I know I was tired.....and I did the best I could do at the time, but if I could do it all over again, I: wouldn't harp on the kids so much. I would've listened more to their stories about their day when we had afternoon snack, and said less about eating neat over the table and not spilling their drinks....One of the boys "skipped" school, said he didn't feel well....I didn't believe him.....but not feeling well is relative, I guess....anyway, I felt bad because he had to sort of act sick all day, to prove to me he wasn't just skipping.....he turned down the cookies I had made, then when I walked back in the room, he was scarfing one down.....I wish I hadn't made a comment about it.....my older son missed the first trip bus.....and I mentioned it at the dinner table....not good, the dinner table should be a nice time, not tattle to daddy time.....not that he got in trouble, but the look he gave me.....sorry! You don't have to look very far around here to find things that people have carelessly/thoughtlessly/accidentally left lying around.....a towel draped here (hot tub), a hair pony on the floor, a cup with a few inches of water on the counter, some books on the table, a pair of socks on the floor, a sweatshirt....so: do I find out who left each thing, and make them take care of it? Do I do it myself while complaining about it? Do I ignore it, and let it turn into a slobhouse? (that is the lamest threat! I cannot ignore stuff and leave it there, but I tell the kids that I am going to just let it turn into a slobhouse, I am so lame)....bottom line: I hate nagging, and I hate being a nagger. Sometimes I just plain hate being the mother. I just want to be one of the kids.....
Anyway, Camille was up alot again last night, so I finally took her into bed with me. There should be a law against: having to get up to get the kids up for school when you are snuggled under the covers on a chilly dark morning with a baby that has a fever, and is doing that dreaming-about-nummy-num-nursies-thing in their sleep.....but when I was awake alot last night, I thought alot about my behavior, my intolerence. There has to be separation between two things: my irritation, and correcting/disciplining the kids. They need guidance and direction, and consequences for things like talking back, and not listening. But I need to really judge myself at the same time. I have such a deep longing in my heart to be temperate, to be slow to speak, slow to anger, more longsuffering. These things don't just come by magic. I know I have to have days like yesterday to really see myself. Jesus said "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy...".....I see that I need mercy from God. And when I see that in myself, I can have more for my children. I am thankful for the trials, thankful that i can see the true state of myself.....thankful that I can wake up and work on these things in myself.....instead of blaming the kids and nagging and yelling and getting bitter and witchy with a capital "B".......
Well, the trials are awake.....Charlotte Claire and Jon are up, so I have to go and put into practice all the good stuff I thought about last night....
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4 comments:
I feel like this all the time! Thank the good Lord he gives me a fresh new chance every day...
UGH! I feel the same lately as well... just completely exhausted....
Tomorrow is another day :)
You're doing a great job! Don't worry about the little things you made issues about - the kids have to learn you're human & get tired as well! Hope you get a better night's sleep.
I struggle with the discipline thing, too, because I want my kids to enjoy their childhood, but I also need them to pick up their coats, and backpacks, and shoes, and to learn responsibility. It's hard to find a balance.
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