thank you everyone

I have said this before, but I started blogging because I like to write. I did not realize how many friends I would make. It really helps to read all the kind comments, and thank you so very much for taking the time to comfort me.



Last night I slept that awful bad- dream sleep that gives no rest from sadness. And when I woke up this morning, I remembered....no baby. Rats. Wah. So, I was rather grumpy. Actually kind of mean. And demanding. Thinking things like, "They don't know what I'm going through....(the older kids).....But it didn't sit well with me to be like that.....I started to feel bad, and I wanted to go get Abigail and Mali from their schools and apologize.....(I do realize that I am probably having a major dumping of those feel-good pregnancy hormones, hence the pounding headache)....but during all this I am conscious of the responsibility I have for the little ones here....and how I just know that although I can be sad, I CANNOT give into despair. I can cry, but I can not let my spirit be broken. Too much rides on me being of sound mind here.....



So, this afternoon, I actually went to Target and PriceChopper. Sound crazy? Well, I was so restless, and honestly, I haven't actually started to bleed yet....so I took a chance that it wouldn't start when I was gone, I convinced Mirielle that the kids would be good, so off we went. Mirielle and I, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille....

I found the little girls a few nice cheap shirts (the skirts and skorts pass down well, but the shirts need frequent replacing) in Target....we left the store with Charlotte Claire screaming and crying and yelling, "I want my skirt!"....I was going to buy her this cute little skirt, she put it down somewhere, we couldn't find it, and there was not another one in her size on the clearance rack....so, she couldn't have it.....by the time we got to the van, I had her convinced that if she wanted to go in the next store she HAD to stop crying. And she did, phew, because I didn't know what I was going to do if she didn't.

She did much better in the grocery store...we bought all of our chicken and bananas and bread (buy one get two free!), sirloin steaks for $1.99 a pound, cheese, eggs, milk, and a Clifford's Puppy Days video for $1.99.

We then had to go to the bank, to Aldi for fruits and veges (and chocolate, they have good cheap chocolate)....well, it was there that Charlotte Claire's balloon flew out of the van and went up to heaven. Off and on all the way home, she cried and begged me to please take her to heaven to get her balloon. (I told her she was making me nervous).....

It was somewhere in the middle of all this that I really realized how blessed I am. I have been blessed with: hope, optimism. I saw how so many things made me happy today, in the midst of being sad. And the happiness I felt when Jonathan and Sonja shared their popcorn so willingly....and when they all said "thank-you" so whole-heartedly and without prompting when they got their balloons....it didn't overshadow the sadness, but it did shine through it. And that is hopeful. I feel like a gift has been taken from me, and I am almost furious about it.....and it IS okay to be sad. It is like the background music, the undercurrent. I feel like I can swim with it, but I have to be careful not to drown in it....

Oh, that sounds like such nonsense....ah, well,that is how it is with me today. I am feeling dramatic. blah, blah, blah....

Anyway, I am very thankful for all the kind comments. (I feel like I am going through nothing compared to poor baby Stellan, on mycharmingkids......he had the heart ablation, and things were not fixed....he is staying in Boston for a while....his poor mom....she is apart from the other kids and her husband....and he is such a sweet and beautiful little baby boy, 5 months old)....