuff, busy with financial stuff, busy playing music, unclogging toilets, giving kids rides places, reading bedtime stories, tucking kids in, and every night he cooks his own breakfast for the next day. He is independent and responsible, and soft-hearted. He never complains, because he believes with all his heart that God works all things for the good for those who love Him....

goodnight.