remembering billy....

Cheryl and Kim, maybe you shouldn't read this, unless you are in the mood to cry. In one week, one week from today, it will be the one year anniversary of my brother's death. I am still reeling. I cannot believe it yet that he is gone, and I am still sad. The other day while waiting in the van for Benjamin, I turned on the radio for a minute to keep the little girls happy, and the Billy Joel song, "Only The Good Die Young" was on, and at the same time I saw a guy walking with that funny gait that Billy had, a guy with dark hair and a plaid jacket...my heart jumped with recognition before my brain reminded me that Billy is gone. It has happened to me many times in this past year, that I suddenly remember that he has died, and every single time it hurts. It is like a punch in the stomach. I have been teary eyed alot this past week, thinking of him. Then this morning the girls were helping me clean up and they turned on some Queen, and "Bohemian Rapsody" came on....that song always makes me cry anyway, but this morning I thought of Billy, and.....then my brother Bob stopped in. He had some papers with him, and the statement from the coroner. He showed it to me. "Contact gunshot wound to the neck and head". That phrase is imprinted on my brain and will no doubt haunt me. I have not grieved properly for William yet, I have just gone on with life and I feel like I need to just get away and cry for a week. Why would he do this? How could he? I would have helped him, talked to him. (he did have a high level of carbon monoxide in his blood, which could have caused confusion)(he heated his place with a wood stove)oh, anyway, I am just so sad. So I am going to write some good things here about my brother, just to help me cope.

1. Billy was a giver. I remember when he started college, I am 3 and a half years younger than him, and when he got his loan money for books, he threw me a twenty. (I promptly went to the mall and bought the clogs I had been coveting and thought I would never get)

2. He gave up an extremely lucrative job offer from the Post Office to stay home and take care of my parents.

3. His sense of humor was so sarcastic, one wasn't sure if they should laugh or cry at his comments. They were always right on target. I still don't know how he could peg people so accurately.

4. He loved the kids. If he knew my kids were coming over, he had caramel creams and Starburst for them.

5. He saved up change and gave it to the kids.

6. He took it in stride the way my father was. When my dad was unreasonable, Billy would just raise his eyebrows at me and do what my dad wanted.

7. He always slept on the floor because he didn't like beds. He said they hurt his back. Now my Mali does that too.

8. He was supremely good looking. He looked like Charles Bronson and Burt Reynolds (but better).

9. He wrestled in high school.

10. He never married and never had kids, but he did have a few serious girlfriends.

11. He proposed to a lovely girl one time but someone who didn't like him advised her father that he wasn't a good guy, so she listened to her father. It broke his heart. And yes, I have forgiven the person who interfered. I think.

12. He got converted when he was in his early twenties, and spent several good years in our church, serving and having fellowship. After he left, he still loved our friends and kept up with what they were all doing. I think he always regretted leaving. When he died, he left a stack of pictures of his friends from his time in the church. With his bible.

13. I suspect that he thought he had cancer or something because of how lousy he must have felt with the carbon mon. buildup in his blood, plus his extremely severe pectus excatatum, (sunken sternum). He had been complaining of not feeling well, and I suspect he didn't want to be a burden.

14. When he was younger, he hated answering the phone.

15. He was a voracious reader. He probably read every book I ever read (except for the romances)

16. He was so easy to talk to.

17. I have fond memories of playing with him when I was little, then we hung out together as teenagers....

18. My kids remember fondly the times he babysat them. They still call him, "Mister Master Babysitter".

19. He had bad knees, even when he was younger.

20. He grew a beard sometimes and when he shaved it off he was shockingly young and handsome again.

And now it is busy in here. Mirielle is cleaning out the hall closet and Charlotte Claire and Camille have bathing suits on. They are making comfy beds with on the living room floor with the bedding and sheets that Mirielle is sorting and folding. My break is over....I can no longer concentrate. It is a wonder I ever can, but sometimes I can just phase things out....