disconnected....

Paul feels disconnected. He is so far away and so busy and on such a different schedule. He texts me during his breakfast, while I am thinking about going to bed. It is getting to be too long, 9 nights down and 7 to go. The novelty of being the boss around here is wearing off, and I miss him. Trouble is, I don't think he misses me as much as I miss him, and that makes me feel so sorry for myself. I mean, he is meeting new people and seeing new things and here I am, sitting in the same old chair. poor me! And....

Yesterday was a sad day.....we buried our brother, Cheryl and Bob and Tom and Joey and Casey, and I. Talking about the old days, re-telling those growing up stories WAS good for the soul, but it still was extremely sad. His ashes were in a bag, in a cardboard box, in a plastic box...to which an official certificate was taped, still intact in the envelope. We opened it and passed it around..., just my sister and brothers and I. It listed his age, 47, name, William J., and cause of death, Suicide. I do not know why that was on there, but it certainly hit hard. I mean, we already know what happened, but to see it so coldly in black and white, ouch. Because this is Billy we are talking about, the guy who always had Caramel Creams and Starburst for the kids, who gave them money and teased them so much and always knew what was going on with all of them, Billy who made us coffee and cooked amazing things. Billy, who loved the Adirondacks and the beach and could fix anything. Billy who treated our sometimes grumpy sick father so tenderly, yet he would look at us and give us that smirk. His humor was dark and sharp and he had everyone pegged, no one was immune to his assessment. Yet he was kind and caring....oh my goodness, there we were up at the cemetary, and what could we say? We didn't want to be too sappy and stand around and cry our eyes out....so we talked about old times, we buried him and planted a nice plant.....(Casey got it for $2.48 on clearance...but it IS pretty).....and we said our goodbyes......

After a cookout at my brother's place, home to get the kids to bed and catch up with Mirielle, my 20 year old daughter whom I picked up at the bus station yesterday from a summer in Toronto. Life goes on....and Paul is missing it all....