sorry, no heartbeat....

So so sad. I really thought I was going to see a wiggly little baby on that screen. But it is not to be. The baby is not developing, has stopped growing, is just not to be. The dr. said I am getting to be a pro at this and this is not a good thing to be getting to be a pro at: these sad sonograms. Oh, this one was not nearly as bad as when Robert William died, at 6 months....that was shocking. This was shocking too, but on a smaller scale. I felt that this pregnancy was just too good to be true. I was almost too happy about it. When the dr. said we should wait about a month before trying again, I just smiled. I didn't try anything, this baby was a gift. Straight out of the blue, I was going to have another baby. Now the gift was taken away, and I feel sort of empty.....and I have a horrible headache, probably hormone related. I cannot complain, however. I have my little Camille, and sweet little Charlotte Claire.....and Jonathan...they have so much affection for me. And the older kids are so precious. Samuel made icecream cones for the kids after dinner. When he was finished, I asked him to put some in the scoop for me, and Joseph, who had come to sit next to me, said, "Make Mom a cone.."....I started to protest, and Joe said, "Why not, Mom? It will make you feel better. Sam, make Mom a cone." Being a 17 year old boy, he couldn't really hug me and tell me he felt bad, but that was his way of telling me he understood I was suffering.

Yeah, after I found out about the baby, I had to go to the waiting room and tell Mali. What fun. And of course we still stopped at the store on the way home. We bought the 4 pound bag of caramel creams. Which did make us feel a little better. ha. I got some bagels and cheese and pepperoni and bacon, so the kids could make their own bagel pizzas (thank you Kim for the idea).....

Mali and I were very hungry before we went to the store. Very hungry. I had only one dollar and some change, but that made over two dollars, that meant we could get two things from the dollar menu. We decided to go to the KFC drivethrough and get 2 Buffalo chicken snackers for 99cents each. The total came to $2.79....I questioned it, said I thought they were 99cents each. The girl said, No, only the original and the barbecue. I told her it said Buffalo on the sign too....and she put her little hands on her little hips and said she would go out and check the sign herself, because those were NOT included.......and I will not tell you what I said as I put the car in drive and drove away without buying anything. Because it was not nice. I'll give you a hint: I told her where to go, a place that I seriously wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but at that moment, she obviously was my worse enemy. She didn't even hear me, she was going to check out the sign. But I think I gave Mali a shock. Seriously though, I was about to tell her, : Do you know what I am going through here???? First my brother, then my dog, now my baby???

Yes, I have lots of things to cry about tonight. And I do think I will. But in all this I still am thankful for so many things....I appreciate the kids I have been blessed with.....but oh, I am still so sad. So sad. I wanted this baby.