May 22nd. The last time she had a birthday was four years ago, when she turned 69. It makes me mad sometimes, that she only got to live for 69 years, she enjoyed life more than anyone I have ever met. Waiting in line, sitting at home, she did not get bored. I am crying alot lately, even though it has been so long since she died...because it is springtime, and Lilac time, and she loved Lilacs. I have a Lilac bush in the front yard, and every day I stop and bury my face in it, and remember her. I keep bringing in fresh sprigs for the vase next to my kitchen sink.
How can one stop missing someone? I talked to her every single day after the kids got on the bus for all those years. I called her when I got home from the store, because she cared what I got for 75% off. She cared about the old lady who was giving out lemonade samples, and the cashier who remembered Casey. I called her sometimes when I was making dinner, she knew if a dented can was dangerous or how long to soak the beans. I called her when Paul was at a meeting in the evening, or if one of the kids bumped their head or fell off their bike. Whenever Paul was away at a conference or had to work on a Saturday, I was at her house with all the kids. She was the best garage sale companion ever! Once she bought the whole remains of a garage sale that the guy just wanted to get rid of. She had all this stuff at her house, happy as can be to give it all to us....now, I wanted to be getting RID of stuff, not getting more, but I let the kids take messy-haired dolls and old board games with scrunchy boxes and some of those much-loved stuffed animals that every mother wants more and more of....I just remember how happy she was that she had all that stuff to give the kids.
I thought it would get easier with time. But it hasn't. I wear her wedding band on my right hand, (and it really messes me up because for years I knew LEFT was the hand I had my ring on...now...oh my goodness, am I the only adult in the world who just blanks each and every time? I blame it on my kindergarten teacher, who used to quiz us. I was terrified to be called on, so now I have that panic-y reaction....I hold up both my hands, and they BOTH have rings. My mother would think this is very funny.)
So I still miss her so much. She hasn't met Camille, or Rosie-the-bad-dog. I wonder sometimes why some people who are so miserable and unthankful just live and live, yet my mother had to fight and struggle for so many years. She had breast cancer and a triple-bypass before she was sixty, then kidney failure from the heart surgery, dialysis for nine years. Nine years! Three times a week, feeling awful afterwards, for nine years.
If I could just dial her number and ask her if she wanted to go shopping.....
If I could just pull into her driveway and see her standing there with her purse.
If I could come out here from a nap and see her sitting in my chair with two or three kids on her lap...
Tomorrow we are going to a wedding for some friends, they are young and happy and in love. But I cannot help think how the wedding is on her birthday, and they probably have no idea. I will be there with them to celebrate their happiness, but inside I will be thinking how much my mother would like to be there, and wondering how everyone can forget that it is her birthday. How can the world still spin without her?
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9 comments:
I am so sorry. There are no words...When my dad died, I wondered the same thing, how can the world just keep on going?
I am sorry you miss your mom so much. I know, too, that you must *feel* her standing right next to you every time you smell the lilacs or when one of your children makes makes a face that looks just like her's. Don't think that she doesn't still enjoy every second of watching you and your family grow, because I am sure she does!
I have no idea if this will help, but we also celebrate a person's Heavenly birthday: the day that he/she was born into eternal life. Maybe choosing that day to really focus on your mom and feel her presence and her joy at being in Our Lord's perfect presence would help to ease the pain of your missing her physical presence.
Blessings to you and your mom.
Audrey is wondering why I'm rubbing my eyes.. we (our guests)were just talking last night about her, and her death, how she was so ready to be with Jesus. Yes, it's hard, we miss her, wish she was still here, but can you imagine what it would be like if we didn't have such good memories??? What if we were only able to see her once or twice a year? Now that would be hard. I know people have to deal with their circumstances in the best way possible for them, but to me, that would be way too sad. Shall I bake a cake for tomorrow?
I still miss my mom, too, after 15 years! I sometimes think I should pick up the phone and call her, then realize I can't. I'm so sorry you lost her.
Just to make you feel better, I am 53 and still don't know my right from my left, and yes, I do it the same way as you. But now that I have been a widow for a long time, I wear my childrens' birthstone ring on my ring finger to let me know it is LEFT. The other day, someone gave me directions, and I held up both hands in front of me and looked at my fingers, and he said, "You aren't looking at your hands so you know which way is left, are you?" Sadly, yes I was. I've gotten over it, can't everyone else?????
I keep thinking about my dad too and how the world just isn't the same without him here. There are questions I want to ask him, songs I want him to sing, and things I know he would help me with if only he was still here to do them...
I am blessed by your love and admiration for your mom. She must have been awesome. (I think Cheryl should bake a cake.)
Your post brought me to tears because I can so relate. It was my Mom's birthday on May 16th and she passed away age 52 not even two years ago. I wonder how the world can go on without her also. Do what I do, and try to be strong and just focus on the beautiful lives you have with you. I'm sure she would be so proud.
I will be thinking of you today. It is my Olivia's birthday today, she turns 12. So she shares this special day with your mother.
Have a good day, as much as is possible!
((((GBH))))
I know its hard
Cassandra xx
I miss my mom the exact same way. I feel so sad she never met my wonderful husband, my darling niece, or her son-in-law. Sometimes when I'm filling out medical forms I have a thought of "I can't remember if I had that childhood illness, better call mom...crap" I think about recipes that I should have asked her about. I'm going through infertility and I just know my mom would have been the most supportive person, oh how she longed for grandchildren. I know she is here with me, I feel her often. Something neat - my sister and her husband both have dark brown eyes, my niece has blue/gray eyes..exactly like her grandma. I love that my mom is present in her grandchild.
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