empty arms....

Is there such thing as empty arms syndrome? For someone who has 16 kids? Well, I think there is. Last night, I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 1:00am, and my brain just had things to sort out. I think I have been telling myself so much that I need to come to terms with losing the baby, that I haven't taken enough time just to cry about it. So last night, I cried. And I can't cry about the baby without crying about Billy, and my mom, and my dad....and then I started thinking about the puppy thing....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I want a puppy to love and cuddle and distract me....my Camille, at 18 months, is slipping out of my arms, and taking off.....yeah, I need to move on. But I still want a puppy. To love and cuddle and distract me.

Physically, I do realize that hormones are tumbling, so I need to deal with that too. I almost shouldn't be looking for a dog right now...I a mean what a thing to be sad about...that this dog or that dog is already taken...

Anyway, I am not totally sad. Part of me is very sad, the part that cried last night. But I am still so happy....happy to be alive, happy to be a mom to these kids, happy that I love Paul and he loves me. Does this make sense? I have always had this optimistic spirit, and I am totally thankful for it. It is definetly a gift from God.

Well, it is sort of making me feel sick to write so much about me, me, me. Even though this is my blog.

Charlotte Claire has adjusted to not having a bottle quite well. She likes to wear underwear, but only because she likes to wear underwear. She seems pretty leaky, to me. She pees like 5 times a day in the undies. Pee is not so hard to clean up, and I can't seem to convince her to go back to diapers. She insists on the undies. She goes in and sits on the toilet all the time, and I don't know if she ever pees in it. It seems like it all goes in the undies. One of these days? She so far seems to poop in the morning diaper or the nap diaper.....hmm. I am such an expert, I astound even myself.

Camille doesn't seem to miss nursing at all. She wakes in the night only occasionally, and a cuddle is enough for her....then I put her back in her little green bed, and she puts that precious thumb in her mouth. In my humble opinion, thumbsucking is worth like a million dollars. Until they are 5 years old like Jon, and still have it in for half the day. And you KNOW he'll get teased on the bus.....then I would pay like a million dollars...

I feel like we shortchanged Sonja on her birthday yesterday. I was a bad mommy. I stayed in bed until noon, because I was up for half the night with the miscarriage, then I remembered that it was her birthday! I grabbed three nice things from the present closet, in their Target bags, and hid them under a blanket on the couch. Later, Sonja came in from outside, and I told her there was a surprise under the blanket. She WAS pretty thrilled, and didn't seem to mind the lack of wrapping paper. Then Mirielle made her a cake, and also some cupcakes to take to school today. With: cake mix and canned frosting. Now, Sonja probably doesn't know this, but to me that is a ripoff. Not on Mirielle's part, I told her it was fine. I usually make my homemade frosting, and put it in the decorating bag, and make bakery-like cupcakes...oh well, she doesn't know. Just another thing for me to feel guilty about.

We are going to have a birthday party for Jon and Sonja and their friends probably Saturday....